(Late at night, a customer comes to register with a tall bottle of whiskey and off-brand cola.)

Me: “Do you have your [Store Customer] card?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got it right here on my cell phone. You see, I gotta have my phone on me at all times in case the boss calls; I got the keys to heavy machinery.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

Customer: “You know how much fun it is to drive a bulldozer when you’re sober? IMAGINE THAT WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK!”

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(I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.)

Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!”

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(An older lady called in to comment about the sauce of one of our most popular pizzas.)

Customer: “It’s as though you people put crack in it!”

Me: *laughs* “It is pretty good…”

Customer: “So, do you?”

Me: “Do we… what?”

Customer: “Put crack in it.”

Me: “…are you asking if we put cocaine in our pizza sauce?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “No. I’m pretty sure they stopped putting drugs like that into food and medicine by the 1940s.”

Customer: “Oh. Really? Because it would explain a lot. I just can’t stop eating this pizza!”

Customer: “A packet of cigarettes and some gum, please.”

Me: “I’ll need an ID for the cigarettes, sir.”

Customer: “What? Why?!”

Me: “If you look under 30 we need an ID.”

Customer: “But… why?”

Me: “It’s against the law to sell cigarettes to under-aged persons. If there’s any risk of it, I need to check IDs or any other proof of identity, such as a driver’s license, passport, etc.”

Customer: “But, like, WHY?!”

Me: “It’s against the law. I could be fired or fined, and you’d get a penalty as well.”

Customer: “Yeah, but WHY?!”

Me: “It’s illegal, sir.”

Customer: “WHY?!”

Me: “Because… smoking is dangerous.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Me: “It has a lot of poisonous chemicals and known carcinogens in it.”

Customer: “Your cigarettes have carcinogens in them? Eww, I’m not buying these.”

Me: “Sir, the packet clearly reads ‘SMOKING KILLS.’ Wasn’t that a hint?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d sell CARCINOGENS. That’s just… ugh. Just give me some gum!”

Me: “Um… okay, sir, which flavor and brand?”

Customer: “Any flavor, any brand… Umm, do you have that nicotine gum stuff?”

(I notice a female customer shoving a few acne treatments into her purse.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss; you’re going to have to pay for those.”

Customer: “For what?”

Me: “For the treatments you just shoved into your purse.”

Customer: *sounding offended* “I did no such thing!”

Me: “Fine. Will you please show me there aren’t any stolen items in your bag?”

Customer: “No! You’re only doing this because I’m ugly!”

Me: “…what?”

Customer: “I can’t believe an ugly person can’t go out into public anymore without be accused of stealing!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’m never coming here again! *storms out, setting off the alarm and alerting security*

Coworker: “Maybe we should have just let her have them.”

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