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Military Intelligence, Part 4

, , , , | Right | October 15, 2009

(A kid walks up and asks to buy a pack of cigarettes.)

Me: “Could I see your ID, please?”

(The kid hands me an un-laminated piece of hand-cut white paper with a picture taped to it and all the “information” handwritten.)

Me: “Seriously, you’re going to try this?”

Customer: “It’s my military ID…”


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It Was All Just A Blur

, , , , | Legal Right | October 8, 2009

Me: “All right, ma’am, have you had any accidents or violations in the last three years?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, do you remember getting pulled over for any reason?”

Customer: “I already told you, I don’t know. Now, how much is the insurance?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but before I could know what the rate is, I have to know what your driving history is.”

Customer: “What does it matter? Just throw on a speeding ticket or two and call it a day!”

Me: “Okay. I can do that, but just keep in mind that the quote is only based on the information you provide. If your motor vehicle record comes back different, that could drastically affect the rate.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?”

Me: “It comes out to $106 a month.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll take it.”

(I then go to run the reports since she is ready to purchase the policy and find out she has had two DUIs in the past three years, two speeding tickets, one accident, and a suspended license.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the rate is now $486 a month. I would have been able to give you a more accurate quote if I knew about the DUIs.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought you just meant speeding tickets. I didn’t realize that DUIs counted. I mean, I wasn’t even speeding when I got them!”


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Extreme Makeover: Criminal Edition

, , , | Right | October 7, 2009

(I work in a check-out lane at a grocery store. A boy who looks about 16 walks up to the check-out and puts a twelve-pack of beer on the lane.)

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “Who do you think you are, a cop? No!”

Me: “If you want to purchase these, I need to see your ID. You don’t exactly look over 21.”

Customer: “Fine, b****!”

(He then hands me his ID, which has a picture of an elderly man on it.)

Me: “Sorry, you can’t buy these.”

Customer: “What the h***! I just gave you my ID!”

Me: “This ID belongs to an elderly man who has a gray mustache and beard.”

Customer: “It’s called Botox and shaving.”

Golden Rule, Meet Golden Bulldozer

, , , , | Legal Right | October 2, 2009

(I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.)

Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!”

Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.”

Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!”

Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.”

Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!”

Me: “Please step back, sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.”

(The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.)

Me: “What are you doing, sir?!”

Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to clear repairs with the city!”

Me: “Sir, that color paint is not the same as the paint job on the equipment. Plus, you are now defacing this equipment. I will call the police if you don’t stop!”

Resident: “F*** off, you f****** lemming!”

Me: “That’s it, I’m calling the police!”

(By the time the police showed up, all his neighbors had come outside to watch the commotion. Things only went downhill from there, as he ended up getting charged with three counts: defacing public property, resisting arrest, and assault on a peace officer.)

Displaying Full Evidence Of Idiocy

, , , , , , , | Right | September 29, 2009

A customer pulls up in a burgundy taxi, tells the driver to wait, and then comes into the store.

He then pulls out a knife and a garbage bag and tells me to fill the bag with cartons of cigarettes.

I fill the bag and watch as the crook then runs into what he thinks is his burgundy taxi, and slams the door behind himself.

Unbeknownst to him, I have just watched the taxi drive away, after seeing him attempt to rob the store, and a burgundy cop car, driven by a store regular, pull up.

Now the cop has just pulled into the gas station to get fuel, and some random guy has jumped into the back of his cop car, holding a knife and a bag full of stolen cigarette cartons, and locked himself in…

It takes a full hour for the cop to take my statement, because we can’t stop laughing at the idiot who arrested himself while holding the evidence of his robbery.


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