Just Have Your Groceries Delivered Next Time

, , , | Right | March 3, 2021

I always return things to where I found them in a store. I believe it’s just the decent thing to do, and if something is frozen or refrigerated, I’ll make an extra effort so it doesn’t have to be thrown out later; I don’t like wasting food. And while I don’t go around stores fixing everything, if I’m looking at something specific and see that it’s unorganized, on the floor, or out of order, I’ll usually fix it. Apparently, most people don’t think this way.

On one occasion, I’m in a grocery store with some friends. We realize we’re in a hurry and have a few unnecessary things. They’re unfamiliar with the checkout, so I offer what I think is a reasonable solution.

Me: “Okay, I’ll head to checkout and you guys can put this stuff back real quick. The [item #1] goes over there, [item #2] goes a few aisles down, and [item #3] goes at the end right there, next to the produce.”

My friends look at me like I have two heads.

Me: “Oooookay. How about I put this stuff back and I’ll come meet you at the checkout in a minute?”

My friends walk away, muttering about how what I’m doing doesn’t make sense and takes too much effort.

On another occasion, I’m in a small convenience store with some friends. [Friend #1] is randomly grabbing sodas and [Friend #2] is trying to explain which ones we need. [Friend #1] isn’t really paying attention and is rooting through a fairly organized fridge to find the sodas he wants, leaving all the ones he moved in random spots. I obviously disapprove.

Me: “No, no, put it back where you found it. You can’t just leave it there!”

Both friends scoff.

Me: “Ugh, you’ve never worked retail. The other things we need are over there. Just wait for me.” 

I love these guys, but I know they won’t be able to get the rest of the stuff without help. I quickly lean down and put the smaller sodas back on the top shelf and move the bigger sodas so they’re sitting together by kind again. It’s maybe fifteen seconds, and there is no way to make it perfect since the fridge is pretty small; I just put them back to how they were before.

Friend #2: *Mostly joking* “Are you done? I mean, why were you doing it?”

Friend #1: *Laughing* “I’m not sure you really even helped!”

I give my friends the sarcastic, eyebrow-raised death glare that only women can do.

Friends #1 & #2: *Sheepish* “Umm, what did we need again?”

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We Need Insurance Against Horrible People

, , , , | Right | September 24, 2020

A friend has been complaining about getting too many phone calls from an insurance company, even though he has refused their services many times. He receives yet another call.

Friend: “Hello.”

Caller: “Hello, this is [Caller] from [Insurance Company]. I’m calling to let you know about our new life insurance package—”

Friend: “No, thanks. I really don’t need life insurance right now.”

Caller: “How come? Everyone needs life insurance!”

Friend: *Without missing a beat* “Yes, but you see, I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal disease, so I don’t have much longer.”

Caller: *Taken aback* “Oh, my God, that’s terrible. I’m so, so sorry, we didn’t know.”

Friend: “Yeah, no, it’s okay, don’t worry. My family and I have already sorted out the insurance thing and all the paperwork, so I really don’t need what you’re offering me.”

Caller: “Yes, of course, of course. Look, I’m really sorry to bother you in a time like this. I’ll personally take you out of the list so you won’t be called again.”

Friend: “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

Caller: “Oh, it’s nothing. Again, I’m very sorry. Please take care.”

Friend: “Okay, thanks.” *Hangs up, then turns to me* “I shouldn’t have made that up… I’m a horrible person.”

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Sometimes People Forget Things — Like How To Be Nice

, , , , | Working | May 15, 2020

I’m at the pharmacy of an organization that sells medications for specific conditions at a slightly lower price than regular pharmacies. Most of the employees are friendly, or at least polite, but this day is a little different.

Employee: “How can I help you?”

Me: “I need to buy some medications. My ID number is [number].”

Employee: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yep!”

Employee: “Okay, so, you need [Medication #1], right? That’s the only one on here.”

Me: *Thinking* “Oh, no… I forgot again!”

Employee: “Because the prescription for [Medication #2] is expired—”

I’m about to say, “Oops, I forgot.”

Employee: “—so did you remember or did you not even do anything about it?”

He does not say this in a friendly tone. He isn’t joking or anything. It seems pretty harsh.

Me: “Umm… Okay, I’ll come back later.”

I left and texted my doctor to get another script. She wrote it up quickly and I was able to get the medication the same day, luckily from a different employee. It wasn’t like he yelled at me or anything; I was just really surprised at how judgemental he seemed, especially considering the issues that my medications are usually used to treat. Sigh.

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Sometimes It’s Not About Content; It’s About Aesthetic

, , , , , | Romantic | March 29, 2020

(I’m going through a breakup-song phase. It has nothing to do with my feelings for my boyfriend; I just really like the songs. My boyfriend, apparently, does not approve. He only speaks Spanish, so he’ll often ask me to translate the songs I’m listening to in English. Keep in mind that these conversations are all in good humor.)

Boyfriend: “What’s that song about?”

Me: “Breakups.”

Boyfriend: *laughing* “[My Name]! You can’t listen to that!”

(Later:)

Boyfriend: “What are you listening to?”

Me: “It’s a song about how [Artist] is moving on from their breakup. It’s really goo–“

Boyfriend: “[My Name]! Why are you listening to this stuff?”

Me: *laughing* “It doesn’t have anything to do with you, I promise! I just really like [Artist]’s style!”

(Later that week:)

Boyfriend: “What’s that song about?”

Me: “Umm…”

Boyfriend: “[My Name]!”

Me: *laughing* “What?”

(Later:)

Boyfriend: *suspiciously* “What are you listening to now?”

Me: “Well, it’s about a guy who keeps having failed first dates, but he’s–“

Boyfriend: “Oh, for heaven’s sake! What is wrong with you?”

Me: “No, no! Wait! It’s about failed first dates, not relationships, and how [Artist] has decided to keep trying! He’s really looking for love! It’s a positive song, I promise!” *laughing* “And it’s not about breakups!”

Boyfriend: *pause* “Yeah, I still think that’s about breakups.”

Me: *facepalm*

(Luckily, I was nearing the end of my breakup-song phase!)

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He’s About To Go Old Testament On Their A**es

, , , , , | Related | December 7, 2019

(I’m with my family watching a funny TV show about a ridiculous, hyper-observant guy that pretends to be a psychic in order to help the police. His best friend is a much more respectful, grown-up character. While solving a case, they come across a Bible and the main character, who is hilariously sacrilegious, throws it over his shoulder to get it out of the way. A terrific conversation ensues between the characters… and my father:)

Friend Character: “I can’t believe you did that!”

Main Character: “What? It doesn’t mean I don’t respect it.”

Friend Character: “Please. Have you ever even read the Good Book?”

Main Character: “Duh. Of course, I have.”

Friend Character: “Okay, fine. What are the first five books?”

(For those who don’t know, the first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.)

Main Character: “Uhhh… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan, Doooooo… the right thing?”

Dad: *pauses show* “Wait! He forgot Numbers!”

Me: “Really, Dad? As a pastor, the most important thing that you noticed was that he skipped one?”

Dad: *laughing* “Of course! That’s obviously the important part!” 

Family: “Okay, fine. What would you have said?”

Dad: *very focused* “Hmm… Let’s see… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan… Numerology!”

(I’m not sure if we actually finished watching the episode that night, and almost ten years later, it’s still a running joke!)

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