I Weep At Your Ignorance
Friend: “Hey, what’s the name of the Beatles song? You know, the one where his guitar gently weeps?”
Me: “…While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”
Friend: “No, that doesn’t sound right.”
This story is part of our Beatles roundup!
Mother Has To Take Her Lumps
(I am six. My mother has always had a lewd sense of humour which I seem to have developed. She is buying various items including men’s underwear for my dad.)
Mother: *to me* “You should ask the cashier lady if these underwear come with the lump in the front.”
Me: *having no clue, we eventually reach the checkout desk* “Do those underwear come with the lump in the front?”
(My mother turned beet red and apologized for me. She couldn’t get out of the store fast enough.)
Need To Sun-Screen Out The Inconsiderate Customers
(It’s not unusual, in the middle of a transaction, for a family to notice that they’ve forgotten their sunscreen. As I’m whiter than a ghost, usually I need to wear sunscreen even in the shaded booth, so I bring my own bottle into the booth for protection. If a family who treats me nice, forgets their own sunscreen, I’ll let them use some of mine.)
Mom: “Oh, no! We forgot sunscreen!”
Dad: “Do you sell any of it in the park?”
Me: “We do, but I have to admit, it’s five dollars, it’s 15 SPF, and it’s the size of travel tube of toothpaste.”
Dad: “Oh, man!”
Me: “But… I actually have a bottle of 60 SPF for my own personal use. I’d be willing for you to use some for free.”
Dad: “Oh, thank you!”
(He turns to his wife who wasn’t paying attention to his conversation with me.)
Dad: “Honey, she says we can use her sunscreen.”
(I hand the woman the bottle, and she takes it. Suddenly, she puts it in the stroller and starts walking away.)
Me: “Wait! Wait! WAIT!”
(The dad stops his wife and grabs the bottle.)
Dad: “She meant, to borrow.”
Mom: “Oh.”
Misses The Days When Coffee Was Just Coffee
(My parents and sisters and I are going through the drive-thru of a well-known chain coffee shop, which had just begun its fall flavour promotion. My dad is the driver, and thus the one talking to the barista.)
Dad: *as we’re waiting in the line* “Okay, what’s everyone getting?”
(My mom and I give simple orders, but my sisters love to customize their orders.)
Sister #1: “Nonfat, no sugar, pumpkin spice latte with an extra shot.”
Sister #2: “Same thing.”
Dad: “Okay, wait. A no fat, non-sugar what?”
(At this moment, our turn to order has come, and my sisters are retelling their order when the barista starts speaking.)
Barista: “Welcome to [Shop]. What can I get for you today?”
Dad: “Hi, I’ll get a coffee and—”
Barista: “What size coffee?”
Dad: “Med—”
Sister #1: “Dad, they don’t go by those sizes. You want a grande.”
(My dad is getting quite flustered by this point, but he tells the barista he wants grande, then gives my mom’s and my orders.)
Dad: “And two no-fat, extra shot, pumpkin—”
Sister #2: “No! Non-fat, no sugar!”
Dad: “Two nonfat, no sugar, extra shot, pumpkin space latte—”
(At this point my mom and sisters and I all started laughing hysterically at the mispronunciation, and my poor flustered dad had to shout to finish the order. I don’t know how the poor barista got our orders right, but my dad swore he would never go through a drive-thru with us again.)
Deliver Your Pizzas Or You’ll Have The Devil To Pay
(As a pizza delivery driver, at the beginning of my shift I am given a supply of fives and ones to make change for customers if needed. This is known as a “bank.” At the end of the shift, I am reimbursed for my mileage, less the amount of my bank. On this night, things are pretty slow, so I actually owe the store money.)
Shift Leader: “Okay, you got a $20 bank, and your mileage comes to $13.34, so you owe us…” *gives quizzical look*
Me: “$6.66, right?”
Shift Leader: “Huh! Yeah! Too funny!” *yells to another driver* “Hey, check this out! [My Name] owes us $6.66 for his bank!”
Me: “And my soul!”
This story is featured in our Religious Customers roundup!
