When I started working at a hotel, I made a point to familiarize myself with our website so I would know what was there and what was not, how to do things, and where things were located. It’s much easier to debunk ridiculous claims when I know exactly how our website works. “But it didn’t say that online!” Yes, sir, it did, right here.

And let me just tell you, I get more than enough practice because people are dumb.

[Guest] gives me a call while he’s on speakerphone. His wife is in the room. They’re both b****ing at me. He starts his rant by saying:

Guest: “I went on your website to book a room, I put in all of my payment information, and then when I clicked the button to pay, your site redirected me to a third-party site and charged me an extra $50!”

Oh, for f***’s sake. What would be the point of our website redirecting someone to another site that takes half the money for themselves and only gives the hotel a tiny bit of it?

Me: “Sir, our website doesn’t redirect to any third-party website. It doesn’t even advertise or link to a third-party website.”

Guest: “So, what you’re saying is that you’re committing fraud?!”

Me: “I— Wha— Fraud for what? What exactly do you think is fraudulent here?”

Yeah, I am pissed.

Guest: “I told you I put in my payment information and it redirected me to a third party and charged me $50 more than I agreed to pay. And now you’re lying telling me your site doesn’t do that. That’s fraud. So what, should I call the police now?”

Oh, please do. Call the police. Do it. I dare you.

Me: “And I told you that our site doesn’t work like that. What’s the name on your reservation?”

Guest: “This is fraud!”

Me: “Hey! I asked what name the reservation was under. I can’t tell you anything if I don’t see your reservation.”

He tells me, and I look it up. Sure enough, there it is: prepaid, nonrefundable, noncancelable. Third party. Of course. I look through the change log and routing history and tell him it was booked through [Online Travel Agency] from the start — not our site.

He wants me to cancel, and I tell him he needs to call [Online Travel Agency] to cancel.

Guest: “But we stay there all the time! My wife and I have stayed there literally hundreds of times, and we always book direct!”

And because I’m petty, I later searched for him in our system, clear back to when the hotel first opened. Do you know how many times he’s stayed at our hotel? Hm? Five times. Five times since it opened over six years ago. And three of those five reservations were booked through a third party.

Me: “Okay, well, when you book through a third party, you’re not our customer. You need to call [Online Travel Agency] and ask them about this.”

Guest: “But it was your site that did this!”

Me: “Look, here, I’ll go through the entire booking process on our website just to show that it doesn’t redirect anywhere.”

I start doing that, and he and his wife are both still yelling at me at the same time. I lose it.

Me: “Hey! I told you I’d go through the process myself, but I can’t do anything if you’re both yelling at me.”

Guest: “Sorry, take your time.”

And he shuts up.

I go through the process. No redirects, no links to online travel agencies. I tell him as much, but he still insists he was using our website.

I ask him what the URL was on the website he used. And then I have to explain what a URL is because, apparently, that’s not common knowledge these days.

Guest: “It was [URL].”

Me: “Yeah, that’s not our website. Our website’s URL is [Official Website URL]. You were probably looking at the [Hotel] page on a third-party site.

Guest: “So, what am I supposed to do?”

Me: “Call the online travel agency. That’s all I can tell you.”

Guest: “Can’t you refund me?”

Me: “No, I don’t have your money or your payment information. You didn’t pay us; you paid the agency. That’s the bottom line. You need to call the company you booked it through because I can’t do anything here.”

He grumbled and hung up.

I am discussing something with my manager when one of our new starters, an eighteen-year-old man who started working here last month, interrupts us.

New Starter: “There’s a mistake in my paycheck. I didn’t agree to pay taxes.”

My manager and I stare at each other for a moment. Once we’ve confirmed that we did, in fact, both just hear what we thought we heard, my manager turns to him.

Manager: “What do you mean by not agreeing to pay taxes?”

New Starter: “I’d rather not do the whole tax thing, thanks. Do I need to opt out, or is there something I need to do?”

Manager: “You can’t just ‘opt out’ of taxes. If you’re a citizen of this country and you work, you pay taxes.”

New Starter: “But… I don’t want to.”

Manager: “Well, that’s unfortunate.”

New Starter: “But… it’s my money!”

Manager: “Well, it’s the government’s money now.”

New Starter: “No! I want it back! I didn’t agree to give the government my money!”

Manager: “If you work here, the taxes come out of your paycheck automatically. You agreed to that when you signed your contract to work here.”

New Starter: “No one reads all of that!”

Manager: “Be that as it may, you agreed to have a percentage of your paycheck be taxed. If you wanted to do your own taxes, you’d need to work for someone else who allows it or be self-employed. Outside of that, there’s nothing I can do.”

New Starter: “This is bulls***! I can’t be the only person who has complained about this!”

Manager: “Welcome to the real world, [New Starter]. The only constants are death and taxes.”

New Starter: “Wait… So, everyone pays tax? Like… every paycheck?”

Manager: “If they’re not, they’re breaking the law.”

New Starter: “This is bulls***!”

Manager: “How do you think the roads you drive on are maintained? Or the police get paid?”

New Starter: “Ugh! Well, I was against it before, but now I want to defund the police, too!”

He storms out.

