(I am calling customers who we are only billing for a sim card. I am offering them an upgrade to include a mobile handset. I am near the end of my shift and the following conversation occurs with a customer who sounds like she is in her 40s:)

Me: “Hi. My name is [My Name], and I’m calling from [Company] to offer you a new mobile deal.”

Customer: “Oh, great. What can you do for me?”

Me: “Well, first of all, we are only charging you for a sim card. What kind of handset do you have for it?”

Customer: “I don’t have one!”

Me: “Okay… so, what do have your sim card in?”

Customer: “I have it in my mobile phone!”

Me: *face-palm* “Okay, that’s your handset. Do you know what make it is?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.”

Me: “Okay, is it an iPhone or Samsung or…”

Customer: “YES! IT’S THAT ONE!”

Me: “Erm, which one? iPhone or Samsung?”

Customer: “It’s an iPhone Samsung!”

Me: *face-palm* “No, miss, they are two different brands. Either an iPhone or a Samsung.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s a Samsung.”

Me: “Okay, do you know what model?”

Customer: “It’s a Samsung Galaxy.”

Me: “Do you know which kind? There a quite a few of them.”

Customer: “No, I’m not sure.”

Me: “Okay, because one of the older models would be a galaxy s5…”

Customer: “YES! THAT WHAT I HAVE!”

Me: “Okay and would you be interested in an upgrade?”

Customer: “Oh, no, it’s okay, dear. I’m happy with what I have. Thank you.”

Me: “No problem. Sorry to bother you.”

(I knew I wasn’t going to get very far, anyway.)

(I work in a call centre for an electricity company.)

Me: “Hi. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Look. I know I need my meter read, but I don’t want the guy on my property. So, can he just go next door and read the meter over the fence with binoculars?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

(The customer repeats themselves.)

Me: “No, sorry, if you want the meter read, you have to provide access.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll leave the gate unlocked.”

(The customer hung up.)

(A woman is calling to check on the status of her order. She has given me her name and company.)

Me: “Do you have your order number with you today?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: *after leaving a short pause so I won’t talk over her if she starts giving the number right away* “And what is your order number?”

Caller: *no reply*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Caller: *no reply*

Me: “Are you still there, [Caller]?”

Caller: “I’m still here.”

Me: “May I have the order number, please, ma’am?”

Caller: “Oh, I thought you were waiting for something.”

(This is a story I overheard at work, where I sit right next to the people who answer the phones regarding questions about the website and insurance policies. Sometimes you hear some great stories when they recount to each other what just happened in their headset. Please note that some insurance policy questions can be answered with basic information like your policy number while other questions require permission from the policyholder for my coworkers to speak with anyone else.)

Coworker: “Hello, thank you for calling [Insurance Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: *obviously a woman talking in a low voice to sound like a man* “Yes, hello. I am calling about my insurance policy. I am going to hand the phone over to my wife now, so please talk to her. She’s coming over right now.”

Coworker: “…Okay?”

(There are a bunch of noises like someone rubbing the phone on their clothes or otherwise make ruffling noises. Then there are some footsteps that just sound like someone stomping in place before the caller speaks again.)

Caller: *in a super girly voice* “Hello?”

(Apparently didn’t have any questions that required permission from the husband, so my coworker never got to call her out on it and the rest of the call went normally. I wonder if she hung up feeling really good about fooling us.)

(I live with my grandmother as she has problems moving around. Since I moved in with her, I have added Internet access on top of her normal cable box. However, I have noticed that the Internet randomly drops connection and stays disconnected for a few minutes. I call up the Internet company and notice that it is under my grandfather’s name first. He passed away ten years ago.)

Internet Rep: “Am I speaking to [Grandfather]?”

Me: “No, I’m his grandson. He passed away ten years ago. I can put my grandmother on the line as she is also on the account.”

Internet Rep: “I’m sorry, but unless he talks to me I can’t continue this conversation. He is the name on the account.”

Me: “I don’t understand; she is also on the account, so she can help out.”

Internet Rep: “He is on the account. I can’t continue unless he talks with me.”

(I decide to try something stupid and tell him to hold on.)

Me: *with the same voice* “Hello, this is [Grandfather].”

Internet Rep: “Ah, thank you. Now we can begin your fix. What is the problem?”

(I couldn’t believe that worked. In fact, I just found it easier to say I’m my grandfather when talking with the companies. I asked how to remove his name from the account during another conversation, but I needed a four certified copies of his death certificate!)