(I’m going through a breakup-song phase. It has nothing to do with my feelings for my boyfriend; I just really like the songs. My boyfriend, apparently, does not approve. He only speaks Spanish, so he’ll often ask me to translate the songs I’m listening to in English. Keep in mind that these conversations are all in good humor.)

Boyfriend: “What’s that song about?”

Me: “Breakups.”

Boyfriend: *laughing* “[My Name]! You can’t listen to that!”

(Later:)

Boyfriend: “What are you listening to?”

Me: “It’s a song about how [Artist] is moving on from their breakup. It’s really goo–“

Boyfriend: “[My Name]! Why are you listening to this stuff?”

Me: *laughing* “It doesn’t have anything to do with you, I promise! I just really like [Artist]’s style!”

(Later that week:)

Boyfriend: “What’s that song about?”

Me: “Umm…”

Boyfriend: “[My Name]!”

Me: *laughing* “What?”

(Later:)

Boyfriend: *suspiciously* “What are you listening to now?”

Me: “Well, it’s about a guy who keeps having failed first dates, but he’s–“

Boyfriend: “Oh, for heaven’s sake! What is wrong with you?”

Me: “No, no! Wait! It’s about failed first dates, not relationships, and how [Artist] has decided to keep trying! He’s really looking for love! It’s a positive song, I promise!” *laughing* “And it’s not about breakups!”

Boyfriend: *pause* “Yeah, I still think that’s about breakups.”

Me: *facepalm*

(Luckily, I was nearing the end of my breakup-song phase!)

(I’m with my family watching a funny TV show about a ridiculous, hyper-observant guy that pretends to be a psychic in order to help the police. His best friend is a much more respectful, grown-up character. While solving a case, they come across a Bible and the main character, who is hilariously sacrilegious, throws it over his shoulder to get it out of the way. A terrific conversation ensues between the characters… and my father:)

Friend Character: “I can’t believe you did that!”

Main Character: “What? It doesn’t mean I don’t respect it.”

Friend Character: “Please. Have you ever even read the Good Book?”

Main Character: “Duh. Of course, I have.”

Friend Character: “Okay, fine. What are the first five books?”

(For those who don’t know, the first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.)

Main Character: “Uhhh… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan, Doooooo… the right thing?”

Dad: *pauses show* “Wait! He forgot Numbers!”

Me: “Really, Dad? As a pastor, the most important thing that you noticed was that he skipped one?”

Dad: *laughing* “Of course! That’s obviously the important part!” 

Family: “Okay, fine. What would you have said?”

Dad: *very focused* “Hmm… Let’s see… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan… Numerology!”

(I’m not sure if we actually finished watching the episode that night, and almost ten years later, it’s still a running joke!)

There is a makeup store near my house where you can make an appointment and someone will do your makeup. I have a wedding to go to, so I make one for thirty minutes at 3:00 pm. To be on time for the wedding, I have to leave my house at four.

I arrive a little early and a woman without an appointment arrives with me. They decide to work with her first because it isn’t 3:00 pm yet; it is like 2:56.

When, finally, someone starts with me, he keeps leaving me alone to attend customers. I keep telling him that I have to go by 3:30, but the time arrives and I’m not done.

At that moment, another customer enters the store and the guy doing my makeup leaves me again, but this time I stop him, telling that I really have to go. He then proceeds to make a disaster of my eyes, and when I tell him it looks awful, he answers, “But you need to go; I don’t have time to fix it.”

And that’s why I looked like a zombie at my brother-in-law’s wedding.

(It is normal here for girls to carry lotion in their bags and offer some to all the other girls with them every time they use it. Several of my male friends have recently started asking for some, and now we all offer to the girls AND the guys, usually without laughing. One of my friends uses her lotion, and this conversation follows:)

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion for your face? It’s super dry…” *unintelligible*

Male Friend: “What?”

Female Friend: “Do you want lotion? For your face? It’s really dry.”

Male Friend: “Did you say gross?”

Female Friend: “What? Don’t be ridiculous. I mean, I could say it if you want. Gross. Your face is gross. It’s so dry.”

Male Friend: “Rude.”

Female Friend: “Okay, sorry! Do you want lotion for your dry face?”

Male Friend: *look*

Female Friend: “Oh, my gosh! Okay, do you want lotion for your not-very-moisturized face?”

(My family lives in several different countries, and one of the ways we keep in touch is through a messaging group where we send each other pictures. It can get pretty goofy, but this day is one of the best. Keep in mind this is all over chat:)

Me: *sends pictures from zoo*

Brother: “Wow! Did you just get back from the zoo? I went today, too!” *sends pictures from different zoo*

Sister: “We felt a bit left out, so we decided to stop by our local zoo, too!”

(She sent us pictures of my niece and nephew dressed in hooded dinosaur onesies with a sign on the crib that said, “Please don’t feed the animals.” Gotta love family!)

Related:
My Family And Other Animals, Part 11
My Family And Other Animals, Part 10
My Family And Other Animals, Part 9