I have a close friend who is black move into my apartment. Shortly thereafter, I spend three weeks downstate for work-related purposes.

As I am making my way down the apartment hallway, I run into an elderly neighbor who is well known for stirring up trouble and constantly complaining. For instance, she once called the police on a trio of second-grade girls who were selling Girl Scout cookies door-to-door and apparently did not see or understand a posted “No Soliciting” sign.

Neighbor: “Does that black girl live in that apartment with you?”

Me: “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes — and yes, she is on the lease, so don’t even bother trying to report her because you’ll just be wasting your time.”

Neighbor: “Ho-ho-ho-ho! It’s worse than that! I don’t know where the h*** you’ve been, but that girl has been blasting rap music at all hours of the day, and there have been all kinds of people coming in and out of that apartment — day and night! I’ve already complained to the management, just to let you know!”

Me: *Cold stare* “Really.”

Neighbor: “She’s a rude little s***, too; twice I tried to talk to her when I saw her in the building, trying to ask if she lived there, and she just kept right on walking like she was too good to even look in my direction! Who the h*** does she think she is?”

Me: “Right. That’s because she’s hearing impaired. That’s not to mention she’s a painfully shy introvert who spends her time programming and blogging. So either there is some serious paranormal activity going on in our apartment, or you’re just itching for me to recruit the whole building to mob you out of your apartment — permanently.”

She stares at me for a minute and then starts walking into her apartment.

Neighbor: “I’m keeping my eye on her.”

Me: “I’m sure she’s flattered by all the attention.”

My coworker is working the front desk when the phone rings.

Coworker: “[Community] Library, this is [Coworker]; how can I help you?”

Patron: “Hi, I’m looking for books by a particular author. Do you have them?”

She gets the name of the author and searches our system, but no books by the author come up.

Patron: “Can you order them in?”

Coworker: “If they’re over a year old, we can interlibrary loan them. Let me just look up the publication dates for you.”

She goes online to look up the author… and discovers the author is some kind of white supremacist author whose books have such “charming” titles as “Kill All N*****s.” Seriously, almost every book has that slur in the title as well as some kind of violent act. Shaken but still determined to act professional, my coworker gets back on the line with the patron.

Coworker: “Okay, I’ve found the books. I don’t think we’re going to be able to order these in.”

Patron: “That’s okay. Can you read the titles out loud for me?”

Coworker: “Well… the first book is called ‘Kill All N-words’.”

Patron: “No, I want you to read out the whole title for me.”

My coworker drops professionalism and just hangs up on him. Our boss says she made the right call, but she is still frustrated and bewildered.

Coworker: “I dunno what he was even trying to accomplish! Was he recording the call and trying to get me to say something racist?”

Me: “I think you got a troll.”

A guy buys a small pot of ice cream.

Customer: “Do you have a spoon?”

Me: “There’s a plastic one in the lid, under the cardboard.”

He is pretty amazed by this, pulls it out happily, and says:

Customer: “Clever, these Chinese, aren’t they?”

He chuckled to himself as he walked out the door.

I’m a woman. My boyfriend and I recently bought a condo together. We were both very excited and eager to set up our new home. I stopped by the local chain hardware store for a new toolset. Before going inside, I did a quick web search on their store site. I found a moderately priced, heavy-duty set that I liked. The only problem was, I couldn’t find it anywhere in the store.

I stopped a young man (an assistant manager) about my age and asked if he might know where the toolset is.

Assistant Manager: “Let me get [Employee]; he’s been here a long time and knows where everything is.”

The manager called on the radio and a few moments later another older gentleman appeared. They spoke quickly and I showed the gentleman the picture of the set from their website. He said that he could find it, went off, and came back with the exact set! I was ecstatic and thanked them both. The manager left.

Employee: “There’s another set that you might be interested in. Would you like me to show you?”

I agreed and he led me a short distance to another display nearby. My heart sank as I looked at what he wanted to show me. The set that he had previously found for me — which I specifically asked for and that I still had in my hands — was a heavy-duty case made of durable plastic containing over fifty name-brand tools.

The set he led me to was not name-brand, cost half as much, had half as many tools — which looked very flimsy — and came exclusively in pink and purple cloth cases.

For a moment, I stood there in shock. I mean, I had shown him EXACTLY what I had wanted, the EXACT product on THEIR website. I had it IN MY HANDS. And instead of assuming that I knew what I wanted since I asked for it, he decided to show me… THAT?!

I muttered an excuse and quickly left to pay for the heavy-duty case. I should have said something, but I was honestly in shock. Sir, I hope you learn one day that when someone, male or female, asks for a specific item, they often know what they are looking for.

The tools work fantastic, by the way.

Related:
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 14
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 13
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 12
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 11
Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ovaries, Part 10

My husband decides to see a therapist to talk mostly about work burnout and how to deal with it. After their first meeting, he comes home looking extremely upset.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Husband: “I am never seeing that whack job again!”

Me: “Yikes! That bad? What happened?”

Husband: “We were going over what my home life is like and I told him you’ve been dealing with depression for almost your whole life… and he told me to get you pregnant so that you would be too busy to worry about yourself!”