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Plastic, Scamtastic

, , , | Right | May 8, 2009

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Three sandwiches.”

Me: “Okay, what kind?”

Customer: “Umm… what’s that kind?” *points at a sign behind me*

(I turn around to see what he’s talking about. When I turn back around, I see the man taking off out the side door with our display sandwich.)

Me: “Good luck eating your plastic sandwich!”


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We Need One Of These In Every Store, Part 4

, , , | Right | May 7, 2009

(A guy who bought a game comes back wanting a refund. The problem is that the game seal had been broken, the game disc had some nasty scratches on it, and it was thirty days past our return policy window.)

Me: “Hi. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve got this game here that I didn’t fully enjoy. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the seal has been broken, and the disc is damaged. I can’t give you a refund for this.”

Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me! I wasn’t informed about that!”

Me: “Sir, if you look right here on your receipt, you’ll see what rights you have. And as you can see, the 30-day return policy has expired, and the game is damaged. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do.”

Customer: “Oh no, don’t try this on me. I know my rights, due to the fact that I’m a lawyer. So you’d better think about your next move, or it could end up bad for you.”

Me: “Hold on a second… are you threatening me?”

Customer: “That depends on how you handle this situation.”

(By this point, there was a large line forming in the store, and the guy standing behind my customer looked pretty pissed off.)

Customer: “So, are you going to give me a refund or not?”

Customer #2: *interrupting* “I’ve had it with this. You told this guy you’re a lawyer, right? And that you’re entitled to a refund, am I correct?”

Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, that is correct.”

Customer #2: “Here’s the deal: I know for a fact that you’re wrong. I think everyone in this store knows that you’re wrong, and the reason WHY I know this is because I AM a lawyer. What you’re doing is borderline illegal. So, may I suggest that you leave this store right now?”

Customer: *quietly* “Well…what I was trying to tell him was…um…”

(The customer then quickly left the store.)

Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Test

, , , , | Right | May 7, 2009

(My mom and I are leaving from the place where I took the test to get my driver’s license when we see another car drive-in. A man steps out of the car and talks to the lady in charge of giving the driver’s test. )

Driver: “I’m here to take my driver’s test.”

Employee: “Who drove you here?”

Driver: “I drove myself.”

Employee: “You drove yourself here to take the test to get your driver’s license?”

Driver: “Yes.”

Employee: “That could be a problem…”


This story is part of our Even-More-Bad-Drivers roundup!

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They Stop Terrorists, Thwart Criminals, and Return Blenders

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: *on the phone* “My order number is [number].”

Me: “Okay, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”

Me: “Are you [Customer] of [Street]?”

Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”

Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”

Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”

Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”

Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”

Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”

Me: “For what, sir?”

Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”

Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”

Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”

Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*

(I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)

Another Darwin Awards Candidate

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2009

(I’m working the night shift when suddenly a guy dressed in black with a mask over his head comes in. He pulls out a gun and comes heading my way. Without even thinking, I incapacitate him with a basic self-defense skill.)

Customer: “HOLY S***! What the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “Sir, you were about to hold me up!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You came into the store with a mask over your head and gun in your hand.”

(At this point, I notice that the gun is a controller for a game. I let him go.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about what just happened, sir. So, you wanted that fixed, right?”

Customer: “It’s… no big deal. Can you fix it anyway?”

Me: “Not a problem, sir.”

(After checking the wiring and whatnot inside the gun, I find some faulty chipwork and fix it.)

Me: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *pays up*

Me: “Just one thing, though.”

Customer: “Ah, yeah?”

Me: “What’s with the mask?”

Customer: “Sometimes, I like to pretend!” *giggles and walks out*

(I never worked the night shift again.)