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Constant New Viruses Are Such A Strain

, , , | Right | September 27, 2010

Customer: “Can you recommend a perfect anti-virus to use on my computer?”

Me: “At the rate viruses are coming out, sir, there isn’t really any that protect your computer perfectly.”

Customer: “So, they don’t really work?”

Me: “No, not really, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, which one doesn’t work the least?”

Yukon Freeze It, Part 3

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2013

(I’m about 10 years old. I’m coming out of a store, when a very obvious tourist couple confronts me. They have a kayak strapped to the top of their truck, and some skidoos trailered to the back. It’s summer.)

Tourist: “You! You can you help me!”

Me: “Umm, okay. What’s wrong?”

Tourist: “Where can I go ice fishing?”

Me: “A lot of places, but it’s way too warm for that right now.”

Tourist: “We’re in Canada, correct?”

Me: “Yeah, but it’s summer time. Maybe if you were much further north you’d find ice.”

Tourist: “I drove up from the south; this is north.”

Me: “Umm, well, you could take your kayak out to Lake Ontario to go regular fishing, but not ice fishing.”

(The tourist’s wife, with selective hearing issues, chimes in.)

Tourist’s Wife: “We can go ice fishing?!”

Me: *gives up* “Sure, just go down Lake Street, and you’ll find the lake.”

Tourist’s Wife: “Honey, look, they name their streets after the places they go to! How cute!”

(I watched them drive off in the opposite direction.)

 

Ramping Up Your Demands

| Working | April 25, 2014

(I had been in a very bad accident. Both my legs are broken and I am using a wheelchair for months. Because of this, we have to have a wheelchair ramp installed on our house temporarily. We have ordered pizza for delivery. The delivery driver rings the doorbell and my husband answers.)

Driver: *to my husband, although he can see me clearly in the wheelchair in the room behind him* “Hey! I don’t like that ramp you had installed! It’s too hard to walk up it!”

Me: “At least you can walk!”

(The driver immediately shuts up and leaves.)

A Large Intelligence Gulf (Of Mexico)

| Right | August 28, 2013

Customer: “So, where are you located?”

Me: “In Orlando, Florida.”

Customer: “Ugh! I’m sick of all you foreigners taking jobs from us hard-working Americans!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am an American citizen. Florida is a state in America. Everyone who works in this call center is American.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid! I know Florida is in Mexico! I want to talk to an AMERICAN!”

Lost On The Train And In Translation

| Right | September 24, 2014

(I work in the ticket office at a train station. One night a customer with very poor English comes up to me.)

Customer: “Cawidge.”

Me: “I’m sorry, where are you headed?”

Customer: “Cawidge.”

Me: “Cambridge?”

Customer: “No, I go Cawidge.”

Me: “Can you write that for me?” *I hand him a piece of paper and a pen.*

Customer: *shouts something in a foreign language to someone on the other side of the station, who comes running up.*

Customer’s Friend: “He go Cawidge.”

Me: “Yes, can you write that for me please?”

Customer’s Friend: “Uh… Cawidge. Brummum?”

Me: “Birmingham?”

Customer’s Friend: *excitedly* “Yeah, yeah! Brummum! Brummum Cawidge!”

*it suddenly clicks*

Me: “Oh, University of Birmingham?”

Customer: “Yeah, cawidge!”

Me: “Sure, that’ll be [price]. In future though, don’t ask for the College, ask for University of Birmingham. Okay?”

Customer: “Yew… nee… verse… Brummum!”

Me: “… Yeah, that’ll do.”