(My sophomore year physics teacher is very laid-back and has a great sense of humor. Today, however, the class clown has been very disruptive and is getting on his nerves.)
Teacher: “If [Clown] falls off a 50-foot cliff, when he hits the ground—”
Clown: *interrupts* “What if I bounce?”
Teacher: *flatly* “You don’t bounce. You splat.”
(I share a name with a few other girls in my grade.)
Girl #1: “Hey, [My Name]!”
Me and Girl #2: “Yeah?”
Girl #1: *staring me directly in the eyes* “It’s not you, you f****** attention w****. Why do you think it would ever be you? It’s always you! Just this once, it’s not you, and you can’t f****** deal with that, can you? You little b****, you just do whatever you want to do and grab whatever measly bits of attention you can scrounge up. Well, you know what? I don’t care. I truly don’t. You can go die in a hole, because it will never. Be. You.” *turns to [Girl #2]* “Anyway! [Classmate #1] is apparently dating [Classmate #2] now! Isn’t that fantastic?!”
Girl #2: “What the living f***, [Girl #1]?”
(I more or less walked away with my jaw on the ground. There’s gotta be a nicer way to tell a person you’re not talking to them.)
(An unused tampon has fallen out of someone’s backpack, and is now sitting on the floor. Most girls shuffle over it, but the guys jump away like it’s an unpinned grenade.)
Teacher: “Guys, go sit down!”
Guys: “There’s a tampon on the floor!”
Me: *picking it up* “It’s unused.”
Teacher: “Really, guys? Go sit.”
Guy #1: “Ew, you’re holding it?”
Girl #1: “That’s literally just a compressed cotton ball.”
Girl #2: “It hasn’t even touched a vagina.”
Teacher: “Can I see it?”
Guy #2: “This is f****** disgusting.”
Guy #3: “GROSS!”
Teacher: “Hey, [Girl #3], catch!”
(The girls in the classroom tossed it around before finally chucking it in the trash. The guys eventually sat down, and that teacher is still one of my favorites.)
(My wife has a love-hate relationship with ibuprofen: it makes her drowsy, but it’s also the only thing that soothes her menstrual cramps.)
Wife: “Ooh… cramps just kicked in. Ibuprofen up the wazoo.”
Me: “That seems less than ideal. I don’t think your body will absorb it properly if you put it up your wazoo.”
Wife: “Oh, my God. You’re ridiculous.”
Teenage Son: “I’ve got the song ‘Pompeii’ stuck in my head.”
Me: “But if you close your eyes…”
(Long pause:)
Teenage Son: “Great, now I’ve got the video for the song stuck in my head!”
