, , | Healthy | November 3, 2017

(I am having a filling in my tooth replaced with a new material.)

Me: “So, doctor, I’ve had problems in the past with Novocain not really working with the standard dose. I may need a slightly larger dose to fully numb the area up.”

Dentist: “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

(I do worry, but I decide maybe he’s using something a little stronger than I’ve been given before. He begins to drill out the current filling and I jump, because I can clearly feel the vibrations, when I know I shouldn’t.)

Me: “No, stop! It’s not numbed!”

Dentist: “No, that’s normal. Don’t worry.”

(He continues to drill, and I can FEEL IT. I squirm and yell and try to smack his arm with my free hand, but he just tells me to be still. He continues on, and for a brief moment, the pain is so intense, everything looks silver. So, I do the only thing I know that will stop him at this point. I bite him, which tears his latex glove.)

Dentist: “What was that for?!”

Me: “PAIN IS F****** SILVER!”

(In the end, I got my larger dose of Novocain to fully numb the area, and a note in my file that I need at least a dose and a half.)

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A Needling Suspicion You Did That Wrong

, , | Healthy | November 3, 2017

(I am donating blood at a traveling clinic that has come to my college. I have a rather intense needle phobia and like to use donating blood as a way to get over this fear just as much as an opportunity to help others. However, when the needle is in me I become visibly tense and my breathing quickens. Sometimes the nurses worry that I am going to pass out or go into shock, so I always warn them about my fear, assure them that I will NOT pass out, that I’m just anxious, and ask them to count to three before they stick me, which reduces my anxiety. They are usually very understanding of this request.)

Nurse: “Okay, we’re all set now. You’re just going to feel a pinch and a sting.”

Me: “Can you please count before you do it?”

Nurse: *legitimately confused about this request* “Count? Why?”

Me: “I have a bit of a needle phobia. I’m not going to pass out; I just don’t want to be surprised by the needle.”

Nurse: *still with a confused expression* “Okay…”

(She then proceeds to count to three as fast as she can… WHILE she is already sticking me with the needle. Lo and behold, I panic, push myself several inches up in the chair, and feel tears begin to stream from my eyes involuntarily.)

Nurse: “Oh! Well, I didn’t know you were gonna jump up in your chair like that!”

(She leaves to tend to other donors. I begin to calm down, but tears are still streaming down my face as a result of the unpleasant surprise.)

Nurse: *coming back to check on me, notices my face* “Is… is something sad going on in your life right now?”

Me: “Nothing other than the nightmares I’m gonna have tonight…”

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A Basin To Stick Your Face In

, | Healthy | November 3, 2017

(My nurse has just finished filling a basin so that I can take a sponge bath. I sit up to use it, and immediately throw up in the basin. First words out of her mouth:)

Nurse: “I’m so glad that basin was there.”

(If I wasn’t busy with sudden nausea I’d have laughed myself sick!)

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Maybe Dying Doesn’t Seem So Bad

, | Healthy | November 2, 2017

(I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. There is a small hospital, as well as a holistic health clinic. The answering machine for the holistic health clinic says:)

Clinic: “You have reached [Clinic]. We are open from [time] to [time]. If it’s an emergency, go to the hospital in [City a little over an hour away]. If you cannot make it to that hospital, go to the hospital in [Smaller City around 40 minutes away]. ONLY IF YOU WILL NOT LIVE to get to that hospital should you go to the local hospital. In that case, good luck… Please leave a message after the beep.”

(The unfortunate thing is they are quite right. While the staff seem nice enough, they have so little practice that they really aren’t any good. I got a small gash in my knee once, and needed stitches. Somehow the remaining scar is now double the size of the original gash. Since then I’ve always made a point to go to a different hospital if I need medical care.)

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A Meat Coochie Would Have Just Been Too Much

, , , , | Healthy | November 2, 2017

(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)

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