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A Very Complicated Pre-Op

| Working | November 15, 2013

(I am a 26-year-old man, waiting for a tonsil operation. I am in the waiting room with my friend, who is 20.)

Friend: “Hey [My Name], I need to go and get some pretzels. Where are they?”

Me: “Second turn, cafeteria.”

(My friend gets up. My name is called. As I go to surgery, the doctor starts asking questions.)

Doctor: “Right, [My Unisex Name], this is the routine checkup?”

Me: “No, an operation on my tonsils.”

Doctor: “And your birth date is [month and day], 1997?”

Me: “No. I was born in 1987.”

Doctor: *looks at me curiously* “Erm, just give me a minute.”

(I see the doctor open the door and goes out. My friend is coming back as he goes out. I assume he goes up and tells her I’m in an operation because I hear them talking. I wait about 10 more minutes, before a security guard comes in.)

Security Guard: “Mr. [My Surname]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Security Guard: “I have reason to believe you have used someone else’s details. Or that you HAVEN’T stolen someone else’s details, but those details are your girlfriend’s. And to add to that, because of the birth date on the list, we believe she is underage. So you tried to make an underage girl come to hospital for reasons unknown, and I have to arrest you for either identity theft or pedophilia. For your sake, you better hope it’s the first.”

Me: “Just hold it just there! That is MY name! And I have the same birth date; it’s just 87, not 97! And she’s just my friend, and she’s 20!”

(The security guard goes out and brings back a clipboard. He looks at the date on it and I look as well. The person who took my details has written 1987 so badly it looks like 1997. The hospital apologizes to me, and my friend, and I am given a tonsil operation.)

Not Getting With The Program

| Right | May 22, 2011

Me: “Good afternoon, [Software Company] Tech Support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I have a complaint about your software. My employees keep exiting the files without saving. I need you to fix that problem with your software.”

Me: “Sir, when you pick to exit the application, it asks you if you are sure you want to exit without saving.”

Customer: “I know. I think they are just hitting enter at the question.”

Me: “Sir, the default is no.”

Customer: “Well, they must be answering yes.”

Me: “I’m not sure how we can change the software to make it easier for your employees to understand.”

Customer: “Can you add a second box after the first box, asking if they are really sure they want to lose what they just entered?”

Me: “I can put that request in, sir. But I doubt that development will change the software.”

Customer: “Why not?! It’s a bug in your software! I want it fixed!”

An Artistic Response

| Right | February 16, 2016

(I’m 21 but very short and petite for my age, so I’m used to customers assuming I’m young and inexperienced. I mostly ignore it. Because our job involves cutting fabric for each customer, we’re generally serving them for around five minutes. Most customers tend to strike up a conversation.)

Customer: “So, how long have you been working here?”

Me: “I just passed three years.”

Customer: “Really? I come in here a lot and I’ve never seen you before.”

Me: “Me too. Funny how that happens.”

(She gives me a glare. I decide to start playing along in case she gets angry.)

Me: “I’ve also been studying at university, so I’m not here as often as the other staff.”

Customer: “You’re at university?!”

Me: “Yes. I’ve just finished and will graduate next month.”

Customer: *condescendingly* “Did you enjoy your little arts degree, then?”

(I’m incredibly offended by this.)

Me: “I’ll actually be receiving a Bachelor of Commerce majoring in business information systems. It’s a very interesting field that involves using information technology to streamline business processes, with the end goal being that the added value will allow the business to remain competitive or gain an advantage. It’s the discipline where information technology meets information management in a business context.”

(She shut her trap after that.)

His Chances Are Shot

| Working | September 3, 2013

(A client comes up to my desk to apply for an advertised job vacancy. He seems suitably qualified, so I phone the employer to arrange an interview.)

Me: “Hi, I have a Mr. [client name] with me. He’d—”

Employer: “No.” *hangs up*

Me: *to client* “Right… Looks like he doesn’t want to talk to you.”

Client: “Wait, what was the guy’s name again?”

Me: “It is [employer’s name].”

Client: “Aw s***, sorry mate. If I’d known it was him, I wouldn’t even have bothered. I shot his son in the leg a couple of years back. It was an accident, but for some reason he’s had a grudge against me ever since.”

Doesn’t Have The Math Jeans

| Right | July 23, 2013

(A customer is trying to exchange a pair of jeans. My coworker notices he will be getting some money back.)

Coworker: “Sir, this pair of jeans is less than the pair you bought earlier, so I will give you the cash back.”

Customer: “That’s it! Give me my d*** pants back! I don’t want to deal with this s*** anymore!”

(My coworker looks stunned at the guy’s outburst.)

Coworker: “But sir, you’ll be getting money back!”

Customer: “I don’t care! Just give me my d*** pants back! Or explain it to me; I don’t understand this!”

Coworker: “Well sir, this pair—”

Customer: “Just give me the d*** pants! You guys always do s*** like this; you just lost a good customer!”

(The customer grabs the pants and storms towards the doors. As he leaves, a second customer stars applauding, and yells after him.)

Customer #2: “Sure doesn’t sound like it!”