CONTENT WARNING: Pet Cancer, Death

Our fluffy white cat, Mr. Blizzard, has been battling skin cancer for over six months. Due to his age, other health problems, and the aggressiveness of the cancer we’ve decided to keep him happy and comfortable for however long he has.

The bleeding tumor on his nose has grown large enough that it’s causing obvious pain and interfering with his breathing. We take him to the vet one Monday to discuss Final Arrangements and see if they can give him anything to make him more comfortable for a couple of days while we prepare to say the final goodbye. The great white floof gets a shot of something to help his pain, and we leave.

On Thursday, we return with our beloved cat for the last vet appointment. The staff all visit to say their goodbyes to our kitty boy, and there are tears in the vet’s eyes. He spent a lot of time there during his life, so the staff know and adore him. As we’re waiting for the sleeping drugs to take effect, the vet tells us how much they love our mini white lion.

Vet: “[Groomer] was really upset when we told him about Blizzard. He really loved the big guy. Remember when he was here for that major bowel surgery a few years ago? For the first day, he looked like he’d given up. I was worried we’d lose him. But then, [Groomer] declared, ‘Mr. Blizzard is not dying!’ and marched into the back. [Groomer] petted him and gave him a pep talk and spent a lot of time with him. Mr. Blizzard was perky and eating by the next day, ready to live.”

We’d never heard this story before. We knew the bowel issue nearly killed Mr. B but didn’t know how much extra effort had gone into caring for him. It was a sad day for everyone, but it helped to know just how loved our kitty boy was by everyone at the clinic. Mr. Blizzard crossed the rainbow bridge surrounded by his family and friends.

A woman comes in with her son who is maybe twelve years old.

Customer: “Excuse me. I just want to check if something would be all right. My son is on the spectrum, you see, and he doesn’t take to change too well.”

Me: “I think I understand.”

Customer: “Our old sofa is falling apart, and we need to change it. I’ve put it off as long as possible, but I am letting him choose our new sofa. I know it takes a few weeks to order a sofa, so we have to do this now. He’s going to need to sit on every single seat on every single sofa in the store. Will that be okay?”

Me: “Of course! We want to make sure all our customers leave here happy with their purchase!”

So, the mother takes her son around the store, and he does as she said he would. He literally tries every single seat, and he even makes little notes in a notebook about which ones he prefers. We are a large store, and we have almost seventy sofas spread over two large floors, so this takes them over two hours.

I go over to them as they’re nearing the end of their quest, and I speak directly to the boy.

Me: “So, what are the top contenders?”

Boy: “I have taken notes on the top seven so far. I have them all written down in my book, but I won’t know for sure until I spend my Switch time on them.”

Me: “Switch time?”

Customer: “He needs to play his Switch, his uh… Nintendo, to know for sure. He plays for an hour a day, and he always plays in his favorite spot, but we don’t need to do that here. We’ll decide out of these seven he’s chosen and we can go from there.”

Me: *Quietly, away from her son* “Ma’am, would you like him to play his games on the couch so he knows for sure?”

Customer: “That’s very kind of you, but you don’t understand. He wouldn’t be testing it for five minutes or so. He has exactly one hour of screen time, so he would test it for the entire hour. We wouldn’t be able to do all that today, and I wouldn’t want to take up space in your store for my son to just play his game.”

Me: “Ma’am, he wouldn’t just be playing his game, though, would he? We’d be doing all we could to ensure our customer is happy with the sofa that they go home with. Now, we might not be able to spend seven hours here testing each one, but maybe he could use his notes to narrow it down to one or two?”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Absolutely, ma’am.”

The mother relays the information to her son, who uses his extensive notes to narrow it down to two sofas. He then gets comfortable on one and starts playing on his Switch while the mother sits nearby and gets stuff done on her phone.

Near the end of this experiment, the store manager comes over to me and asks what’s going on, as they have been in the store for over five hours now and it looks like they’re just chilling on their devices. I explain, and the manager nods with approval and tells me to carry on.

