(I am six. My mother has always had a lewd sense of humour which I seem to have developed. She is buying various items including men’s underwear for my dad.)

Mother: *to me* “You should ask the cashier lady if these underwear come with the lump in the front.”

Me: *having no clue, we eventually reach the checkout desk* “Do those underwear come with the lump in the front?”

(My mother turned beet red and apologized for me. She couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.)

(It’s not unusual, in the middle of a transaction, for a family to notice that they’ve forgotten their sunscreen. As I’m whiter than a ghost, usually I need to wear sunscreen even in the shaded booth, so I bring my own bottle into the booth for protection. If a family who treats me nice, forgets their own sunscreen, I’ll let them use some of mine.)

Mom: “Oh, no! We forgot sunscreen!”

Dad: “Do you sell any of it in the park?”

Me: “We do, but I have to admit, it’s five dollars, it’s 15 SPF, and it’s the size of travel tube of toothpaste.”

Dad: “Oh, man!”

Me: “But… I actually have a bottle of 60 SPF for my own personal use. I’d be willing for you to use some for free.”

Dad: “Oh, thank you!”

(He turns to his wife who wasn’t paying attention to his conversation with me.)

Dad: “Honey, she says we can use her sunscreen.”

(I hand the woman the bottle, and she takes it. Suddenly, she puts it in the stroller and starts walking away.)

Me: “Wait! Wait! WAIT!”

(The dad stops his wife and grabs the bottle.)

Dad: “She meant, to borrow.”

Mom: “Oh.”

(My parents and sisters and I are going through the drive-thru of a well-known chain coffee shop, which had just begun its fall flavour promotion. My dad is the driver, and thus the one talking to the barista.)

Dad: *as we’re waiting in the line* “Okay, what’s everyone getting?”

(My mom and I give simple orders, but my sisters love to customize their orders.)

Sister #1: “Nonfat, no sugar, pumpkin spice latte with an extra shot.”

Sister #2: “Same thing.”

Dad: “Okay, wait. A no fat, non-sugar what?”

(At this moment, our turn to order has come, and my sisters are retelling their order when the barista starts speaking.)

Barista: “Welcome to [Shop]. What can I get for you today?”

Dad: “Hi, I’ll get a coffee and—”

Barista: “What size coffee?”

Dad: “Med—”

Sister #1: “Dad, they don’t go by those sizes. You want a grande.”

(My dad is getting quite flustered by this point, but he tells the barista he wants grande, then gives my mom’s and my orders.)

Dad: “And two no-fat, extra shot, pumpkin—”

Sister #2: “No! Non-fat, no sugar!”

Dad: “Two nonfat, no sugar, extra shot, pumpkin space latte—”

(At this point my mom and sisters and I all started laughing hysterically at the mispronunciation, and my poor flustered dad had to shout to finish the order. I don’t know how the poor barista got our orders right, but my dad swore he would never go through a drive-thru with us again.)

(As a pizza delivery driver, at the beginning of my shift I am given a supply of fives and ones to make change for customers if needed. This is known as a “bank.” At the end of the shift, I am reimbursed for my mileage, less the amount of my bank. On this night, things are pretty slow, so I actually owe the store money.)

Shift Leader: “Okay, you got a $20 bank, and your mileage comes to $13.34, so you owe us…” *gives quizzical look*

Me: “$6.66, right?”

Shift Leader: “Huh! Yeah! Too funny!” *yells to another driver* “Hey, check this out! [My Name] owes us $6.66 for his bank!”

Me: “And my soul!”

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(We are allowed to wear costumes at work on Halloween. I thought this would make it easier to find out which associate helped the customers, since the customers never remember their names.)

Me: “Did anyone help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, but I forget his name.”

Me: “That’s okay. Was he wearing a costume?”

Customer: “No.”

(I put in the name of the only associate not wearing a costume. Our uniforms consist of black pants and a simple collared red T-shirt. The transaction ends.)

Customer: “Oh! It was him!”

(They pointed to an associate wearing a Gru costume from “Despicable Me”… which consists of a grey turtleneck sweater, a striped grey scarf, and a large Minion stuffy.)

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