(We have a reporting mechanism for lost and stolen equipment, and employees are required to report lost equipment. One employee fills out a form for a stolen phone. When getting to the question asking about the surrounding circumstances of the theft, the employee states on the form that he was involved in a melee. Here’s a paraphrased excerpt from our internal incident response discussion:)

Supervisor: “Were there weapons involved in the melee?”

Tech #1: “It wasn’t stated in the report.”

Supervisor: “Need to know what level the characters were, what skill tree, and what weapons were involved. Were there any legendary items at all?”

Tech #2: “I’ll bet they were trying to use a freaking mage as a melee character.”

Tech #1: “Thief used boots of escaping, no purple runes on bedazzled phone. Subject was pwn’d by a level-13 rogue. What a noob.”

(My mom has never had any luck with financial companies, whether they take out too much money or forget to take out any at all. On this night my mom, my two brothers, and I are cooking supper, when my work calls. We never check the home phone, and my job calling prompts my mom to check the messages. There’s been a message saying that if she doesn’t call back this financial company about her mortgage, they will take legal action. She calls them back.)

Mom: “Hi, I just got the message about my mortgage. What’s going on?”

Caller #1: “Yes, we never got your last payment.”

Mom: “It was supposed to go out on [date]. Did it not?”

Caller #1: “Oh, yes. Now I see; it’s in the notes.”

(They get it all figured out, and we are just finishing cooking when the phone rings.)

Mom: “Hello?”

Caller #2: “Hello, may I speak to [Mom]?”

Mom: “Speaking?”

Caller #2: “Yes, I’m calling because your last payment never went out.”

Mom: “I just spoke to someone not five minutes ago; we got it all figured out.”

Caller #2: “Oh, yeah. It’s right here in the notes.”

(She hangs up and we sit down for dinner. The phone rings again.)

Mom: “This is the third call in the last hour. I have spoken to someone.”

Caller #3: “Oh, yes. It’s right here, in the notes.”

(My mom hangs up.)

Me: “Next time they call, you should just say, ‘Check the notes,’ and hang up.”

(I’ve been to a few job interviews so far and still can’t get my first job. I’m fresh out of high school.)

Manager: “On your application, it states that you have no job experience.”

Me: “That is correct. I’ve been focused on my school work.”

Manager: “Well, I don’t hire people who don’t have any experience as a server or cashier. I need you to have at least a year of experience.”

(I am too stunned to say anything. Why would you ask me to come here if you weren’t even going to give me a job?)

Manager: “I know I asked you to come here for a job interview, but that’s because I just want to see who you are.”

(He goes through the rest of the questions and I just internally scream.)

Manager: “Well, it was nice meeting you, [My Name]. Hopefully I will see an application from you again.”

(I never did apply there again.)

(I’m the safety officer for my company, and have just sent two of my coworkers for an external safety course.)

Coworker #1: “So, I took that course. It was very informative. [Coworker #2], though, he just caused an incident, right after we returned.”

Me: “What happened?”

Coworker #1: “We were joking around and pretended to throw a banana peel at him, and [Coworker #2] said, ‘I wonder if these are really slippery.’ So’ he put it on the floor and stepped on it. Now he’s literally twisted his back and ankle stepping on a banana peel.”

Me: *speechless*

Coworker #1: “We work with some real geniuses, [My Name].”

I am 15, so my dad always comes with me when I go to the pet store to buy food for my pets. I need to get a few dozen crickets for my two lizards, and two pinky mice for my adolescent corn snake hybrid.

Unfortunately, it can be a little confusing for some of the employees because they use the same boxes for the rodents sold as food as they do for rodents sold as pets.

A cheery clerk, who looks about 16, serves me, notices the box, and asks, “And what are you going to name this little cutie?”

My dad says, “Breakfast and lunch.”

The poor girl looks like she’s just seen someone kick a puppy when she realizes what they are!