It’s a Monday morning, and I’m woken up by my ringing phone. The caller ID says it’s my friend, so I grab it to answer.

Me: “What?”

Friend: “Best friend! Thank God you answered. I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday!”

Me: “What’s up?”

Friend: “I think my [Money App] got hacked. [Her Ex] has a bunch of charges on his account in my name from it, but they’re not mine! He’s at his bank trying to sort it out and wants to file a police report for it, but I told him not to! If work gets wind of this, even though I didn’t do it, I’ll be fired! I handle money; if they think I’m in trouble for theft like this, I’ll be on the streets! You work for a bank; what do I do?!”

Me: “Okay. You were probably involved in a data breach. Change your password.”

Friend: “I did!”

Me: “Contact this app and see if you can get an idea of where the money was spent and where the charges originated. That will help alleviate worries that you did it if the IP was too far away to have been you.”

Friend: “Okay! I will! God, this is awful. I never even got that debit card.”

Me: “Wait, wait, wait, back up. ‘Debit card’? This isn’t some app like [Popular Cash App]?”

Friend: “No, it’s like online banking and stuff. I ordered a card and never got it.”

Me: “Okay. You’re f****** stupid is what you are. Report that card stolen; you should have done that when you didn’t get it the first time. Figure out where the charges were done, like, X amount of money spent at [Big Box Store], Y amount of money spent at [Local Gas Station]. Go talk to the managers of those places and see if you can get security footage of the person using it. Or just file the police report as your card being stolen. That’s best, actually; do that instead. You won’t get in trouble if it’s a stolen card; you’re fine.”

Friend: “Oh! Okay. I was thinking maybe I should do that, but I wanted your input on it. I ordered a new card from them.”

Me: “If it’s not here by Friday, call them like you should have last time.”

Friend: “Okay, will do. I’ve been worried sick! I tried calling you yesterday, but I couldn’t get through!”

Me: “I work six days a week; if you’re having a crisis on my one day off, that’s between you and God.”

This happened about a decade ago while I was still a university student. One day, on my drive home from campus, I passed by the bank my account is with as I did nearly every day. However, this time, I saw numerous police cars in the parking lot and figured something had gone down.

Sure enough, when I checked the news upon arriving home, I found that the bank had indeed been robbed. There was a silver lining, though; the culprit was arrested at his home only a short time later and all the money was recovered. And when I say, “a short time,” I mean it took police less than an hour to track the culprit back to his house, arrest him, and recover the stolen money.

How did they manage to track the criminal back to his house so quickly, you ask? Well, in this case, the bank robber was incredibly dumb. How dumb was he? Dumb enough to write the note to the teller on the back of one of his own personal checks — the ones containing his full name and home address. Not only that, but he only lived a short distance from the bank.

My husband is a mechanic. He is very good at his job; he is an honest man who will be truthful about what is wrong with your car and how to fix it. He is also very knowledgeable about what he does and will not overcharge or cheat people in any way. Due to this, his shop is always busy with a steady stream of customers.  

Unfortunately, he does get his share of problem customers. This one in particular stands out even among the worst of the others.

[Customer] starts communication with [Husband] via telephone and asks about a price quote for an engine swap. A price quote is given. Then, there’s silence for a few weeks.

[Customer] calls again, and again asks for the price of an engine swap. When he is given the same price quote, [Customer] then starts to inquire about a head gasket replacement service.

Husband: “That would be [new price quote].”

Customer: “Why does it cost so much?!”

[Husband] explains in detail what is included in the service. He also explains that if the car engine has already overheated, it is recommended to swap the engine. Overheating of the engine can cause the components of the engine block to warp and cause damage.

[Customer] drops off his car and makes it clear that he wants a head gasket replacement service. [Husband] completes the service and the customer picks up his vehicle.

Two days later, the car is returned to the shop via tow truck (paid by [Husband]). It is leaking oil badly. Upon inspection, a hole is discovered in the engine block. The components of the block have warped and caused damage. There are also other visual signs of the engine block having been previously overheated.

[Husband] calls [Customer] to give him the diagnosis of the engine. [Customer] is very angry.

Customer: “Why wasn’t this fixed when my car was in?”

Husband: “The car was dropped off for a head gasket replacement service. In this type of service, the block is not removed and inspected as the engine is not being rebuilt.”

Customer: “My engine block problems are your fault! Something must have happened in the shop that caused the warping and the hole!”

After a lengthy conversation, filled with accusations, [Husband] encourages [Customer] to take his car to the dealership for a second opinion.

Husband: “Those mechanics can diagnose the engine damage, and you’ll see that the damage did not happen in my shop. They can also critique the professional head gasket replacement service I did, and you will see that the job was done professionally and completely.”

[Customer] refuses all encouragement to get a second opinion and strongly insists that [Husband] is to blame for his engine block issues. When [Husband] will not fix the engine block for free, [Customer] files a complaint against my husband’s shop with the state’s Attorney General.

He states in the complaint that he dropped his car off for a head gasket replacement service. Two days later, the engine block became damaged, and [Husband] is refusing to take responsibility for the block damage. [Customer] files this complaint while storing his vehicle for free at [Husband]’s shop. The customer never complains at all about the actual head gasket service [Husband] completed.

After our written response is received by the Attorney General’s office, the complaint is quickly closed without investigation into my husband’s shop. The customer finally picks up his car after a month of free storage.

[Customer] then calls his bank and brings a dispute against [Husband] via [Payment Service] which we use. His new accusation to get the money returned? “Goods or Services not as described.” This is a complete lie, as he was told in detail prior to the service what was included.

The dispute is still open. To prove [Customer] is lying, we have provided all of [Customer]’s original complaints against us and our written response. Both are signed under perjury of law to be truthful and accurate.

[Payment Service] has pulled the payment from our account and is holding it while they investigate [Customer]’s claim of “Goods or services not as described.” We are still waiting to see if the banks will see the truth in this situation, or if [Customer] will win and have his money returned to him.

A customer is trying to buy the latest iPhone on a credit card, but it keeps declining. They look like they’re in their early to mid-twenties.

Customer: “This is so stupid! I know there is money on there!”

Me: “Maybe you can call your bank and see if there’s an issue?”

The customer is aggravated but nods. He stands to the side but isn’t letting other customers through, so they have to awkwardly squeeze past while he shouts on the phone.

Customer: “Yeah, my card is being weird.”

Pause.

Customer: “But there’s money on it!”

Pause.

Customer: “The new iPhone! I told you I needed it!”

Pause.

Customer: “What?! Unlock it now! I need it! I need it!”

Pause.

Customer: “But Moooooooom!”

Pause.

Customer: “Dad will get me the phone if you won’t.”

Pause.

Customer: “That’s what I thought.”

He hangs up and starts talking over the customer I am currently serving like they’re not even there.

Customer: “It should work now. Swipe it.”

I respond diplomatically, as I finish with the current customer.

Me: “So, sorted the problem with the bank?”

Customer: “Yeah. If one bank says no, the other will always say yes.”

The man-child got his new iPhone.

I am working as a teller at a bank in the drive-thru lanes. A lady pulls in too closely and hits the bright yellow concrete barrier post. She then reverses, goes around the lanes, and comes into the bank swearing and cussing.

Customer: “Your pole hit my car! I want money to pay for repairs put into my account immediately!”

Manager: “I don’t think that’s how that works.“