(Instead of having a definite job role I am just expected to help out wherever the restaurant is short. On this day, I have been cleaning.)

Customer: “Excuse me, could you tell me where your toilets are?”

Me: “Just through there, sir. Just give me a moment to get the cleaning stuff out of there.”

(I clear the toilet and leave. On my way downstairs, I am asked to open the bar up for the customers. I change and do so.)

Same Customer: “Oh, weren’t you just upstairs?”

Me: “Yes, sir. Can I get you anything?”

Same Customer: *nervous look* “Uh, I’ll just have a coffee. I’m sitting over there…”

(After serving, I change again and start waiting tables.)

Me: “Hello again. Can I take your order?”

Same Customer: *upset* No… no… I think I’ll have to leave…”

Me: “Are you okay, sir?”

Same Customer: “I can’t eat in a place that employs CLONES! CLONES! CLONES EVERYWHERE!” *leaves*

(A sharplydressed man comes to the counter with a woman of his age and a five-year-old kid walking near them.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “Yes, can you tell me the price of those books, please?”

(He hands me a list, and I use it to calculate the total price of the books in question.)

Me: “Okay, the total comes to $242.14.”

Man: “Alright. Do you take debit cards?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Man: “Ten years ago, when I was a teen, we stole those books in your shop with my wife here as a student prank. Now that we both have a good job, we want to show my kid that you must fix your errors in life.”

(I stayed speechless for a good minute before taking his payment. If there’s a “Customer of the Month” award, this family takes the cake!)

Customer: “Can you tell me if this pair of pants is discounted?”

(I scan the pants.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but these are full price.”

Customer: “But that sign says, ‘40% Off Jackets and Vests’!” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Yes, I can see that.”

Customer: “Then these pants must be 40% off!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s 40% off jackets and vests.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Pants aren’t jackets nor vests.”

Customer: “Really?!” *walks away, perplexed*

(I have just brought a middle-aged couple back from a test drive. We are going over the price of the car.)

Me: “With your trade and money down, we’re looking at about $400 per month for the base model, and $440 per month fully-loaded.”

Husband: “But we only wanted to spend $500 to $550 or more per month!”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Wife: “Like he said, we’re looking to spend no more than $550.”

Me: “Well, yes. Even if you get the fully loaded model, it’s far under $500 per month.”

Husband: “NO! What part of ‘$500 per month’ don’t you understand?”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. I definitely think we can make the numbers work for you at $500 per month.”

Wife: “Much better. We’ll take it, then!”

(I am currently going through medical school and working at a nearby hardware store part-time to help pay the bills. As part of study, students have been given internships at various local hospitals. Note: New Zealanders pride themselves on their DIY skills.)

Customer: “Hey mate, I need some stuff to build a deck. Can ya help me find it?”

Me: “Certainly, what were you after?”

(As per our instruction, after recommending the tools and materials the customer would need, I am required to point out various safety gear as well. All has been going great so far…)

Me: “May I also recommend that you grab some safety glasses? They could save you a lot of trouble if things happen to go wrong.”

Customer: *suddenly hostile* “Look, mate, I don’t need any of this s***! I know how it needs to be done. Any real man does! If you were a real man, you’d know too. I ain’t paying for any s*** I don’t need!”

(He eventually leaves, but not before complaining to customer service about me. Three days later while working at the hospital as a medical student, I take the same customer’s history. The reason: he had a splinter lodged in the side of his eye. I wish I was making this up!)