Getting Hysterectical

, , , , | Healthy | June 25, 2017

(I got a hysterectomy because I hate my period and never want to have children. When I wake up from the anaesthetic, there’s a nurse standing over my bed.)

Nurse: “Don’t you ever want kids?”

(That was literally the first thing she said. I thought of so many responses later, but at the time I was too stunned and groggy to say anything. Also: period-free life is awesome. 10/10 highly recommend.)

1 Thumbs
249

Totally Plastered

, , | Healthy Right | October 30, 2009

Me: “All right, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”

Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”

Me: “No, four to six weeks.”

Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”

Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”

Patient: “Oh, all right.”

(I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)

Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”

Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short. I waited seven minutes… but it still hurts.”

Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”

Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”

Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”

Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”

1 Thumbs
4,343

Loosely Based On A True Story

, | Healthy Right | October 28, 2009

Patient: “I think there’s something wrong with my tooth.”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Patient: “Well, I think it’s loose.”

(The patient suddenly spits his tooth onto the counter in front of me.)

Me: “Yes… yes, I think you’re right.”

1 Thumbs
2,863

They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , , | Healthy Right | October 22, 2009

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise… to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think I got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

1 Thumbs
3,213

If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will

, , , | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009

Me: Hello this is [doctor’s office], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

1 Thumbs
5,462