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The Emperors New Clothes

, | Right | January 15, 2015

(I am the manager. I am only a few years older than the student who is working at the window, but today I decide to dress in more ‘manager-like clothes’ than my usual jeans and oversized t-shirt, while the student (who is on his third shift) is wearing gym clothes. A fancy-looking couple come to the window.)

Student: “How can I help you today?”

Woman: “We want tickets to all the dance performances this season, and we’d like to sit in the mezzanine. That’s the only place you can REALLY see the dancing.”

(We have had tickets on sale for several months, so all of the mezzanine is sold, as are most of the best seats.)

Student: “I’m afraid those seats are unavailable, but I can show you on this chart what we do have?”

Man: *leaning toward the window* “I don’t think you understand. We want to be able to SEE the dancing. Do you understand?”

Woman: “What do you have in these rows? This row should have a very good vantage point for us to really see the dancers.” *she points to rows that are no longer available*

Student: “I’m afraid those seats are sold, but these ones I’m showing you will have an excellent view, I can assure you…”

(The couple are beginning to get frustrated, and the student worker is not able to get a word in. I decide to go to the window.)

Me: “Hi, I’m one of the managers. Can I help you?”

Woman: “He won’t sell us mezzanine seats! How are we supposed to see the dancers?”

Me: *toward the computer screen and pretending to scrutinize* “Oh, yes, I see the problem. If it were me, I would want these seats.”

(I point to the exact same seats the student has picked, just on the House Left instead of House Right.)

Me: “That way, you’ll get a full empty aisle view and fewer heads in the way. Plenty of room to see the dancers!”

Woman: “Thank you!”

(They ordered “those seats the lady said were good” for the rest of the dance shows. I told the student later that he could have me do that same thing any time as long as he checked that I was wearing nice clothes!)

Death Of A Sales Pitch, Part 3

| Working | May 23, 2014

(My grandfather had recently passed a couple of days before and I’m ringing up regarding one of his private pensions on the ‘notification of death’ specific line.)

Agent: “Hello. You’re through to [Agent] at [Company]. How may I help you?”

Me: “I need to check to see if a policy is still active, please.”

Agent: “Can we have the policy details, and are you the policyholder?”

Me: “No.”

(I give my grandfather’s details for them to pull up the details.)

Agent: “Is the policyholder there with you?”

Me: “No, he’s—”

Agent: *snooty tone* “Well, we can’t do anything without the policyholder being there. So you’ll need to put him on the phone or get him to call us.”

Me: “Do you have an Ouija board?”

Agent: “Pardon?”

Me: “This is the ‘notification of a death’ line, right? He died two days ago, so I don’t think you’ll be able to speak to him without one.”

This Evening Has Gone Down The Toilet

, , , | Right | March 23, 2022

I have been working in the hotel industry since 2017. It is 2018 when I am working in an Apart-Hotel in the city centre. We have a group of journalist students from Germany visiting. They are very nice and respectful.

One evening, I am in the reception, and they have all left their apartments to go to the restaurant for a gala dinner.

Suddenly, I hear a noise from one of the apartments, like someone is trying to break the door or something. I am scared but, of course, can’t do anything but check up on it. I open the door to the apartment, and I hear someone’s voice from the toilet. It’s the coordinator of the group, and he’s stuck in the toilet.

Guest: “I am sorry, is anybody here? I got stuck, for God’s sake!”

Me: “Oh, sir, I am so sorry. Let me try to help you.”

Guest: “Yes, please! I am in a hurry; I need to go to the dinner.”

Me: “Sir, I am trying to push, but unfortunately, the lock is broken. I need to call the technician.”

Guest: “Oh, no. That is a problem! How long it will take?”

Me: “Sir, I talked to him. He will be here in around one hour.”

Guest: “Oh, no. What should I do? I don’t even have my phone with me. This is going to be very boring.”

Me: “Don’t worry, sir, I will be here until they come.”

Guest: “Thank you. Maybe you can sing for me?”

Me: *Laughing* “Sorry, sir, my voice is horrible, but maybe I can tell funny hotel stories for you?”

I told him a couple of stories until the general manager and the technician arrived. He told me that he would have complained if not for my stories that made him feel better, so it was a really interesting day for both of us!

Customer: Impossible, Part 2

, , | Right | February 4, 2008

Woman: “My screw fell out of my glasses. Can you replace it?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

(I go in the back, replace the woman’s screw, and bring it back.)

Woman: “This is all wrong.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “This screw is silver. My screw was gold!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only screws I have are silver.”

Woman: “But my screw was gold. This thing is cheap.”

Me: “To be fair, your screw wasn’t gold. It just had gold paint on it just like your frames.”

Woman: “How do you know?”

Me: “Well, I looked at the other screw.”

Woman: “I thought this frame was solid gold.”

Me: “I’m afraid not. This is a $120 frame. It’s not going to be made of gold with gold screws for $120.”

Woman: “Can you give me a gold-painted screw?”

Me: “I only have silver, ma’am.”

Woman: “Well, I don’t want it.”

Me: “Would you like me to take it out and give you back your broken glasses?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Then I suggest you take this screw.”

Woman: “I don’t want it!”

Me: “Then I’ll take it out for you.”

Woman: “No! I need them to see.”

(I hand her back her frame, still fully repaired.)

Woman: “I DON’T WANT THAT SCREW!”

Me: “Well, if you find the screw that fell out, I will be happy to put it back in for you.”

Woman: “I’ll never find it. It fell out a week ago!”

Me: *bangs head on wall*


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Gone, As In Mentally

, , | Right | November 3, 2007

Lady: “Yeah, I just got back so I missed the big rain storm.”

Me: “Well, it wasn’t too bad. Where did you go? Out of town?”

Lady: “What?”

Me: “You got back from somewhere. Where did you go?”

Lady: “I haven’t been anywhere.”

Me: “So you were here for the rainstorm?”

Lady: “No, I was gone.”


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