I am talking to an older client who is unhappy with how a design has turned out, despite following his exacting specifications.

Client: “No, no, no! I want a gold trim! And in Art Deco style! Did you learn nothing in design school?!”

Me: “[Client], I know what Art Deco is. I went through several Art Deco examples with you and you decided on the version that is currently in the design.”

Client: “This is ridiculous. I’ll just go down to the photo shop myself and have it done!”

Me: “[Client], you’re welcome to take your requests to a photography store, but they can usually only do basic touch-ups to existing photos, not graphic design.”

Client: “You’re just trying to keep me as a client! Tell me where the photo shop is that sends you all the designs!”

Me: “I do all the designs myself; I don’t outsource to a—”

Client: “No, no, you always talk about the photo shop! Where is it?! I want to talk to them directly!”

The penny drops.

Me: “[Client], are you talking about the software I use for my designs, Photoshop?”

Client: “I don’t care what software they use. Just give me their address!”

Me: “[Client], there is no physical shop or store that does the designs. I do them, on a piece of computer software that is called Photoshop. That’s all there is.”

Client: *Pauses* “Well, then give me the name of the person that runs Photoshop! I need the head honcho for this!”

Yes, this client wanted to talk to Adobe directly to create his flyers for his flash sale on cocktail sticks and napkins.

I am helping a client design a sign.

Client: “I don’t like all those apostrophes. Take them all out.”

Me: “So, you want an intentionally misspelled sign?”

Client: “Punctuation isn’t important if the words are spelled right.”

Me: “I don’t think—”

Client: “I used to be a teacher; just trust me on this.”

I’m creating a new design for a client’s website. After the third round of changes, the client is happy and approves our new design. We code it and send the URL over for approval before launching.

Client: “Hmm. Looks all right. But could you try the logo a bit smaller and in the center?”

Me: “Sure, like this?”

Client: “Yeah, no, that didn’t look as good as I thought. Change it back. And could you try the sidebar in darker purple?”

Me: “Sure, like this?”

Client: “Yeah, like that! But now the content boxes look a bit bleak. Could you make them stand out more?”

And so on. This goes on for about seven rounds of editing (and about seven times I manage to talk them out of something). We get closer and closer to the original, until:

Me: “Look, you approved the design. Any changes are heaps easier to do in Photoshop than on the actual site with code. What are we doing here?”

Client: “Oh, sorry. I’m used to working this way. By the way, I talked to our AD and he had some good points. I’ll send them over.”

I receive a PowerPoint that’s similar to our first design but requires fresh coding and work. The back and forth occurs five more times.

Me: “All right. Like that?”

Client: “Yeah, that’s good enough, I guess. But we decided to postpone the launch until after summer, so just save it somewhere and we’ll pick this up in August or something. I trust you won’t invoice us since you haven’t delivered anything yet.”

I’m meeting with a client for the first time to discuss a project.

Client: “So, are you—” *whispers* “—Native American?”

Me: “Yes.”

Client: “Wow, what percentage?”

Me: “100%.”

Client: “Wow. So, does that mean both of your parents were—” *whispers* “—Natives? Wow. What tribe?”

Me: “Navajo.”

Client: “Hmm, I’ve never heard of them. Is that like Cherokee or Muckleshoot?”

Me: “Navajo, as in the code-talkers of World War II. Ever heard of them?”

Client: “No. Weird. I’m really interested in this because I do Native American things, too. Everyone just thinks I’m stoned.”

The client then stood up and walked away. We never even got to discuss the project.

Client: “Hey, can you retouch photos? I’ve got my album cover photo, but it needs some minor touch-ups. Zits and stuff.”

Me: “Sure, let me take a look.”

Client: “So, just remove that blemish on my nose and the zit on my forehead.”

Me: “No problem.”

Client: “Also, I forgot to shave, so take care of my stubble.”

Me: “Stubble’s not the easiest thing to remove—”

Client: “Ah, well, my sideburns and hairstyle could use some help, too.”

Me: “Well—”

Client: “And how do you think I’d look with sunglasses and different clothes? You know, this is getting ridiculous. Just let me see some options.”