(I work for a company that manages gated townhome communities. Following is a telephone conversation between myself and a homeowner.)

Homeowner: “I want to paint my house a different color. What do I need to do?”

Me: “All you need to do is fill out and submit a Home Improvement Request form, which can be downloaded from our website, or…”

Homeowner: “I NEVER HEAR FROM YOU PEOPLE.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Homeowner: “I PAY YOU A LOT OF MONEY, AND YOU NEVER EMAIL ME ANYTHING.”

(The maintenance fees paid by homeowners go directly into the HOAs’ accounts, not to the management company. People don’t realize this, though, so when calling to complain, the first thing they do is remind us that they PAY A LOT OF MONEY.)

Me: “Actually, I send out monthly email updates to your entire community. Perhaps my emails have been getting caught in your spam filters?”

Homeowner: “NO. YOU NEVER EMAIL ME.”

Me: “Okay. Then let me look in my records to make sure we have the correct address for you.”

Homeowner: “YOU NEVER EMAIL ME.”

Me: “Is your email address—“ *reads off the address we have on file*

Homeowner: “No. That’s an old address.”

Me: “What’s your current email address?”

(She gives me her new address, and I update our records.)

Me: “Great. Now that I have your email, I will send you the Home Improvement Request form, and you can just fill it out and send it back to me.”

Homeowner: “I CALLED THIS MORNING, AND YOU NEVER CALLED ME BACK.”

Me: “Ma’am, I was out of the office this morning on property visits, but I am in the process of getting caught up on messages… which is why we’re talking now.”

Homeowner: “Oh.” *beat* “Thanks.” *click*

(But hey, at least she said thanks. That’s a first right there.)

(Part of the procedure each morning is to have an employee call in to a banker who is already in the branch before coming in. This morning, the banker sees an employee pull up and answers the phone when it rings, assuming it’s her. Keep in mind, we don’t open for at least another half an hour.)

Banker: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’M PISSED OFF!”

Banker: “Oh… What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

(The customer then goes on a tirade about how her son is travelling and has no money in his account, which is obviously the bank’s error. It becomes apparent that she does not have his account number, or even permission to access the information.)

Banker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t actually open until ten. Would you mind calling back then, and then we’ll see what we can do for you?”

Customer: “When is that, twenty minutes? Fine, I’ll call back.”

Banker: “Perfect!”

Customer: “NO, IT’S NOT F****** PERFECT!” *hang ups*

(She never called back.)

(I’m in line behind the customer, and this food place has a promotion that your burrito will be $5 plus tax if you buy a drink. Normally a regular burrito is $8.95 plus tax.)

Employee: “What drink would you like?”

Customer: “I don’t want a drink.”

Employee: “It’s the regular price if you don’t buy a drink.”

Customer: “That’s okay. I just want a burrito.”

Employee: “That’ll be $10.11.”

(The customer paid and left. If she’d bought the drink it would have been $8.99.)

(On my first day working at a well-known department store, I am put on the floor with another coworker for training. It is a very slow day and my coworker is telling me about how the managers will do anything to make their customers happy, even if it means breaking a policy. As we were talking, an older woman comes up to us and glares at us.)

Customer: “I have a return. I am unsatisfied with this purchase and will be contacting the BBB.”

Coworker: “I am sorry to hear that, but I will be happy to assist you.”

(The woman literally takes the bracelet she is wearing off her arm and throws it on the counter. My coworker looks at the bracelet and back at her.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, you just took that bracelet off your arm with no price tag on it, and we don’t sell that brand.”

Customer: “I don’t care. Just do your job and give me my money back.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is no price tag on the bracelet, you obviously have no receipt, and we don’t even sell [Brand], so there is no way you could’ve bought it here. I cannot process this return.”

Customer: “You will do the return. I don’t care if I bought it here or not; just give me my money or I will tell everyone I know that your company is made up of nothing but thieves.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept this return.”

Customer: *screaming at the top of her voice* “Get me your manager now!”

(My coworker sighs and picks up the phone to call my manager on duty. He comes down to the register and my coworker explains the situation. He picks up the bracelet and examines it. Then, to my shock, he goes into the register, finds a bracelet that is similar to the one the woman tried returning, and prints out a slip and hands it to my coworker.)

Manager: “Ring it up under this barcode and process the return. How did you pay for the bracelet, ma’am?”

Customer: *very smugly* “Cash.”

(My coworker processes the return and to my surprise, when it comes to choosing the type of refund, my manager hits the cash option.)

Manager: “Your refund total is $80.95. I am so sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am, and I hope you shop with us again soon.”

Customer: *excitedly* “$80.95? I only paid $15 dollars for it!”

(The customer and my manager left, and I turned to my coworker, who was just as appalled as I was.)

Me: “Did he really just gave her that much money back for an item she didn’t even buy here?”

Coworker: *sighs* “Welcome to [Department Store]!”

(I ended up quitting that day.)

I work at a store that sells appliances.

A customer comes in. As all of our salespeople are busy with other customers, our manager walks over to help him.

This customer comes in often to check if the $400 hood fan he wants has gone on 50% off yet.

After spending almost an hour in our store, he leaves. The manager comes to my desk and tells me that this customer has seen every sales staff member in our store for the past five years asking the same question and never buys. Of course, with our inflating market, the price has gone up over the years and has not gone on sale. This time he was also inquiring about a high-end fridge known for starting at $5000, thinking he could get a deal on it.

Nice try!