My best friend in high school is a punk. Her hair is short and black with blonde streaks and it spikes out all over the place. She wears baggy, ripped-up clothes and a spiked necklace. And she has a face that naturally said she wants to kill you. She teaches kick-boxing at one of the local gyms. She comes into the store where I work, does some shopping, and checks out through my line.

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], I know you aren’t supposed to tell me this, but is that guy near the aisle your security dude?”

Our security people wear plain clothes, and I can see he’s one of ours.

Me: “Yeah, he is.”

Friend: “Oh, good. I don’t have to kick his a** for following me around the store, then. Could you let him know I’m actually picking things up for the church?”

With that, she leaves. I call the security guy over, laughing, and tell him who she is and what she was doing.

Me: “You got to remember that just because they dress like punks, it doesn’t mean they’re up to no good.”

And to make my point, I nodded toward another customer who had just come in who looked like a soccer mom. Every month, she tried to steal around $400 worth of Legos.

I’m fifteen. It’s around Christmastime, and I am at the mall with some friends. We go into a popular store known for selling a wide variety of perfumes, lotions, and candles. They are having a sale where, if you buy three perfumes, you get three perfumes for free. Excited to get them for my friends as their Christmas gifts, I take my time picking out ones I think each one would like. The cashier rings up the items. 

Cashier: “That will be [total].”

I think it’s odd because it’s twice the price that I had added up in my head. 

Me: “Is that with the promotion?”

Cashier: “That doesn’t apply to you.”

Me: “What do you mean? Did I accidentally grab one that wasn’t part of the deal? I can go grab a different one.”

Cashier: “No, it just doesn’t apply to you.”

I stare at her blankly, not really sure what’s going on. 

Me: “Oh. Well then, I’m not interested.”

The cashier made a sour face as I walked away from her, leaving all of the perfumes on the counter. I ended up going to a different location and picking out the same exact ones I had before with no problems.

I take my very docile ball python along with me on a trip to the pet store. That goes fine, and on my way home, I remember some things I need at the local thrift store. Now, a reasonable person would go home, drop off the snake, and go back out. But, for brain-no-worky-right reasons, it’s very hard for me to get back out of the house once I’m home. So, I am left with a choice: go home and try to remember to go another day or take my three-foot snake into a retail location that’s not pet-friendly.

I wrap my snake around my neck and pray everyone thinks he’s a particularly chunky necklace. It’s a slow time of day in the off-season, so I make it to the section I need without issue and start browsing. Then, I hear a gasp. I turn around just in time to see a teenage girl run off and, thinking the jig is up, scurry my way deeper into the store to find what I’m looking for and hope they’ll let me buy it before kicking me out.

As I’m frantically searching, I hear a soft “excuse me” from behind me and turn slowly to see the same teenage girl standing about ten feet away, shifting nervously on her feet.

Me: “Yes?”

Teenager: “Is that a real snake?”

Me: “Yes?”

She goes on to tell me that she’s terrified of snakes, but she’s never seen one so relaxed and calm before, and she asks for a picture. Having nothing to lose, I extract my snake’s head, rest it in my palm, and pose. She snaps a photo and thanks me, and I ask her if she would like to try to touch him, which has her going wide-eyed and shaking her head quickly. We say our goodbyes and I find what I need and head to the checkout, my snake having snuggled himself back in around my neck.

I finish paying and the cashier is just handing me my bags when he does a double-take. Welp, you can’t dodge lightning twice, I fear.

Cashier: “Is that a snake?”

Me: “Yes.”

Cashier: “That’s awesome. Have a great day!”

Good thing I didn’t need to do anything else that day. I’m pretty sure I used up all my luck in those ten minutes!

Related:
This Situation Will Just Snake Along, Part 2
This Situation Will Just Snake Along

I’m a manager at a large retail store. I’ve been getting complaints that my assistant manager is being rude to coworkers. One day, one of my best employees comes to the office, tears off her vest, throws it down, and then storms out of the office. I catch up with her.

Me: “Hey, [Employee], wait up! What was that all about?”

Employee: “My husband has bone cancer and I have to be there to take him to the hospital. We can’t afford another car, and his sister is an elementary school teacher. I talked to [Assistant Manager], and she said that I would be fired if I didn’t show up for work!”

I call the assistant manager into my office. 

Assistant Manager: *Seeing [Employee]* “Did she give you trouble, too?”

Me: “[Assistant Manager], did you really tell [Employee] that she couldn’t take her husband to get his treatments?”

Assistant Manager: “Yes. We need her here more than he does.”

Me: “I can’t believe you just said that to my face. You realize my sister has cancer, right? And nothing is more important to me than the welfare of our employees and their families. Besides, you don’t have the authority to fire anyone. You’ll be written up for this.”

She gave the employee a dirty look before she stomped out of my office. Later, she was fired for trying to fire an employee who couldn’t come to work because he got into a car accident and nearly died.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I have an Xbox One and I want to get Red Dead Redemption for it. A friend has one for Xbox 360, and I played it on my Xbox One and it played, but I wanted to get the Xbox One version.”

Me: “The original Red Dead Redemption did come out on the 360, and it can play on the Xbox One, but the original didn’t come out on Xbox One; the sequel game did.”

Customer: “Well, I saw it at [Competitor]. Could you tell me if it would work on my console? And what the price is?”

Me: “I wouldn’t know what [Competitor] has in stock or what their prices are. I work here, so I can only tell you what our prices are and what we have in stock.”

Customer: “Could you call them and then call me back with the answer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that’s not something I can do; I’ve got work to do here. But I’m sure you can!” 

Customer: *Hangs up*

Seriously?