(A caller is upset that they are unable to rent a PPV movie. After explaining that they have exceeded their PPV limit — this is, of course, adult movie content…)

Customer: “Why can’t I rent a movie?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ve exceeded your credit limit.”

Customer: “How can I rent a movie?”

Me: “Well, you can pay off your balance, and then be cleared to rent a movie.”

Customer: “Okay, how do I pay it off?”

Me: “I can take a credit card or check payment over the phone.”

Customer: “Can’t you just erase a movie and I can watch a new one?”

Me: “No, sir, I can’t do that, but would be happy to take a payment over the phone.”

Customer: “Well, could you just describe the movies?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m not able to see the titles.”

(I absolutely can, and um, ew.)

Customer: “Would you describe the movies to me?”

(Really? When did that become my job?)

(This customer has had a nightmare signing up for services with the company we work for.)

Customer: “I can’t believe this. It’s been awful transferring to you. Everything has gone wrong! I really don’t need this at this time; my cousin has just died.”

Coworker: “I really am sorry to hear that, but don’t worry; I will try my best to get everything resolved!”

(Without missing a beat, and totally serious:)

Customer: “HOW CAN YOU RESOLVE IT? HE IS DEAD!”

(I work in the help and support team for the local government benefits system. I help customers with using their online accounts. We are a separate company and are NOT the Job Centre. If they do not access the account, their money could stop, so accessing and using the account is a MUST, and it is ALL ONLINE. We also have a certain time limit for customers due to an appointment system. I recognise this one particular customer as I am the one who helped her set up her account. I go through the process as normal.)

Me: “Welcome to help and support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I was told to come here by someone at the Job Centre. I have an appointment.”

Me: “Okay, so, today’s appointment is about using and accessing your online account. I will talk you through how to use the account and what each tab means. It’s pretty simple and there is also a handout for you to refer to at home.”

Customer: “Okay, fine.”

Me: “I understand we helped you set up your account here. Do you have your login credentials so I am able to gain access in order to help you?”

(The job centre are the ones with the background system for these accounts. We are only able to see what the customer can see on their account.)

Customer: “Why do you need my login details? They are private and are for me only.”

Me: *explains the situation about us and the job centre* “If I can’t gain access to your account, I can only provide you with general information about your account.”

Customer: “Okay, here are my login details.”

Me: *turns my screen around so the customer is able to see me logging into the account on the computer* “Okay, so this is what your account looks like…”

Customer: *has been really quiet until now* “I DON’T USE COMPUTERS AND NEVER HAVE DONE. I ONLY CAME BECAUSE I WAS TOLD TO OR YOU OR YOU STOP MY MONEY!”

(We don’t deal with payments, the job centre does.)

Me: “Okay, I understand your frustration; however, the job centre has now created online accounts which you need to access to get your money. We didn’t make up this rule. We are a separate help team, and appointments with us will not affect your money.”

Customer: “Okay. Then why have they sent me here?”

(I explain the situation yet again. This goes on for about 45 minutes which is now WAY over the time limit for such a simple appointment, but I am still determined to help this customer.)

Me: “Okay, well, do you have any device with Internet access? A tablet, iPad, smartphone, or anything like that?”

Customer: “No, I only have the phone my son bought me for my birthday.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Can I have a look at your phone so I can help you access your account on there, instead, if you are more confident using the Internet on your phone? Do you also have email?”

(If they have an email address and check this frequently, then they MUST be able to access and use the Internet. This is one of the questions we ask to see if we can get a clue about Internet usage.)

Customer: “No, it’s just a simple phone my son bought me. I don’t know if it’s a smartphone.”

(She is also reluctant to just show me her phone. I would help her access the account on there as we can show customers on devices they are comfortable using. We also have Wi-Fi. Again, we are going around in circles, and it has been over an hour now. Eventually…)

Me: “If that is the case, I need to refer you a basic computer course if you are unable to use computers and don’t have Internet. This is not mandatory but would help you use your account.”

Customer: “Nope, don’t need one of those. Not interested.”

Me: “Okay, well, there isn’t much else I can help you with, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve just wasted my time.”

(Just as she is about to leave, she gets a call from her son who is waiting in the car. From the popular ringtone I can guess her phone. She pulls out an iPhone 8.)

Me: *face-palm*

(I work in a call center for an ad agency. Before we can go into the reasons for most calls, we must first verify that we’re speaking to the account holder, since some people aren’t above trying to sabotage business rivals. I pick up a call; the phone number calling in is associated with an account, so we’re already part of the way to verifying their identity!)

Caller: “Hello, I’m having some trouble with the account I just opened up last night, and I need to change some financial information on the account.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear. Let’s make sure we get the right account info. Can you verify the name on the account?”

(I start pulling up the full list of details we need for verification; it’s pretty common for new account holders to get stymied due to a typo in the password or account email. I don’t see anything jumping out about the email, so I quietly send a password reset request to the opening email address.)

Caller: “No. I don’t remember what I put down.”

Me: “Would you like to try?”

Caller: “No. Just fix it.”

Me: “We do need to verify the account before we can make any changes. Do you remember the answer to your secret question: what was the name of your first pet?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Can you give me a few of the names? We can try off of that.”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, do you remember the last four digits of the account you used to pay?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Are you willing to try a few?”

Caller: “No, I’m not giving you my credit card information. For all I know, you could be a scammer!”

Me: “You called our official line from our website, but okay. Do you remember the email address you used for the account? I just sent it a password reset. If you reset the password, you should be able to log in at that point and I can confirm I’m speaking to the right person.”

Caller: “I don’t remember the email I used! Look. Are you going to help me or not?”

Me: “I am doing my best, but I need to verify your identity as the account holder before we can make any changes to the account.”

Caller: “Look. This is simple. I want to make payments with [credit card not associated with the account], and I don’t want to hear any of this nonsense about security. I shouldn’t be telling you any of that anyway; it’s a secret!”

Me: “It’s to be kept secret from other people, but we need to know these details to verify identity. If you’re unable to do so, I’m afraid I must move on to other callers.”

Caller: “How dare you?! All I’m asking you to do is change the account payment information!”

Me: “Without proof of identity, that would be fraud.”

Caller: “I’m giving you my word!”

Me: “You refused to tell me your name. At this point, I’m afraid we’ve exhausted all other options. If you change your mind about verification, please do call in.”

(I disconnected and cancelled payments on the card as a courtesy, since the owner can add a card themselves at will once they log in. I later got back a scathing survey saying I was unhelpful, from the email associated with the account and signed by the owner of the account, two details which, combined with the phone number, would have been sufficient to change credit card information.)

(A customer has requested that I send her an authorization form.)

Me: “You can download the form from our website at [URL].”

Customer: “Oh, we’re godly people. We don’t believe in Internet.”