I used to work at a party supply store where our biggest appeal was that we would blow up balloons for parties and such. Over the summer I worked there, there was a helium shortage, so we were currently not blowing up any balloons. 

Customer: “Hello. Can I get some balloons filled?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are currently out of helium, so we are unable to blow up any balloons right now.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s all right. I’ll just blow them up myself.”

Me: “Okay, then what would you like?”

As he was picking out Mylar balloons:

Customer: “Why can’t you guys fill these up anyway?”

Me: “Because we are out of helium.”

Customer: “Why do you need helium?”

Me: “So that the balloon floats.”

Customer: “Oh, so I can’t just blow these up. All right, where are the smaller regular balloons?”

Me: “You mean the latex ones? They’re down that aisle.”

I figured he understood what I meant and was just getting the latex balloons for some floor decorations or something, but when he came back to check out, it was clear he had not passed chemistry.

Customer: “That’s so weird, huh? So, the Mylar balloons won’t float if you just put air in them? Why? Are they too heavy?”

Me: “Um, how are you planning to blow those latex balloons up?”

Customer: “I’m just going to use my mouth.”

Me: “You are aware they won’t float like that, right?”

Customer: “They will. That’s how you blow balloons up.”

Me: “No matter what the balloons are made of, just blowing air into it will not make them float. You need helium.”

Customer: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “Because it’s lighter than air and makes them float.”

Customer: “Well, can’t I just breathe that out?”

Me: “No, you cannot breathe out helium. It comes from the ground.”

Customer: “How does gas come from the ground?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure, but either way, those balloons will not float. Do you still want them?”

Customer: “Well, I guess not.”

Luckily, I was able to check him out without further incident after that. Unfortunately, he was just one of many incidents almost exactly like that. Pay attention in chemistry, kids.

Related:
No Helium For The Airhead, Part 3
No Helium For The Airhead, Part 2
No Helium For The Airhead

I am a customer at a party store getting some balloons filled. I see an exhausted-looking woman walk into the store with four boys, all under ten. They are being typical boys: running around, shouting, screaming, and grabbing merchandise from the shelf to find new ways to play.

Five minutes later, I see the same exhausted woman leave the store with a small bag of paper plates, the same four boys loudly in tow.

Five minutes after that, I hear an announcement over the store speakers.

Speaker: “Manager to the decorating aisle.”

The manager seems to be the guy filling my balloons, as he replies on his walkie.

Manager: “What is it? I’m with a customer.”

Employee: “It… uh… it looks like a clown exploded.”

Manager: “Uh… give me five.”

I felt sorry for the clean-up crew.

Customer: “I bought helium balloons, but they don’t float. Do I have to put special air in them or something?”

Me: “The label means the balloons are helium quality, which means they’ll hold helium. You have to actually put helium in them if you want them to float.”

Customer: “That’s false advertising! I’ve been blowing these things up with my mouth for over an hour!”

I sold Halloween costumes at a party store years ago. A customer came up with a Queen of Hearts costume that sells for $80.

Me: “I notice that this is ringing in as an eight-pack of camouflage party cups for $1.29. Know anything about that?”

They bolted.

I’m picking up a few things for my daughter’s birthday. I’ve made an order and I’m collecting it.

Cashier: “Will that be all?”

Me: “Oh, yes. [Owner] said there was some of stock being thrown out and I could help myself.”

Cashier: “There is no [Owner] that works here.”

Me: “Yes, there is. [Owner], the owner.”

Cashier: “The owner is [Woman]. You can’t have stuff for free.”

Me: “Why don’t I call him?”

I get my phone and dial the number right there.

Me: “Oh, hi, [Owner]. I’m in the shop and they don’t know anything about the stuff you said.” *Pauses* “Her name is… [Cashier]. She said she doesn’t even know you.” *Pauses* “Okay, great. See you in a second.”

Cashier: “You know what? I’ve really had it with customers trying to rip us off. I will call the owner and they will ban you from the store.”

Just then, [Owner] arrives from the back.

Owner: “I don’t think that will be necessary. Sorry about her, [My Name]. She’s been here six months and I’m here all the time. You would think she would know who I am by now.”

Cashier: “But [Woman] said—”

Owner: “[Woman] is the manager. I am the owner. I did explain this.” *Sighs* “Why don’t you restock the shelves while I serve this gentleman?”

He did, and he gave me a bit of a discount, too. When I left, I saw the cashier outside instead of stacking the shelves, smoking a cigarette. I wonder how long she stayed.

Related:
Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 17
Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 16
Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 15
Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 14
Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 13