Me: “Hi, how can I help you today, ma’am?”

Lady: “Hi, yes. I’d like to get a bottle of wine for my neighbor.”

Me: “All right, what kind?”

Lady: “Kind?”

Me: “Yes, red or white?”

Lady: “Oh, there are two kinds?”

Me: “Well, there are more than two, but those are general groups.”

Lady: “Oh, well, he’s Italian… I think… so we’ll go with Italian.”

Me: “All right, a red or a white Italian?”

Lady: “Well, he’s kind of tan, but I guess white.”

Me: “Um… not your neighbor. The wine, ma’am?”

Lady: “Oh… the Italian wines have groups, too? I guess one of each…”

(This was just the beginning, as I had to describe the fact that there are numerous red and white wine varieties. You can imagine how that went.)

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(This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Manufacturer]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

(We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants: a large carat, high-grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

(At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

(I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

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(At our store, we sell mostly tool related items. At the time, I worked in the welding section and was letting a customer try out a few welding tools. He was trying a MIG welder, which requires you to be quite close to the work.)

Customer: “Why isn’t this working?” (Holds torch about three feet from work.)

Me: “Well, you have to hold it about an inch away from the work for it to work.”

Customer: “Why isn’t it working?” (He has it about a foot away now.)

Me: “Closer…”

Customer: (Six inches.)

Me: “Closer…”

Customer: (Three inches.)

Me: “Closer…”

Customer: “Why isn’t it working!” (He has just welded the torch to the work.)

Me: “Not that close!”

(This goes on for a good 20 minutes, even after I ran a beautiful bead for him at the right distance.)

(A man walks in and is very excited about getting a cheesesteak.)

Customer: “Let me get everything on that, but no tomatoes!”

Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t come with tomatoes.”

Customer: “Good! No tomatoes though, man. Absolutely no tomatoes! I’m allergic to tomatoes, man.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

Customer: “Good. Just make sure there are no tomatoes ’cause I’m really allergic to them and I could die. If you put tomatoes on there it will kill me!”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Now let me get extra ketchup.”

Me: “…”

Editor’s note: Not Always Right is aware that it is possible to be allergic to raw tomatoes and not be allergic to ketchup. This story remains available due to the humor found in the ironic punchline. It is not intended to be used as the basis for allergen advice.

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(A customer comes in to a video game store, obviously angry.)

Customer: “Hello, I’m here to return these two games.”

(Hands me the two games and the receipt.)

Customer: “For this game, I want my money back; for this DS game, I want a different game. It’s the same price so I don’t have to pay the difference.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I scan the receipt and fill out the return information.)

Me: “Ma’am, your total will be $19.56.”

Customer: “What?! Why is it going to be so much if it’s the same price as the other DS game?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you got this game for free.”

Customer: “If I would’ve paid for it, it would have been the same price so I don’t owe nothing!”

Me: “You didn’t pay anything for this game, so you won’t get anything back.”

Customer: “But if I would’ve paid for it, it would’ve been the same price. Let me speak to your manager.”

(I call my manager.)

Manager: “Well ma’am, as my employee was saying, you didn’t pay anything for this game. Therefore, you will not get your money back for something you didn’t pay for.”

Customer: “But if I would’ve paid for it–”

Manager: “You paid nothing for this game.”

Customer: “But if I would’ve paid–”

Manager: “Get out of my store.”

Customer: *walks out in a huff*

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