Customer: “I lost my CD key and I need a new one.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. In order for me to provide you with a replacement key, I need you to email me a picture of the CD as proof of ownership.”

Customer: “What? But I only need a CD key. I paid for it last week!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but due to piracy issues, I have to get proof that you own an original copy of the CD or anyone could call and claim they bought the game, yet have an illegal copy.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I paid forty f***ing dollars for this game and I need a CD key for it?”

Me: “I can provide you with a key if you will simply email me a picture of your CD.”

Customer: “No! This is America! If I say I paid for it, you should trust me! I’m going to report your company to the Attorney General! You ripped me off and won’t provide me with the product I paid for!”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “Oh, wait… the CD key is here on the plastic case.” *hangs up*

(We are a specialist inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the $40,000 fee despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we are in the process of taking them to court to get payment. They are making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I get a phone call from their operations manager.)

Customer: “Ah, Mr. [My Name], we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?”

Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

Customer: “Please, Mr. [My Name], that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

Me: “What about our money?”

Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

Me: “Goodbye.”

Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

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Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a handwritten receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back! I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point, the customer got very loud and started throwing oranges around the store. Someone called the police and he was eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

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(One day a man broke into our staff-only area and stole mine and my colleague’s purses and phones. This exchange took place about two minutes after I disturbed the burglar and he ran past me. I was in a bad state of shock.)

Customer: “What’s happened?”

Me: “Someone has just broken into upstairs and stolen our purses and mobiles.”

Customer: “Well, you know why that is don’t you? It’s because your prices are so high!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well if your prices weren’t so high then people wouldn’t need to do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry… you believe that because you think our stock is expensive that it gave someone the right to steal my personal possessions?”

(The customer then looked around her and noticed the rest of the queue staring at her in disbelief.)

Customer: “Well it’s not that I think… I mean… some might say… I…”

(She stuttered incoherently for a while and then paid for her items in silence.)

Next Customer: “What a complete fool! Are you alright, dear?”

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(It’s about closing time, and I’m doing the final stock of the tobacco stuff, while a police officer, there because of problems with theft of in-store merchandise, writes out his nightly report. In walks a very short person, obviously under 19, whiter than Casper, and dressed like a pimp.)

Short Pimp: “Packa Players!”

Me: “ID?”

SP: “What?”

Me: “I need to see your ID, or you can’t have ’em.”

SP: “You don’t need my ID! I’m 21!” *starts cussing*

Me: “Yes, but we have to ask if you look under 40, so hand it over.”

SP: “Well, you’re giving me the smokes anyway, and for free now because of the way you’re treating me.”

Me: “Uh-huh, and I’m Bill Gates.”

SP: “Fine! Here’s my f****** ID!” *hands over an obviously fake ID*

Me: “Okay, do you have a real ID?”

SP: “That is real, a**hole!”

Me: “Dude, no it isn’t. If you’re gonna use a fake ID, get someone who can at least spell Ontario.”

SP: “FINE! I’ll just shoot you and take what I want!

(Short Pimp sticks his hand in his pocket and pretends that there’s a gun in there.)

Me: “Right, because a cop totally isn’t standing right behind you with his very real gun at the back of your head.”

(Officer Cool Guy has gotten up and pulled his “very real gun” [read: just his nightstick, but held like a gun] on Short Pimp, but SP doesn’t know that.)

SP: “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

Me: “Next time, try [Competing Gas Station], and don’t come back.”

(Once SP left, Officer Cool Guy and I tried very hard not to burst out laughing.)