Me: “Hello, sir. I’m calling from [Insurance Group], where we have noticed that your current life insurance policy is out of date, or not written into a trust. Do you know if this is correct, or is our system wrong?”

Customer: “Yes, that is correct.”

Me: “Ah, well, I can fix that for you now if you’d like.”

Customer: “Ah, great!”

Me: “So, who is your current life insurance provider?”

Customer: “Ah, well, that’s a question for the ages, in fact… JESUS CHRIST IS MY LIFE INSURANCE!”

Me: “Ah, well, does Jesus Christ offer a free gym membership with his current policies?”

Customer: *hangs up*

(I work in reservations for hotels and properties, and we are supposed to ask for customers’ names and contact numbers. This lady calls in all nice.)

Customer: “Can I please see what you have available? I’m flying in from [Location].”

Me: “Sure, may I have a good number to contact you in case we get disconnected?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: *silence*

Customer: “Did you seriously just ask me, a customer, that? Did you honestly think that was a good question? In fact, are you new? I don’t know how long you were trained for, but you obviously need to go back because your trainer has done a poor job.”

Me: “I’m sorry? I don’t understand.”

Customer: “And that is exactly the problem. In fact, I really want to speak to your manager; you really do not need to be on the phones. I can’t believe you would actually say, ‘I’m sorry?’ to a customer. My five-year-old can express himself better.”

(I just asked this lady for her phone number.)

(Our company is multinational and, as such, we often get people in the office with different accents. Sometimes they are looking for specific people on the floor and they will approach an agent since people move around a lot.)

Agent: “Hi, I’m looking for Bin?”

Coworker: “Bin? Just a normal one? Or a secure one? They’re on the end of the row.” *gestures*

Agent: “Nah, nah, BIN. On the floor.”

(If you haven’t worked in a call centre, this is where everyone who doesn’t work in a specific office is,)

Coworker: “Oh, a fluid bin, for your coffee? There’s one in the kitchen; it’s just off the right.”

(He gets up and shows the agent, leading by his elbow, to the drinks bin, and, helpfully demonstrates how to dispose of coffee buy grabbing this man’s coffee, which happens to be completely full, pouring it slowly down the fluid repository and then placing the cup in one of the slots.)

Coworker: “See? Bin.”

Agent: “No, no, no, BIN [Last Name]! D’ya know where I can find BIN [Last Name]?!”

Coworker: *returns to his desk looking mortified* “So… he was saying BEN the whole time, right?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, the South African branch are visiting this week. Probably should have caught on to that. Sorry!”

(This entire exchange takes place over online chat.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I DON’T UNDERSTAND THESE ROBOT NUMBERS!”

(It is very common for people who are requesting one of our visitor guides online to struggle with the captcha.)

Me: “Are you trying to request a visitor guide?”

Customer: “YES!”

Me: “If you are having trouble putting your request through, I can enter it manually. I just need your name and address.”

Customer: *gives information, still in all caps*

Me: “Okay, I will process that and it should be out to you in seven to ten business days. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “WAIT! I WASN’T READY TO END CHAT!”

Me: “That is okay; I have not ended the chat yet.”

(Five minutes later with no other communication…)

Customer: “OKAY, I’M READY TO END THE CHAT NOW… BYE!”

(I don’t even know.)

This story is part of our crazy-online-shoppers roundup!

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(I have refused to refund a customer as he wanted us to price match about a month after purchasing some items.)

Customer: “If you are not going to price match for me, then I won’t shop here again.”

Me: “That is your choice. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I will be leaving reviews about your company, and they won’t be good.”

Me: “If you want to leave us a review, I can’t stop you.”

Customer: “I have 5000 friends on Facebook, you know. “

Me: “Good for you.”

Customer: “If I post bad s*** about this company, that’s 5000 customers you will never hear from.”

Me: “I can’t stop you leaving a review about your experience.”

Customer: “I also have over 15,000 followers on YouTube.”

(The customer pauses, I assume for effect.)

Me: “Congratulations.”

Customer: “Do you know how many people are going to watch it if I post a review on there?”

Me: “Quite a few, I should think. But they won’t help you get a refund.”

(The customer swore and hung up. We still haven’t found a YouTube video about our terrible refund policy.)