A non-profit client offers social services for individuals seeking help with addiction, homelessness, HIV/AIDS, etc. There is an image bar on the website with stock photos of people related to each issue that the non-profit assists with.

The client emails me photos of real-life clients to replace the stock images.

Me: “Um… are we sure we want to put your actual clients in these spaces?”

Client: “Don’t worry; I wasn’t going to match anyone’s picture to their actual problem. See that guy? He has AIDS, not an addiction to alcohol.”

Client: “The Vice President did a three-hour speech that needs to be cut down to thirty minutes, and I need a VHS on my desk in half an hour.”

Me: “I can’t possibly make that deadline. Also, are you sure you don’t want a DVD?”

Client: “You are so negative! Why can’t you do it?”

Me: “I can’t cut down a three-hour speech in half an hour. Even if I could, it would take me more than thirty minutes to make the VHS and spot-check it. It can’t be done.”

Client: “You always have an excuse. I need that VHS now.”

I finished the VHS in four hours. It sat on the client’s desk for a week before I received this email:

Client: “Received your VHS — late! Why is this on tape instead of DVD?”

Me: “Here is the service sticker design. As we discussed, I will not make any revisions to this design for free. If you must have a revision, there will be a small fee.”

Client: “This is unacceptable. You must start over.”

Me: “I’ve done exactly as you asked. The sticker has your logo and enough space to write down dates and descriptions for five services. If you tell me what you would like changed, I will make the changes for a small fee.”

Client: “You need to make it look better.”

Me: “That isn’t very descriptive. What don’t you like about it?”

Client: “Everything.”

Me: “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

Me: “Hello! Attached you will find two concepts for the book design. Please let us know which one you prefer, and then we will design the rest of the pages.”

Client: “We prefer Concept B, but we aren’t sure we like the color. Can you please make it blue?”

I look at Concept B.

It is blue.

Me: “I’m happy to change the color, but the concept is already designed with blue as the predominant color. Are you looking at the file on your screen or printed out? Sometimes standard office printers can make colors look off.”

Client: “I’m looking at it on my screen, and it is definitely gray and not at all blue.”

Me: “Hmm… that’s strange. Take a look at this file and let me know what you think.”

Clients: “That’s great! Thanks. You can go ahead with the rest of the design.”

I had changed the color by shifting the color code by a single digit. To the untrained eye, both files would appear to be the exact same blue. I still have no idea what happened there.

I’m a freelance illustrator, and I’m also a huge fan of this show about a family who owns a burger restaurant. In this social media group I’m in, people are dying to have themselves drawn in the style of the show. I posted a link to my page and let people know I could do this.

Client: “I’d like my family done in the style. Money is no object.”

Me: “Okay. We can discuss something, and then I can give you a quote.”

He tells me what he wants, and I let him know that it would not only take some time, but it would be labor-intensive, so the price is going to reflect accordingly.

Client: “I have money. As long as it’s on point, I’ll pay a reasonable price.”

Me: “Okay. However, as stated in my terms and conditions, I require payment up front.”

Client: “I’ll pay if it’s on point. Money is no object.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t work for free. I could do an example by drawing a character from the show, and you can decide if you wish to buy my services then.”

Client: “Okay, here’s what I want in the example: [lists everything he asked for in his commision].”

Me: “My example will be a pre-existing character. As stated, I require payment up front.”

Client: “Money is no object! I’ll pay a reasonable price if it’s on point!”

I didn’t return his messages after that.