Should Have Been A Better Pupil

, , | Healthy | January 6, 2018

(I’m in high school, having dinner with my first girlfriend and her family, when her mom leans over to me.)

Girlfriend’s Mom: “Did you know your pupils are different sizes?”

Me: “…no?”

Mom: “Have you been in an accident? Hit your head recently? This is really serious!”

Me: *starting to get freaked out* “N-no, nothing like that!”

Mom: “You NEED to get this checked out! You might have a brain tumour!”

(I go home and tell my mom, who makes me an ophthalmologist appointment, but the soonest I can get in is in a month. I spend that month terrified I have cancer. Finally my appointment arrives, and they run a barrage of tests on my eyes.)

Doctor: *casually* “You know; I’m still going to dilate your pupils just to make sure; about 25% of people’s pupils are just naturally different sizes.”

(I’m glad everyone was concerned and thorough, but they couldn’t have told me that earlier? More than ten years on, my pupils are still different sizes.)

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There Will Be Blood

, | Healthy | January 5, 2018

(I’m donating blood, and the donor phlebotomist is an absolute klutz. We’re in a donor bus (like a camper that they park at places to have mobile donor drives) and she keeps on knocking into other phlebotomists, dropping things. She has just finished freaking out that she started another donor at just the wrong time, and she’ll have to start his and stop mine at the same time. She comes over to take out my needle, bumbles for a bit, and then pulls it out, leaving a trail of blood down my arm. I’m trained in phlebotomy, so I know that she just has angled the needle down and it’s dripping, and I’m not freaked out by it. But this is her response.)

Phlebotomist: “Oh, whoopsie!” *yells* “CLEAN UP ON AISLE FOUR!”

(She then wiped it up, and continued to bumble around like nothing happened, while the rest of the bus stared at us.)

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Will Need Therapy About Your Gene Therapy

, , , | Healthy | January 5, 2018

(For a few years now, several doctors have suspected that I have some form of an autoimmune disease, as I’ve had problems with excessive bleeding and joint pains most of my life. I’ve just been to a specialist, who, based on the limited information I had about my family’s medical history, concluded that the odds of me having a genetic disease are limited. I’m at my GP’s office, with a list from my mother. My mother and I have the same GP, and I’ve been seeing her my whole life.)

GP: “I know you mother has [Condition #1], and you’re saying her sister has it as well?”

Me: “Yes, and another one of her sisters has [Condition #2]. Then I have a cousin with [more severe Condition #1], and another cousin with [more severe Condition #2]. My grandmother had [Condition #3], which her mother died of.”

GP: “Luckily, no one dies from [Condition #3] today. Is your grandmother still alive?”

Me: “No, but she died of old age and stubbornness.”

GP: *chuckling* “Right. And this is all on your mother’s side?”

Me: “Yes.”

GP: *reading through the list again* “Well, I’ll send the information to [Specialist] and we’ll see if that’ll change her diagnosis.” *somewhat jokingly* “Let’s hope you get most of your genes from your father’s side.”

Me: “Really? Because Dad has epilepsy, his sister had breast cancer, they both have diabetes, and Grandpa thinks he’s back in the 1950s.”

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Too Busy For An Active Lifestyle

, , , | Healthy | January 5, 2018

(I work at a call center for medical insurance.)

Me: “Do you have income from work?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “In the next 12 months do you expect any income changes?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you leave a job in the last 30 days?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “How do you support your household?”

Customer: “Family supports me.”

Me: “Do you go to school?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have time for that.”

(Talk about motivation.)

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This Joke Is Out For Blood

, | Healthy | January 4, 2018

(I’m receiving a dose of chemo treatment, which in this hospital means sitting at desks in a room with several other patients. Probably as a result of their job risk assessment, the nurses are all wearing funny-looking, disposable filter masks, which is a novelty and a noticeable one.)

Patient: “Nurse, why are you wearing those masks today?”

Nurse: “It’s a safety measure, so we don’t accidentally breathe the chemotherapy drugs.”

Patient: “Then why aren’t we given masks as well?”

Nurse: “Because they wouldn’t do much of a difference, since you’re getting the drugs straight into your bloodstream anyway?”

(Despite the usually sombre atmosphere in the room, there was some chuckling.)

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