Teacher: “If you have a nickname, or just want me to call you something specific, just tell me and I will. I’ll call you anything you want. But be careful what you choose, because I will stick with it for good.”

Class: *laughs*

Teacher: “You think I’m joking? I had a student want to be called ‘Daddy.’ He didn’t think I’d go through with it, but that’s what I called him for the whole semester.”

(I’m sure that’s not at all appropriate for student-teacher relationships, but who am I to judge? That must’ve been an interesting class.)

(I’m working in the appliances section of an electronics store, and an old man comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, where is the [Toothpaste]?”

Me: “I’m not sure. Wait, [Toothpaste]?”

Customer: “Yes, I know you sell it here. Where is it in your store?”

Me: “I’m a little confused. Where did you see that we carry [Toothpaste]?”

(The old man procures a copy of Consumer Reports magazine, and opens it to their reviews of various toothpastes. At the top of the page is the toothpaste he wants, with a little graphic that calls it out as a “best buy;” that is, a good thing to purchase. I explain it very carefully, and though disappointed, the man leaves my department. A few minutes later, over the walkie:)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name]. You know where everything is, right?”

Me: “Pretty much. Why?”

Manager: “Do you know where the [Toothpaste] is?”

The restaurant I’m going to has an app that lets you order a meal ahead of time to be picked up. Before I leave for the restaurant, I order a pasta dish with chicken added to it on the app. A minute later, I get a phone call from the restaurant, and a flustered employee tells me, “The, uh… the machine that makes the chicken is down.”

I change my order to have meatballs instead. On my way to the restaurant, I’m wondering what “the machine that makes the chicken” is. A meat slicer, maybe? When I get there, I see approximately five signs warning me that they cannot make any pot-stickers or chicken because a particular piece of equipment is broken.

It’s the grill. The word she was looking for was “grill.” She must have been having a rough day.

In year nine of high school, I had a really great maths class, with a super cool teacher. He was a bit of a joker and made maths classes actually enjoyable.

One of the things he had us do, near the end of the class, was a competition where we answered various math equations in an elimination competition. I was pretty good, and in this case, managed to get right to the final round against another guy.

Both of us are named Jack, and as soon as the teacher noticed it was down to us, he said without thinking, “Let’s have a Jack-Off.”

To a crowd of teenagers.

His face immediately went bright red, as everyone in the class exploded into laughter, after which he ended the lesson a little early.

(My boss treats our office to some fun at a nearby arcade as a holiday treat. I manage to do really well, and the cashier at the prize desk scans my card to show I have quite a lot of tickets. I find a large stuffed dog that I want, well under the total tickets I have, but as I am 5’2”, it’s just out of my reach. I go back to the prize desk.)

Me: “Excuse me. I’ve decided on that dog over there—” *points at stuffed dog on high shelf* “—but I’m too short.”

Cashier: “Well, you can combine your ticket card with another, and maybe that will be enough.”

Me: “Huh?”

Cashier: “If you’re short, you can combine two cards and get more towards prizes.”

Me: “How will that get me the dog? I thought I had enough tickets.”

(Luckily, my boss overhears and realizes what I meant.)

Boss: “Here, [My Name]; I’ll get it for you.”

(He reaches up and grabs the stuffed dog off the shelf, bringing it over to me.)

Cashier: “Oh! You meant you couldn’t reach! Sorry about that.”

Me: “Eh, I’m used to it. Next time I’ll try to win a ladder.”