(I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t– Hey! It looks wet in there!”

Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

(The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid, and TASTES it.)

Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

Me: “Sir… Can I ask… How did you–”

Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

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(A lady comes in and I hurriedly wipe the table. She eats, finishes, and is about to leave.)

Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

(I go check the bus pans.)

Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

(At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

Customer: “Where did you find them?”

Coworker: “They were on your door…”

Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could have been stolen!”

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(Our customers log calls in a queue, and we call them back in order of priority. This customer has a very low priority call, but is trying to jump the queue.)

Customer: “We can’t work here. Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this really is a cosmetic issue. It shouldn’t get in the way of your work.”

Customer: “Even if we manage to send chocolate to the office? I’m sure that’ll help.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but of all the agents here, you’ve picked the one that’s allergic to chocolate.”

Customer: “D***. Well, how about a bottle of wine? Is that worth a few spots in the queue?”

Me: “I don’t drink. I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s not your lucky day.”

Customer: “Okay, you’ve driven me to it. I’m batting my eyelashes here! You really should see it. How about lunch next week?”

Me: “That’s three strikes, ma’am… I think my husband would complain if I started dating girls. Sorry, I’m gay.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “You’re not making any of this up, are you?”

Me: “We’ll have someone give you a call back when your call is next in the queue, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “This isn’t a hot fudge sundae.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t. I’m afraid we don’t make it with hot fudge here.”

Customer: “Then I’m not paying for it!”

Coworker: “I’m afraid you have to. The menu states that it’s not made with hot fudge.”

Customer: “FINE!” *throws the ice cream at my coworker*

Coworker: *covered with ice cream* “I’m suddenly glad we don’t have hot fudge.”

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(A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right upfront. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

Me: “Well, if you insist…”

(I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”

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