Me: “[Law Office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

(While interviewing a man I have just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

Man: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

Man: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

Man: “Yes, those ones.”

Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

Man: “Yes, they are.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”

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Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need that book about the whale and the guy trying to get it.”

Me: “Oh, Moby Dick? It’s right back here.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want a book about dick! Ew!”

Me: “Um… Moby Dick is about the white whale and Captain Ahab. By Herman Melville. It’s a classic.”

Customer: “Oh. Do you have any copies with a manlier title?”

Customer: “Could I have a mug of chino?”

Me: “Sorry… a what?”

Customer: “Mug of chino. I don’t think a cup of chino is enough.”

Me: “…a cappuccino?”

Customer: “No, a mug of it.”

Me: “…”

(Bear spray is basically just pepper spray that you use if you are attacked by a bear.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Outdoor Supply Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, um… I bought some bear spray from you earlier today and now my skin is burning.”

Me: “Your skin is burning? Did the bear spray come into contact with your skin?”

Customer: “Of course! I sprayed it all over myself!”

Me: “Did you read the instructions?”

Customer: “No, I thought it was like bug spray.”

Me: “Sir, you’re not supposed to spray it on your skin. You’re supposed to spray it in the bear’s eyes. You should probably go take a shower.”

Customer: “So I can’t repel the bears by putting bear spray on my skin?”

Me: “No, sir… Are you sure bear country is the right place for you?