(I run all the returned check chargebacks for my company — anywhere from 500 to 1000 per week. I’ve been doing this for about eight months now and pretty much know what I’m doing backwards and forwards. About a third of the bad checks we get are fraud, a third are legitimate customers who just don’t want to pay their bills, and a third are customers who make mistakes with their checkbooks and are embarrassed and eager to pay off their debts immediately. That last group, I like. One day, I get a call from a man who belongs in the last group.)

Caller: “I don’t understand why I have a bad check. I have a special deal with my bank, that I pay extra each month and they cover my checks if I bounce. I can’t bounce checks.”

Me: “Well, sir, your check didn’t come back as ‘insufficient funds.’ It came back as ‘account closed.’ Is it possible that you wrote the check from an old check book?”

Caller: “Absolutely not. It’s not possible. I haven’t changed banks in years. This is unbelievable. I don’t understand why this is happening.”

Me: “Like I said, sir, this isn’t an insufficient funds check. The account is closed, and that’s why the check was returned.”

Caller: “But I can’t have a bounced check!”

(This goes on for another few minutes.)

Me: “Sir, could you take out your checkbook, and let me read to you the MICR information we have on this check to see if there’s a discrepancy?”

Caller: “I don’t see why there would be.”

Me: “Just humor me for a moment… 1-0-0-0—” *provides the rest of the MICR numbers*

Caller: “No, there’s supposed to be four zeros. Oh, I know what happened. I ran out of checks, so I went into my safe and got an old check-book from an account that I closed a few years back. I’ll go down to the store and pay today.”

(I’m serving behind the register when a woman approaches the till with her shopping, complaining the entire time about our air conditioning — how it’s too cold, blowing her hair all over the place, etc. I explain to her the reason why the store has its temperature so low — the building is largely made of glass and the heat generated spoils the food — and the transaction finishes. I begin to serve my next customer when the woman stands DIRECTLY UNDER the air conditioning unit, blocking the entrance to the store, and yells:)

Customer: “You know, when you stand under here, it blows straight up your nose and it’s just awful. Awful!”

Me: *my patience is running incredibly thin* “Yeah, well, we have to stand under it for hours on end, so…”

Customer: *points at our automatic door* “You should have this open all the time now; it’s a beautiful day outside and you don’t need it closed all the time. Then, when this door is open you can take all of this mess out.” *points at the air conditioning unit’s metal pipes* “And it won’t blow up people’s noses anymore.” *leaves store*

Me: “…!”

Other Customer: “Oh, my God. Did that just happen?”

(I work for a fairly large Internet company who provides free emails addresses for our customers. In customer service, we can only change the email password, nothing else. Tech support actually troubleshoots.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling customer service and billing. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I forgot my email password.”

Me: “No problem. Let me secure your account with your username and I’ll give you a temporary password… Okay, so, I’ve got your temp password set up; go ahead and try to log on.”

Customer: “It’s still not working; this is a scam!”

Me: “Go ahead and tell me what the page is showing, and we’ll go from there.”

(Our customer reads off a fairly common system error, which usually happens after his account has been locked out for quite some time. It just needs a simple reset, but only tech support can put in that order. I explain this to the customer.)

Customer: “Well, this is just bulls***! Get me your supervisor. Even better yet, get me my bill for free!”

Me: “Sir, I know this is frustrating, but this will be solved in five minutes if we get you in the correct hands. I can’t credit off your bill, because your free service has been down only because you forgot your password. Tech support will finish what I started with you, okay? I’ll even stay on the line until the issue is resolved.”

Customer: “And you’ll credit my bill?”

Me: “No, I cannot credit your bill.”

Customer: “But it’s only $220 dollars, and today’s my only day off. Your supervisor will credit my bill! Get him on the line!”

Me: “No, we cannot credit for your free service being temporarily down. We cannot credit for inconvenience. We’re a big center, sir; waiting to speak to my supervisor will be approximately a 45-minute wait, and he’ll only reiterate what I said just now. I’m connecting us with tech support. In five minutes, you’ll be on with your day.”

(I called tech and the first thing the customer screamed was, “That b**** in billing didn’t apply my 300-dollar credit!” while I was still on the line. As promised, his email was up in minutes. He’ll never get that credit.)

(I’m at the public library. A librarian is approached by a female patron.)

Patron: “Do you guys carry Playboy or Penthouse magazines?”

Librarian: “No.”

Patron: “Well, there are a bunch of them in the back under a table.”

Librarian: “Okay, I’ll go take a look in a minute. Thank you.”

Patron: “You should get back there, because some kids could see them!”

(The librarian walked back to the area that the patron pointed out and surprisingly saw a few magazines. However, they were all copies of the magazine, “Town and Country.” The issue in question had a cover featuring a female celebrity in a modest dress.)

(I work in a Christian bookstore. We don’t have a dedicated lunchroom. All staff use a table and chairs which are set up behind the store, in front of the shipping container we use as storage. [Coworker #1] and  [Coworker #2] are both male and I am female. Both coworkers rush inside laughing, looking shocked.)

Me: “What’s happening?”

Coworker #2: “You will not believe what is happening out there!”

Me: “What?!”

Coworker #1: “Okay, first of all, [Coworker #2] and I were out there eating lunch. Nothing special. And I looked up to that tall building on the corner. There were people pressed against the glass, looking down our way! One even had binoculars! I thought, ‘What’s so interesting about a black man and a white man eating lunch?!’”

Coworker #2: “He’s not kidding! It was nuts! I thought, ‘What the h*** could they be looking at?’ So, I looked over my shoulder and leaned my chair back a bit to take a look behind the container.”

(Both coworkers start giggling again.)

Me: “And? What?!”

Coworker #2: “There are people back there. Having sex!”

(I gape at him in disbelief.)

Coworker #1: “He’s not kidding. They are having sex!”

Me: “I suddenly need to put this box here in the bin out back.”

(I walk out the back to put the item in the bin, glance over, and yes, there are people having sex on the very hard and sharp rocks between the storage container and the fence. I rush inside and wander in disbelief into the office.)

Me: *to the manager* “Um, [Manager]? There are people having sex behind the container.”

Manager: “What?!”

Me: “Seriously. [Coworker #1] and [Coworker #2] were out the back having lunch and just told me, and I saw for myself.”

(Our manager takes off out the back and I follow. She stops at the end of the container and just looks at them in disbelief.)

Manager: “I don’t think that’s very appropriate, do you?”

Sex-Man: “Yeah, probably, but we’re almost done.”

(The manager walks back inside, not quite knowing what to do. About two minutes later, they wander out from behind the store, wander INTO the store, browse for a while, and then leave.)

Me: *to the manager later* “I think we may have just won the ‘Crazy Work Story’ competition for all time.”