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What About The Slightly-Vexed Chicken?

, , , , , | Learning | July 23, 2018

(In our sophomore year of high school, we have to take Driver’s Ed classroom instruction for one of the four quarters in our P.E. class. Mostly, we watch educational films on the topic and then discuss them. Some mornings, our teacher will come in with an anecdote to share of some horrible thing he witnessed during his morning commute.)

Teacher: “All right class, today I have a very important lesson for you. This is possibly the most important one I will ever teach, so pay attention!”

(We all sit up a little straighter.)

Teacher: “If, for some reason, you are ever in a situation where another driver is confronting you outside your vehicles, DON’T. DO. The ANGRY. CHICKEN!”

Classmate: “The what?”

Teacher: “You know, the Angry Chicken.” *suddenly thrusts his chest out, palms forward, but with his hands down and behind him* “What? WHAT?! You know, like that. The Angry Chicken.”

Classmate #2: “Why not?”

Teacher: “Because it’s stupid. Not only do you look like an idiot, but you’re going to piss the other guy off, and your hands are all the way back here, where they can’t do any good. He’s going to knock you flat before you can do a thing about it.”

Classmate #3: “So, what should we do, then?”

Teacher: “Ideally, not get into a confrontation outside your car. But, if needs must, keep your hands up and in front of you, so can actually block a punch if he throws one.” *brings his hands up about a foot in front of and to either side of his face, palms toward himself* “What? WHAT?! Like that.”

(It’s been more than a decade since I took his class, but I will never forget that one lesson: don’t do the Angry Chicken!)

Don’t Drink And Parent

, , , , , , | Learning | July 19, 2018

(My sixteen-year-old daughter is taking drivers’ education at her school. The first part takes place in the classroom, followed by practical experience driving a car. Parents are allowed to attend the classroom part if they wish.)

Instructor: “Now, the law for drinking and driving for new drivers is very strict. It’s a zero-tolerance policy.”

(The mother of one of the kids raises her hand.)

Mother: “What does that mean?”

Instructor: “That means that your kids won’t be allowed to have any alcohol if they’re going to be driving within a certain timeframe.”

Mother: “I don’t get it.”

Instructor: “It’s actually very simple. If your kid will be driving within [number of hours], they can’t have any alcohol.”

Mother:None?

Instructor: “None.”

Mother: “But let’s say that my son is at a party, and he’s going to be there for an hour; it’s okay if he has just one beer, right?”

Instructor: *stares at her* “No.”

Mother:No? But it’s just one beer!”

Instructor: *starting to lose patience* “No alcohol. Period.”

Mother: “But—”

Instructor: “NO. ALCOHOL.”

Mother: “…”

(Her son looked mortified.)

A Cycle (P)ride

, , , , , | Related | May 14, 2018

(My brother and I take a two-day motorcycle course over the summer. It is a state-certified program meant to teach the practical skills needed to ride in a safe environment. My brother has always been protective, but in the strange older-brother kind of way. He says that it’s okay if I drop the bike or fall over; that people will only laugh a little. This happens when we are taking a break the second day. I am heading one way, and my brother the opposite way.)

Instructor: “Uh, [My Name]? Your brother isn’t moving.”

(I look, and sure enough he’s tripped over a small, hanging chain and is lying on his back on the ground.)

Me: “You okay?” *he nods* “You need a hand?” *he shakes his head* “You just want to lay there for a second?” *a nod* “How’s your pride?”

Brother: “Kind of hurts.”

(He managed to crack the visor on the helmet he was carrying, and scraped up his elbow. He was the only one all weekend to need any type of bandages. I stayed upright the whole time. He still hasn’t lived it down.)

Should Have Paid More Attention In Regular School

, , , | Learning | February 24, 2018

(I work at a motorcycle training school. A boy rings for training for him and his dad. We have motorcycle training for learners which is done every two years; this is cheaper on renewal than the first time you do it. The boy is asking for two slots, one for him and one for his dad.)

Me: “Okay, as a deal, we’ll do that for £200 for the both of you.”

(It turns out his is a renewal and it’s a first-time course for his dad.)

Me: “Oh, in that case, it’s £80 for you and £110 for your dad.”

Caller: “But you said £200 for both!”

Me: “Well, okay, then. As I promised, we’ll do it for £200 between you.”

Caller: “Great, thanks! See you next weekend!”

It Drives In The Family

, , , , , , , , , | Related | January 23, 2018

(I have received a speeding ticket, and as it’s not my first, I need to attend a government-run “re-training” session at a local school to teach me about the consequences of speeding. I walk into the classroom, and bump into my brother.)

Me: “What are you doing here?”

Brother: “I could ask you the same thing!”

Me: “Did you get a ticket?”

Brother: “Yeah, did you?”

Me: “Yeah, I was told I had to attend this class.”

Brother: “Oh, man. Me, too!” *his eyes go wide* “Seriously?”

(I follow his gaze and see our mom walk into the room.)

Mom: “What are you two doing here?”

(We establish that all three of us have received speeding tickets recently, none of which have been our first. The class starts and the teacher is taking roll-call.)

Teacher: “[My Name] [My Last Name].”

Me: “Here.”

Teacher: “[Brother] [My Last Name].”

Brother: “Here.”

Teacher: “[Mom] [My Last Name].”

Mom: “Here.”

(The teacher looks up after reading the three names in a row, to see the three of us sat together. We all look alike.)

Teacher: “Are you related?”

Mom: “They’re my sons.”

Teacher: “Who taught them how to drive?”

Mom: “I did.”

Teacher: “Figures.”