Me: “Thank you for calling *** business customer service. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Where y’all at, India?!”

Me: “No sir, I’m in Maine.”

Customer: “Maine? Where the h***’s that?”

Me: “Northern New England, sir.”

Customer: “England, I thought you sounded funny.”

(Note I have a VERY slight New England accent and this guy sounded like a Southern good ol’ boy).

Me: “No, NEW England sir, northeastern United States.”

Customer: “Oh, up in Canada then! Well you done learned English pretty good I guess!”

Me: “…”

Related:
Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

Me: “Xbox 360 customer service, how may I help you?”

Client: “Yes, my Xbox 360 isn’t working, but it doesn’t have that red light thingy in the front. I DEMAND to know what is wrong with it!”

Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to be a little more specific. Is your power supply functioning properly?”

Client: “Of course it is, do I sound stupid to you?”

Me: “No sir… can I get your console number?”

Client: “On the bottom of the disk drive?”

Me: “No, its not–”

Client: “OHHH, I found the problem, there was some baloney in the disk drive…” *click*

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Wireless. May I have the 10 digit number you’re calling about today?”

Customer: “Yes, can you spell thousand for me?”

Me: “… excuse me?”

Customer: “Can you spell thousand?”

Me: “Um, sure. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

Customer: “T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

Me: “Yes that’s correct…”

Customer: “Okay, thank you. Can you spell fifteen?”

Me: “Um, excuse me–”

Customer: “Can you spell fifteen?”

Me: “F-I-F-T-E-E-N.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you!” *click*

Me: ???

(I work in the Asset Management Department for a provider of loans and mortgages. It means that I have to try over the phone to get money out of people who haven’t made their monthly payments in ages.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, is that Richard White?”

Customer: “Yeah, who’s this?”

Me: “Hello Richard, this is Maria calling from *** Finance. I just need to ask you some security questions before I proceed: could you please give me your date of birth?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Oh yeah… it’s… um… 3rd of December… 19… 74.”

(This is a completely different date of birth to what is on my screen.)

Me: “And you confirmed that you are Richard White?”

Customer: “No… my name’s… um… my name’s Tom.”

Me: “Tom?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Tom what?”

Customer: “Tom… Jones.”

Me: “But you just said you were Richard White.”

Customer: *hangs up*

Woman on phone: “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

Woman: “What’s that?”

Me: “The Department of Motor Vehicles.”

Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did.  What happened in that accident?”

Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

Me: “Right.”

Related:
Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

Me: “411 Information.”

Customer: “Wait a minute…”

*papers rustling around*

Customer: “I thought I had that here…”

*long pause, more rustling*

Customer: “Just a sec…”

*several seconds of silence*

Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”

*hangs up*

Me: “Thank you for calling *****. What is the issue you’re calling about?”

Customer: “I can’t get wi-fi on my phone!!!”

Me: “Okay, what does the phone say when you try to connect?”

Customer: “It asks me for a password, but I don’t know the password!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s the password you set when you first got your router.”

Customer: “Router? What the heck is a router?”

Me: “It’s the little box you have connected to your internet to enable wi-fi.”

Customer: “Why the heck would I have internet? I don’t even own a computer!”

Me: *sigh*

Related:
It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

(I was working for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

Me:  ”I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might ordered them?”

Lady:  ”No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

Me:  ”How old is your nephew?”

Lady:  ”He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

Me:  ”Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

Lady:  ”I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

Me:  ”I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… you have a really thick accent!”

Me: “I apologize, I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones, I can’t understand a word you said!”

Me: “Okay… so would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU…”

Me:  ”Oh, so now you understand my English.  Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

Lady:  ”Let me speak to a supervisor!”

Related:
A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is *****.”

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was DYING and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes–I mean–just make sure they call me today.” *click*

(Note: The cell phone provider I worked for does not have call centers outside of North America.They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

Me: “Thank you for calling C*** Wireless. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you sir. What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

Customer: “Where are you located?”

Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy middle eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

Customer: *click*