An hour from closing time, the mother and the boy come up to me, and he reads from his notebook.

Boy: “I think we would like [Sofa Model] in [very precise configuration] in [specific upholstery], please.”

The mother nodded in agreement, and I got them started with ordering the sofa. The little boy left with his mother, talking excitedly about the new sofa, and the mother mouthed a huge “thank you” to me as they went.

That mother is so patient and understanding of her little boy, so the least I could do was offer the same patience and understanding for the few hours they were in the store.

This story is part of the Best-Feel-Good-Stories Of-2023 roundup!

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Continuing the great line of stories here about terrifying Scottish women, I am out shopping with my grandmother at the garden center to help her pick some nice plants for her garden.

My grandmother is a lovely woman to lovely people, but absolutely brutal to anyone who would cross her and those she loves. She once said to a classmate of her grandson who was bullying him for being gay that he was just jealous and that “his only chance of getting laid was to crawl up a chicken’s a*se and wait.” Do NOT p*ss her off.

We are looking at some plants that require less maintenance (as she is getting on in years, but like all Scottish women will outlive us all) and we overhear a customer ranting at a poor retail worker.

Customer: “No, you idiot! I told you I wanted succulents! Succulents! Stop wasting my time with these cactus!”

Clerk: “Sorry, sir, like I explained we don’t have any succulents in stock at the moment.”

Customer: “Then you’re useless as well as stupid, aren’t you?”

That’s it. Grandma has engaged.

Grandma: “Haud yer wheesht you f***in’ tube!” *Translation: “Shut up you f****** idiot!”*

Customer: “F*** off you old crone!”

Grandma: “I might not be an expert on cactuses, but I know a prick when I see one.”

The manager has arrived because of the commotion. The customer notices.

Customer: “Are you going to let her speak to me like that?!”

My manager takes one look at my grandmother and then back at the customer.

Manager: “Sir, I think I am going to let her speak however she wants.”

Customer: “Useless! The lot of you!”

The customer storms off and my manager turns to my grandmother.

Manager: “That was amazing madam! But for the record, the plural of cactus is cacti.”

Grandma just stares at the manager with the dead eyes of a great white shark.

Manager: “…cactuses can also work!”

Old Lady: “I’ll take three.”

Related:
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman
Tell Me You’re In Scotland Without Telling Me You’re In Scotland
Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown

A bunch of teens are buying concessions.

Teen #1: *Politely.* “Excuse me, miss. What’s in your popcorn?”

Before I can answer the other teens verbally pounce on him.

Teen #2: “Oh my god, how can you be so dumb!”

Teen #3: “It’s corn, you idiot!”

Me: “Well, yes, corn.”

Teen #2: “Ha! Told you!”

Me: “And sunflower oil…”

Teen #2: “Wait, what?”

Me: “…butter…”

Teen #2: “Wait, stop.”

Me: “…salt…”

Teen #2: “Stop! It’s just corn!”

Me: “…yellow artificial colors number five, which is called Tartrazine according to this list…”

The original teen, vindicated, turns back to me.

Teen #1: *Politely.* “Thank you, I’m not allergic to any of those. A large bucket, please!”

Me: “Of course! I’ll upgrade you to the refill bucket on the house for being so polite!”

Teen #2: “Can I get one too?”

I charged that little f***er full price.

I am a waitress walking up to a group of guys who have just been sat in my section.

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I’ll be your waitress this evening, what can I get you started with?”

Customer: “Yeah, can you start us off with one of the prettier waitresses? If I’m paying this place’s prices, I don’t want to be served by one of the ugly ones.”

Me: “And I don’t want to have to serve one of the uglier customers, and if I am getting the s***ty tips I usually get I want to serve one of the hotter ones.”

Customer: “That… that was actually pretty awesome.”

Me: “I know. Shall we get you started on drinks, and we’ll have none of the comments?”

They were perfectly behaved for the rest of the night, and I got a decent (if not amazing) tip!