What A Bunny Misunderstanding

, , , , , | Healthy | April 23, 2021

This happened when I was in high school in the 1970s. We had just finished our production of “Harvey” and had gone to the local twenty-four-hour chain restaurant. We were all still in costume and, as I played the sanitarium assistant, I was wearing what appeared to be medical-type clothing. As I walked into the restaurant, a little behind my fellow cast members, a guy came up to me.

Guy: “Is everyone in the accident all right?”

I had no clue why he asked me that, so I just looked at him and said:

Me: “I don’t know.”

And I went to join everybody.

As I sat down, I noticed that there were cops and an ambulance a few blocks down the street. That’s when it hit me: he thought I was a real ambulance attendant! 

I can only imagine what he thought, a first responder going into a restaurant when there were injured people to deal with. My other thought was, “I’m sixteen; do I look like an adult to you?”

My fellow cast members thought it was funny.

1 Thumbs
253

Honesty Is Emergency Route To Success

, , , , , | Working | January 14, 2021

I am job hunting. A local temp agency has a job listed, so I apply. They call me that afternoon, and I can smell the desperation through the phone. Apparently, I am the only Excel expert who has replied at all.

I interview the next day. Let the parade of facepalms begin!

The large company needs to update their emergency escape maps so that, in the event of a fire, employees and visitors know where to run and where to gather. Doesn’t sound much like an Excel job yet.

They have hand-drawn maps of some sites, architectural drawings from some sites, and pictures from a helicopter of one. And they had one electronic file! Some gifted employee had drawn a map in Paint, put it in an Excel file (for reasons never explained), and sent it in.

The project manager, a brilliant but non-technical guy, looked at all this and decided that Excel must be the tool to use. And they needed an expert, because, well, experts make them look better.

I have a policy to never visibly facepalm during a job interview. I follow my policy but the temptation is so strong.

Me: “Excel, while an awesome tool, is absolutely the wrong tool for the job. You’re trying to drive nails with a CNC lathe. I recommend that you find somebody who is good with MS Visio.”

We shake hands and I leave.

The temp agency calls while I am driving home.

Temp Agency Rep: “Can you please spell ‘Visio’ for us?”

I do. They call me back again later that afternoon. 

Temp Agency Rep: “Do you know how to use Visio?”

Me: “I do; it is really pretty simple.”

Temp Agency Rep: “The boss you interviewed with was impressed enough with your honestly suggesting he hire someone else that he wants to hire you.”

So, I spent six months tracing Google Earth images of worksites and figuring out which escape routes fit our state’s fairly vague rules for emergency escape maps. Easy work, nice people.

The job could have been done in a fraction of that time by a decent graphic designer, but they wanted me, I wanted the paycheck, and the work got done.


This story is part of our Best Of January 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of January 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of January 2021 roundup!

1 Thumbs
851

She Didn’t Make It To Television, But Not Always Right Is Even Better!

, , , , , , | Right | December 1, 2020

I am driving while listening to a local radio station. This is shortly after a Florida pastor made the news when he announced plans to burn copies of the Quran. The DJs are interviewing an elderly woman who is threatening to do the same unless her demands are met.

Caller: “I have it all ready. I bought two copies from the Internet and I will set fire to them on my grill unless I get what I want.”

DJ: “Well, [Caller], what exactly is it that you want?”

Caller: “Let me tell you a story. When I was a young girl, I attended the 1939 World’s Fair and I saw a television broadcast of a woman dancing, and I thought ‘someday that’s going to be me’.”

DJ: “So, you want to be on television?”

Caller: “That’s right. I want to be put on television, and I want to be interviewed by Larry King before he retires.”

DJ: “And if that doesn’t happen, you’re going to burn two copies of the Quran?”

Caller: “That’s right.”

DJ: *Audibly flabbergasted* “[Caller], I gotta say, that is the most detestable thing I have ever heard.”

Caller: *Crying* “I am not a young woman anymore! I’m afraid if I don’t do something now, I won’t have time to do it later!”

DJ: *Sighs* “Okay, how about this? [Co-Host] does a telethon every year to raise funds for the animal shelter. How would you like to be a part of that?”

Caller: *Sounding disgusted* “Oh, what, am I going to have to hold some one-eyed puppy, too?!”

DJ: “Okay, we’re done here.” *Hangs up*

1 Thumbs
400

And Then He Vowed To Never Help Anyone Again

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 2, 2020

I’m in my socially-awkward early twenties and I’m visiting a small local theater to see a movie. Before the movie starts, I go to use the restroom. As I’m washing my hands, a young boy around seven comes up to the sink next to me and starts hopping while grabbing at the sink handle. Thinking he can’t reach, I turn it on for him

Kid: “No, not that. I’m trying to reach those.”

He points at the liquid soap dispensers above the sink. I squirt a large amount onto the palm of my hand and lower it to him.

Me: “Here.”

Kid: “Thanks!”

He scoops soap out my hand. I wash off my hands, turn off the water for him, and leave to go see my movie. Later, as everyone is leaving the theater:

Kid: “Hey! Thanks for before!”

I turn to see the kid waving at me with one hand while holding onto a woman with the other. The kid tugs on his mom’s hand and points at me. 

Kid: “Mom, that guy was cool. He helped me use the restroom earlier.”

My eyes went wide as I realized how bad that could sound out of context. I made eye contact with the mom who was looking at me with concern. I wordlessly spun on my heel and started speed-walking to my car. I really hope that kid explained the story better.

1 Thumbs
311

If That Bothers Him, Wait Until He Hears What It Means For The Gays!

, , , , , , | Learning | September 29, 2019

(I am five or six years old and attending Sunday school. We are outside after a brief rain, being supervised by a husband and wife.)

Male Supervisor: *pointing at a rainbow in the distance* “So, kids, does anyone know what a rainbow is?”

(I excitedly raise my hand to answer, as I have just learned this from a science-themed kids show.)

Me: “A rainbow is caused by extra water in the air from the rain that makes a prism which refracts the sunlight!”

(The husband and wife make disgusted faces and share a look, before turning back to me.)

Male Supervisor: “No, a rainbow is God’s promise to never flood the earth again.”

Me: “Oh…”

(It wouldn’t have been so bad, except they decided to punish me, as well. I was made to stand in the corner for fifteen minutes for “spreading wrong thoughts.” I consider this my first push towards atheism.)


This story is part of our Rainbow roundup!

Read the next Rainbow roundup story!

Read the Rainbow roundup!

1 Thumbs
741