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She’s Going To Have Kittens If You Don’t Tell Her

, , , , | Romantic | August 7, 2019

(I volunteer at an animal shelter. We have a man who has driven for an hour and a half to adopt a cat for his wife’s birthday as a surprise. He works in the mines 14 days on, 7 days off, so he usually does not go out on his days off, and apparently, his wife finds this suspicious. He receives a phone call just as he is finalising the paperwork. I cannot hear her end of the conversation.)

Man: *phone rings* “Oh, hello, honey. What’s up?” *wife speaks* “Oh, I am just out.” *wife speaks* “I just had some things to do.”

(His wife speaks a little louder.) 

Man: “Yeah, I know it’s my day off. I just had some things to get!”

(His wife speaks, if possible, louder.) 

Man: “All right, all right, all right! Woman, I’m getting you a birthday present!”

(There is silence for a moment before she speaks again.) 

Man: “No, I’m not going to tell you what it is!… No… No… NO!… If you keep guessing I am putting it back.”

(The kitten decides to meow at him at that moment. There is silence, and then an audible squeal comes out of the phone. He sighs.)

Man: “I will see you soon.” *hangs up* “So much for surprises.”

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Running Low On The Milk Of Human Kindness

| Working | January 17, 2014

(We have just hired two brand new servers. Because of their inexperience, they are only waiting on one table at a time each, so I am somewhat busy.)

Me: “Hey, is anyone not busy right now?”

Coworker #1: “I’m not doing anything.”

Me: “Will you make me a strawberry milkshake?”

Coworker #1: “Sure!”

(I go to the back for a few minutes, then come back and check on the milkshake.)

Me: “How’s it going?”

Coworker #1: “It’s not.”

(She shows me the milkshake, which is far too thick.)

Me: “Oh, you didn’t put nearly enough milk!”

Coworker #1: “I KNEW IT!”

Me: “…what?”

Coworker #1: “I asked [Coworker #2] if milkshakes had milk, and she said no!”

Me: “Hey, [Coworker 2]! Just so you know, milkshakes need milk!”

Coworker #2: “What?”

Me: “Milkshakes need milk! [Coworker #1] said you told her they didn’t.”

Coworker #2: “Wait, she thought I was serious?!”

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Down Blunder

| Learning | November 6, 2013

(The math professor is known for being absent-minded, but brilliant. He’s absolutely reliant on his TA, who’s from Germany and runs all his day-to-day affairs. Today’s the first day of class, and the professor is showing us photos from his summer vacation.)

Professor: “…so after India, we spent a week in Austria, and [TA] was kind enough to teach me some German: ‘hallo, ich bin eine Amerikan Mathematik-Professor!’ But I found out that everyone there spoke English.”

TA: “Ah, but everyone will treat you better if you show them you speak some of the language!”

Professor: “I tried! They just told me they couldn’t speak German! Is the entire country a practical joke?”

(The next slide is a photo of him excitedly waving near a kangaroo.)

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Equality Is A Two-Chromosomed Street

| Working | March 12, 2013

Me: “Hey [coworker], I heard you interviewed [my friend].”

Coworker: “Yeah. Sorry, I couldn’t hire him, considering he’s your friend and all.”

Me: “That’s okay. I don’t expect you to hire someone just because he’s my friend. But he said that you told him that the reason he wasn’t hired was that you were looking for female baristas.”

Coworker: *smiles* “Yeah. You know, girls just are harder workers, more detail oriented. And we need that around here. Us guys… we’re not so good at that. We’re pretty crappy, actually.”

Me: “Um, and you told [my friend] that?”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Me: “Um, you do realize that that is sexual discrimination, right?”

Coworker: “…What? How?!”

Me: “It’s illegal to not hire someone based on their gender. Because [my friend] knows you didn’t give him a shot at the job because he’s a guy, he technically could sue you. [My friend] isn’t going to do that for a job in a coffee shop, but he wanted me to warn you to not say that to people so you or [the owner] don’t get in trouble for sexual discrimination.”

Coworker: “It’s really sexual discrimination? It’s not against women; it’s for women!”

Me: “Dude, sexual discrimination laws go both ways.”

Coworker: “Really?”

Me: *facepalm*

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Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5

| Right | September 8, 2012

(I’m at a nearby water park with some friends. A friend and I walk over to the deep end and start to get on the diving boards. The exchange initially takes place between my friend, a customer swimming in the deep end, and a lifeguard.)

Customer: *to my friend on the diving board* “Excuse me, people are swimming here.”

My Friend: “Umm… but this is the diving area.”

Customer: “You can’t dive here while we’re swimming!”

Lifeguard: “Ma’am, this is the diving area.”

(The female customer huffs angrily and then swims across the pool slowly, forcing my friend and I to wait before we can dive. We still go off the diving boards several times, and then leave to get on the water slides for awhile. We come back to the diving boards later to find the same customer making a scene with the park manager.)

Customer: “…and we would all have to get out of the water. Then this guy would do one dive and leave. We would all get back in the water and he would come back to dive again. It’s ridiculous.”

Manager: “Ma’am, this area is for diving only. You’re not supposed to swim in here. Furthermore, I won’t allow you to talk to my lifeguards like that. Please leave the park now.”

Customer: “I don’t have to listen to this ****. You better give me back my $4! I haven’t been here that long.”

Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m going to call the police.”

Customer: “Now you’re gonna call the police? I’ve been trying to be civil!”

(So much for being civil—we heard later from one of the lifeguards that she ended up leaving in the back of a police car.)


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