Me: “Sadly, I’ve seen that happen when every person opens their paycheck in their first ‘grown-up job’.”

Manager: “They snoozed in history lessons at school about tossing that tea into the harbor, but as soon as they start working, they finally get it.”

Typically, I cook all the meals for myself and my wife. The exception is on Fridays when my wife has the day off, but I work at a different site and so get home relatively late. The normal routine is that on Fridays, my wife will go to the store to get food for the week and then cook dinner Friday night. I handle meals from Saturday through Thursday. 

My wife is about five months pregnant with our first child and is experiencing a bit of “pregnancy brain”. 

I am on my way home from work and call my wife once I hit the highway like I typically do. 

Me: “Hey, honey, how are you feeling?”

Wife: “A little tired, but mostly all good.”

Me: “Sounds good. Is there dinner at home, or were you too tired? I can stop somewhere on my way home if you like?”

Wife: “No need; there is dinner here. All good.” 

I finish my drive home and come into the house to find my wife on the couch snacking on some cookies and watching TV. 

Me: “Hey, love, did you already eat?” 

Wife: *Happily* “Yep, I already ate. Thanks for checking on me.” 

I figure maybe she just got hungry early and there are leftovers somewhere. I clean up, change out of work clothes, and then go looking through the fridge. Not only are there no leftovers, but there is nothing from our weekly grocery list, just some snacks and junk food.

I start trying to cobble together some version of a nutritious dinner out of snacks and non-perishables from the pantry when, suddenly, I hear from the other room:

Wife: “OH, S***! YOU NEED TO EAT, TOO! I FORGOT!”

Once we stopped laughing, I had my junk food dinner, and we decided it was probably time to go through the chore list and make some pregnancy adjustments.

Customer: “I got some stuff from my baby shower registry that I had with you guys. I got a bunch of stuff I don’t actually need, and a bunch of repeats, so I’m here to return it.”

Me: “Do you have receipts?”

Customer: “Duh! No, they were gifts!”

Me: “What’s the registry name?”

Customer: “So, here’s the thing. I never actually set up an official registry with you guys, I just made a list from your store.”

That would explain how she got some repeat gifts.

Me: “So, no registry and no receipt? If that’s the case, I can attempt an ID return for you.”

I run an ID (no-receipt) return for her. She’s already maxed out on what she can return without a receipt.

Me: “It looks like you’ve already returned two $200 car seats without a receipt at another location.”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “It means you’re maxed out for now.”

Customer: “That’s so awkward! Can I return it under your ID?”

Me: “Uh… no. I’m not comfortable doing that.”

Customer: “It’s not like it’s costing you anything!”

Me: “That’s technically fraud, ma’am.”

Customer: “Whatever. Just use my boyfriend’s ID. I got a picture of it on my phone.”

Me: “That won’t work either; he needs to be here.”

Customer: “You’re making this so awkward!”

Me: “Any chance you could ask your friends for a gift receipt?”

Customer: *High-pitched squeal* “tHaT’s So AwKwArD!”

Me: “Then I can’t help you unless you want to return for store credit.”

Customer: “Ugh! That’s so awkward. Why are you making this so awkward?”

Me: “I assure you it isn’t me doing it.”

She storms off in a huff. She is back a few hours later with her mother and her ID.

Customer: “Here, can I return this now?”

Customer’s Mother: “Wait. Didn’t I buy this gift for you and the baby?”

Customer: “…”

Customer’s Mother: “…”

Me: “…awkward.”

Me: “Thanks for calling [Pharmacy]. This is Technician [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Nurse: “I got a call yesterday, and I need to clear things up.”

She pauses.

Me: “Sure thing. What’s the patient’s name and date of birth?”

Nurse: “Are you going to let me finish?”

Me: *Shocked* “Yes, of course. I’m sorry, I thought you were done.”

Nurse: “Well, never mind. I’ll call back when you decide not to treat people this way. In the meantime, I’m going to report this conversation to the patient and tell him you delayed his medication by another day with your attitude.”

She hangs up.

A little while later:

Me: “Thanks for calling [Pharmacy]. This is Technician [My Name]; how may I help you?”

It’s a patient, who gives me their first and last name and date of birth.

Me: “All right, it looks like I have a call open to your doctor about your medicine, but I haven’t heard back.”

Patient: “The nurse called me and told me you were rude to her on the phone. She says she refuses to be treated that way.”

Me: “I’m so sorry about the confusion! I’ll call the physician’s office again to see if I can get some resolution.”

Patient: “I was very surprised when she called me and told me this. I’ve never had a bad experience at your pharmacy.”

Me: “There was some miscommunication between us, but she could have asked for a pharmacist and I would have handed the phone over.”

Patient: “She recommended that I switch to another pharmacy. I said I’ve been using this pharmacy for years, and the staff is always going through hoops for me. I was nice, though. Instead of telling her to shove it up her a**, I thanked her for the information.”

Me: *Hardly containing my laughter* “That was kind of you. I’ll put another call in when we’re finished. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Patient: “I’m good. Take care. You have my permission to call her a twit.”

Me: *Snorting* “I promise to remain professional out loud. Thanks for calling.”