A customer has been arguing with me about an expired coupon for the past five minutes. He swears that he called just days ago and was told that he would still be able to use the coupon, but unsurprisingly, he is unable to remember what day he called, the name of the person he spoke with, or even if they sounded male or female. The coupon is over six weeks expired, so there’s no chance that I or any of my coworkers would have told him that we would still accept it. Finally, the customer plays what he obviously thinks will be his trump card.

Customer: “I know the owner of this store! I will call him right now and tell him how horribly you have treated me, and by tomorrow, you’ll be looking for a new job!”

Me: “Is that so? Have you known him for a long time?”

Customer: “I have! We went to high school together. I went to the prom with his sister!”

I turn to the owner who, unbeknownst to the customer, has been doing paperwork at the other end of the counter this entire time.

Me: “[Owner], you never told me that you have a sister. Or that you were transgender!”

Owner: “I didn’t? I guess it never came up.”

The customer stares at her for a moment, his face turning several shades of red. As he leaves in a hurry, we can’t keep from laughing any longer.

Owner: “I’m sorry about that. I should have spoken up sooner, but you seemed like you had the situation under control.”

Me: “I’m glad you didn’t. The look on his face was so worth it.”

I’m working at the front desk and am going through the check-in process with the guest. I authorize her credit card and have her fill out the paperwork. I give her the keys to her room.

Guest: “When can I check in?”

I work for a high-end retailer in the men’s tailored clothing area. I’m selling a customer a suit, which, naturally, has to be tailored to fit.

Me: “Your suit will be ready a week from today.”

Customer: “A week?! I need it in two days!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure if that’s possible, but let me call the alterations manager and see what we can do.”

Customer: “No, it has to be ready in two days. If I can’t have it in two days, the deal’s off. This is an emergency!”

I call the alterations manager, who isn’t known for her empathy, and beg, wheedle, and cajole, explaining that we really need to help this guy out and using up a favor with her. She finally agrees.

Me: “Okay, sir, we’ll have it ready the day after tomorrow at five pm.”

About three weeks later, the customer comes in.

Customer: “Hi, I have a suit to pick up.”

Me: “Oh, hi. I looked for you on [date the suit was completed]. We had your suit all ready for you.”

Customer: “Yeah, I just didn’t have a chance to stop by and pick it up.”

This happens distressingly often!

A customer I’ve come to remember as The Most Entitled Lady On Earth walks into our gift shop carrying a clear plastic container with food remnants in it. While we do have a trash can behind the counter, we try not to put food in it as it attracts mice. This trash can is not even visible to customers.

Customer: “Where do I throw this away?”

Manager: “There’s a trash can on the sidewalk, just outside the coffee shop next door.”

Customer: *Full of disdain* “I’m not walking that far.”

Then, she deposits her used food container on our counter for us to deal with. My manager and I exchange “Did she really just do that?” expressions. My manager has a kill-em-with-kindness approach to these situations.

Manager: *In an overly sweet customer service voice* “Would you like me to take that out to the trash can?”

The customer replies in a tone that suggests, “Finally, these peons are getting it.”

Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

My manager drops it off in the trash can, not more than fifteen feet outside our store’s front door. The customer browses for a bit, then, without an ounce of self-awareness, asks:

Customer: “So, how long does it take to walk to [Train Station that is roughly a thirty-five-minute walk from where we are]?”

I wish I had estimated for her how many trash cans she might pass on that thirty-five-minute walk.

A physics professor walks by, pushing a piece of equipment on a cart.

Me: “Hey, [Physics Professor], what’s that?”

Physics Professor: “Railgun.”

Me: “Uh… whoa. What class is that for?”

Physics Professor: “None. Just wanted a railgun.”

About half an hour later…

Biology Professor: “Hey, [My Name], do we still have that old dartboard? [Physics Professor] wants to borrow it for some reason.”

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