Client: “Good morning, I’m interested in a website.”

Me: “Okay, we can help you with that. Can you tell me a little about your business and what the website needs to look like and do?”

Client: “I can, but before that, I want to see some examples of your work.”

I gave him the website address for our portfolio and waited while he typed it in and confirmed he could see it.

Me: “Can you see the portfolio?”

Client: “Your website is making noises at me. Make it stop.”

I could hear what sounded like a jingle or ringtone somewhere in the background.

Me: “I assure you that our website does not make noises.”

Client: *Getting irate* “Yes, it is! Make it stop now! You have no right to do this.”

Me: “It isn’t our website. Are you sure it’s not your phone?”

Client: “What? Hold on…”

I listened to the sounds of him rummaging through a bag, and then the ringing stopped. He continued without any hint of acknowledgment or apology.

Client: “So, back to your portfolio. What are you most proud of? What is your best work?”

Me: “Sorry, but I really don’t think we are going to be able to work together. Thanks for the inquiry, but we cannot help you with this. Bye.”

I was asked to do a little write-up explaining the difference between net weight ounces and fluid ounces for a website selling a bottled product. The boss and owner, an octogenarian, gave me a newspaper clipping of the information to make sure I got it right.

I already knew about basic measurements from school, but I checked the clipping and Google before putting it in my own words. I emailed it to them for approval, and they returned to me a printout of the tiny paragraph with red question marks scrawled around it.

Client: “Where the heck did you get this from? I told you to base it on the newspaper article I gave you! You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet!”

They had been defining fluid ounces as “the weight of the fluid in the bottle sans the weight of the bottle and cap” and explaining it that way to customers for decades as a selling point by saying, “Our competitors’ measurements include the whole bottle!”

Me: “Actually, fluid ounces are a measure of volume, not weight. They’re measuring the volume of the bottle, not adding its weight to their product.”

Client: “That’s not what I remember from my school days!”

The client insisted his definition was right, so rather than fight that battle, I convinced them not to put up anything about ounces. Although, I understand why they thought that information would be “useful to buyers!”

I’m a panoramic photographer working for a marketing agency, and I have to call their clients to set up our appointments.

This one client pushed the shooting date for months. After we finally agreed on an appointment, I arrived and started to do my work — until she asked me to leave because “customers are coming.”

Now, the thing with panoramic photos is that the pictures are unusable unless the place is fully captured. You can’t stitch photos from different times together and expect to have a quality product. I explained this to her, and she asked me to finish my work another time.

I left, and then we started the vicious cycle again: I call to set up an appointment, she says no. For months.

Finally, I asked my boss to convince her to let me finish. He called me back, angry, because she explained that the shooting wasn’t finished because I hadn’t gone to our “two last appointments.”

Client: “I want a 2D animated promotional video for my company.”

Me: “What style did you have in mind? Can you send me an example of what you’re thinking?”

The client sends me Pixar’s “Partly Cloudy” as an example.

Me: “That’s CGI animation. I usually work in 2D.”

Client: “Yes, CGI 2D animation. That’s what I want.”

Me: “Not quite. Also, that’s from Pixar. If you want it to look like that, it’s a little outside of my skill.”

Client: “I’ll pay you 400$ for it.”

Me: “…”

Client: “Okay, fine. 500$.”

Me: “…That’s a really tempting offer, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline because I think you deserve better than me.”

Guys… I think I just “it’s not you, it’s me”-ed a client.

I was doing a logo for a client. The client didn’t really know what a logo consisted of and basically wanted me to do a full-body vector illustration of him as his logo.

Client: “I hate it. Looking at it hurts my eyes.”

Me: “Okay, what can I do to make it better?”

Client: “Make it mysterious. People need to be able to recognize me but not recognize me at the same time. I want to look brooding.”

I made his shoes pointy.

Client: “PERFECT!”