I’m a manager at an airline. I’m travelling for business and am wearing my uniform: a suit with a knee-length skirt and heels. I have bought an upgrade to business, and sitting next to me in the first row is a kid with his mom across the aisle.

When we first board, the mom and I talk for a bit; she tells me he’s her first child and that he’s three and a half years old, so I tell her about my kids, aka “mom talk.”

Since this is a long flight, I take short naps of about thirty minutes each, followed by equal periods of awareness. I am in the middle of one such nap when I feel someone trying to unbutton my blouse! I open my eyes and see the kid sitting by my lap. I turn toward his mom.

Me: “Can you get your son?”

Mom: “He’s just hungry. Do you mind covering with this blanket and popping one out for him?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Mom: “I just assumed you forgot your breast pumps at home, and that they must be killing you.”

Cue me staring at her in shock.

Mom: “Didn’t you say you had almost three-year-old triplets? Since we women breastfeed until our children are four, and you have a large chest, I thought you would appreciate the gesture.”

I called the cabin chief and told her what had happened, and she made them change seats to the last row in the class, so they’d be as far away from me as possible.

Craziest thing that ever happened to me.

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this.”

Me: “Okay. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I bought this yesterday, and it stopped working. I’d like my money back, please.”

(There are a few different things wrong with what the customer has just said: although the item she brought back is indeed something that we sell, it looks severely worn out, and the box that it is currently in is an older design. There is no way that this could have been purchased ‘yesterday.’ But since I can’t be accusatory just yet, I try to diffuse the situation.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have my receipt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but without a receipt, we cannot do anything.”

Customer: “Can’t you look it up by my credit card number?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but our system cannot trace back credit card purchases. But if you bring your receipt, I promise you, we will take care of everything.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(The customer leaves the store. I thought it would be the end of it, because it’s highly unlikely that she would have a valid receipt. Not even five minutes later, she comes back.)

Customer: “I found my receipt. I’d like my money back, please.”

(True to her word, she has a genuine receipt! I carefully read it over. The item on the receipt matches the item she is trying to return, but the date of the receipt reads January of 2012. We’re in the middle of 2013 at this point.)

Me: “Ma’am, the receipt says you bought this in January of 2012. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.”

Customer: “You promised me that you would take care of it if I brought the receipt! You’re a liar!”

Me: “Ma’am, you told me you purchased this yesterday. The receipt is from over a year ago, and the box is an older design. You’re way past our 30-day return period, and you’ve been dishonest with me.”

Customer: “So… I’m not getting my money back?”

Me: “Nope. Have a nice day, ma’am.”

(A woman enters with one of our store bags in her hand and a receipt in the other.)

Me: “Hello, is this a return?”

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

(I take a glance at the receipt.)

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t do returns after thirty days of the purchase. You bought this item over four years ago.”

Customer: “What’s your point?”

Me: “Well, I can’t return this, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, I guess that’s fine. I’ll be back. I need to buy a few things.”

(The customer gets back in line after fifteen minutes.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Sure did! Here’s a coupon I have for my purchase.”

(I glance down at the coupon.)

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon expired over three years ago.”

Customer: “Why does your store not honor this? It’s a coupon!”

Me: “Yes, but it’s an expired coupon.”

(The customer angrily storms off, taking her unpaid item with her out the door. I am forced to write down her license plate number and call the cops on her.)

An agitated BMW driver pulls into our gas station to get out of the gridlocked traffic.

Customer: “Why is the traffic so bad?!” 

Me: “There was an accident near the freeway entrance, so it’s backed up pretty bad.”

Customer: “Well, it’s incredibly inconvenient! Will you be offering compensation?” 

Me: “Compensation?”

Customer: “Because of the traffic, I was forced to pull in here, and now I’ve had to buy this food and coffee while I wait! Will you be giving me some kind of credit for that?”

Me: “It’s not our fault the traffic is bad, sir. We can’t offer any compensation for anything like that.”

Customer: “That’s useless customer service. Who the f*** should I expense my food and drink to?!” 

Me: “Are you a lawyer, by any chance?”

Customer: “Oh, yes! Have you seen my billboard in town?”

Me: “There were… other signs.”

(I am working the front desk at my hotel, when one of the guests comes up.)

Me: “Good morning! Do you need to check out?”

Customer: “Yes, but I want to complain.”

Me: “Oh, dear. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, the fan in the bathroom is very loud, and it kept me up all night!”

Me: “It did? I’ll leave a note for maintenance. That’s strange, though. It wouldn’t turn off at all?”

Customer: “No! I thought it was on a timer or something, but it just kept running all night long!”

Me: “That’s very odd. Was it running when you entered the room?”

Customer: “No, it turned on when I… flipped… the…” *blinks a bit in realization* “Oh! Well, poop!”

Me: “…turned on the light in the bathroom?”

Customer: “Yup. Sorry to bother you!”