(This occurs when I’m bringing desserts and coffee to a table with two customers—one middle-aged woman and one elderly woman.)

Me: “Here you go. Is there anything else I can get for you ladies?”

Middle-aged Customer: “An extra fork, please.”

Me: “I’ll get you one right away.”

(After I return with her fork…)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, but my coffee is far too strong.”

Middle-aged Customer: “…and old. I tried some, and it’s clearly been sitting for a long time.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about the strength, although I actually made that coffee after you ordered it. I can make you another less strong one if you’d like.”

Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I leave, make her a new coffee at half-strength, and come back to return it, at which point they’ve eaten all of their dessert.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Excuse me, but the mango cheesecake was far too sweet.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. The cheesecake is something they make in the kitchen, but I’ll certainly let them know for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Could I maybe get a discount on it, or have it for free because of that?”

Me: “Um… I can ask the chef for you, but I don’t think he’ll say yes, since you finished the whole thing.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Well, I didn’t mention this earlier, but my dinner was also too salty.”

Me: “Again, I can let them know, and ask about a discount, but you ate the whole thing, so I doubt I’ll be allowed to reduce the price for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “The scallops in it were mushy, too!”

Me: “Well, they were breaded scallops and the dish you ordered was very saucy. It’s unfortunately unavoidable that they’d get somewhat soft from the sauce. Again, I can talk to the kitchen for you, but I doubt there’ll be any result.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Hmm…” *to the elderly customer* “Did we order any appetizers?”

Elderly Customer: “The appetizer was delicious, you said so yourself. Now stop trying to get freebies and let the poor girl go do her job. There are other people at other tables that you’re keeping her from helping by holding her here with all your complaints.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Fine! That’s everything. Just bring us the bill.”

(As I leave to go to the kitchen and deliver her complaints, I hear the elderly customer berating the middle-aged one.)

Elderly Customer: “Shame on you, a grown woman! I didn’t raise you to be a greedyguts!”

(I’m a waitress at a popular franchise, and we are unexpectedly busy for a Monday night. I’m serving an elderly couple their drinks.)

Me: “Here you go: I have an iced tea and a water!”

Old Man: “Oh, I know you! We had you last time.”

(The couple is an older couple, maybe in their sixties or seventies. I don’t recognize them, but I’ve been working at this location for a couple of years, so I’ve met an awful lot of people.)

Me: “Oh, you did? Well, it’s great to see you back, then!”

Old Man: “Yes, I recognize you, because there aren’t a lot of people that cheerful.”

Me: *grins* “Yeah, I’m usually pretty happy.”

Old Man: “That, or you’re on some seriously good s***!”

Me: *busts out laughing*

(Two younger teens are hanging out near the specialty store where I work.)

Young Teen #1: “Aw man, these pants are f***ing sweet!”

Young Teen #2: “S***, I know! I love this f***ing store!”

(The swearing and vulgar language keeps up for a while as families enter the store. A lady walks in with her young boy who can’t be older than three or four. He stands near the young teens and listens to their foul language for a while. Suddenly, he marches up to them with his hands in his little pockets, unimpressed.)

Little Boy: “HEY! I’m here! I can hear you! Don’t talk like that!”

Young Teens: *look dumbfounded and leave the store*

This story is part of the Swearing roundup!

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(Note: our hot dogs come with chili and coleslaw on them, and customers frequently ask for them without one or the other.)

Customer: “I’ll have a hot dog with cheddar cheese and no meat.”

Me: “Sure. Do you still want the coleslaw?”

Customer: “Yes, and be sure to toast the bun.”

(I put her order in, and return a short time later with a hot dog in a toasted bun with cheese and coleslaw.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I asked for no meat. This has meat on it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you meant you didn’t want the chili. Could you explain to me what it is you’d like?”

Customer: “Well, I said no meat! Take the hot dog out!”

Me: “Okay, so just to be clear: you want a toasted hot dog bun with cheese and coleslaw… but no hot dog?”

Customer: “Yes! Is that so hard?”

Me: “I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding. Would you like me to bring you a grilled cheese sandwich with coleslaw in it? It would be less expensive.”

Customer: “I specifically asked for a hot dog. A grilled cheese is not a hot dog!”

(Our store has recently put in a computerized ticketing system that shows us the numbers customers have taken. It also allows customers to place an order at a kiosk and pick it up later. The only difference to a customer coming up to the counter is the placement of the tickets, and that they now have to press a button instead of pushing a lever.)

Customer: “Why did you have to change the ticket system? It was fine the way it was!”

Coworker: “I don’t know, ma’am. They don’t tell us.”

Customer: “Yeah, well, they shouldn’t fix what isn’t broken.”

Coworker: “They just wanted the new technology, I think, so people can place orders at the kiosk now.”

Customer: “But if we want things a specific way, the kiosk is useless!”

Me: “That’s true. However, some customers like the convenience of it, especially for short trips to the store.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t use it, so it’s useless!”