In Hiss-tronics About Password Usage

, , , , | Working | November 30, 2017

(In our office, we all use the same computer. To keep track of who did what, we all have a password to log in with. My manager is the one who tells us this. My coworker is pretty zany, but so is my manager.)

Manager: *starts using computer*

Coworker: “Hey! I’m logged onto there; are you using your password?!”

Manager: “No!” *wiggles eyebrows*

Coworker: “Log me off! Use your own password!”

(When the manager doesn’t, my coworker runs to her and hisses in her face like a cat!)

Manager: *hisses back*

Me: *dying*

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Easier To Clean When Chilled

, , , , | Related | November 30, 2017

(Our cat does not like his litterbox. We have three of them for him in the bathroom, but he usually poops right outside of them. We’ve been trying to train him otherwise for years to little avail, and it’s become pretty typical for my mom to have to tell me to scrub the bathroom floor clean every morning. Today, however, this happens:)

Mom: “[My Name], will you please clean the poop out of the refrigerator?”

Me: “What?!”

Mom: “Bathroom! I mean bathroom! Why did I say… I’m going back to bed.”

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Smarty Pants

, , , , , , | Learning | November 30, 2017

(There’s a guy in my high school theater department who isn’t necessarily a bad guy, but just doesn’t realize when he’s being annoying instead of funny, and can’t let a bad joke die. His favorite joke recently is to ask people for a song title, then shout, “In my pants!” For example…)

Guy: “Hey, [Girl], what’s your favorite song?”

Girl: “Oooh, Defying Gravity!

Guy: “In my pants!”

Girl: “Ewww.”

(As you can imagine, this gets old quickly, and he keeps it up for almost a month before I get an idea.)

Guy: “Hey, [My Name], what’s the last song you listened to?”

Me:Can’t Get It Up if the Girl’s Breathing.”

Guy: “In my… Oh. Wait. Ewwww. That’s not a real song!”

Me: “Yeah, it is, it’s from Repo! The Genetic Opera.”

(The whole group has recently seen this musical.)

Guy: “That totally wasn’t in the movie!”

(I am prepared for this, so I pull out my iPod and show him the song, halfway down the show’s soundtrack.)

Me: “It was cut from the final movie, but they included it on the soundtrack as a bonus. Have fun with those mental images!”

(He stopped doing it after that!)

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Laughable Legality

, , , , , | Romantic | November 30, 2017

(My partner is watching TV and starts laughing. They keep laughing for a good few minutes.)

Me: “Something funny?”

(They keep laughing, and then they fall off the couch. I wait for another minute. I’m vaguely worried they’re hysterical at this point.)

Me: “You okay?”

Partner: *finally catching their breath, quoting a commercial* “’Our legal team believes that, with the safety equipment available to car manufacturers, no one should ever get injured or killed in a car accident.’” *laughs* “’So, call us and we’ll sue ’em!’” *laughs*

Me: “Okay, then… I guess they’ve never heard of cliffs!”

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Pre-Show Entertainment

, , , , | Right | November 30, 2017

(At our theater, the online ordering part of our ticketing software includes a “Comments” section on each order. Most people leave the field blank, but some include relevant questions or complaints. Recently, someone left this comment on their order:)

Comment: “When I come for the tickets, offer a fist bump. I will then say, ‘Paper covers rock,’ and put my hand over your fist. You’ll know it’s me.”

(I’m a somewhat socially awkward person who benefits from the rules and boundaries of customer service, so I find this both hilarious and a little terrifying. I tell a much more extroverted coworker she has to do it. She is delighted.)

Coworker: “Are you picking up tickets?”

Customer: “Yes, they’re under [Customer].”

Coworker: *gleefully whispers* “This is my moment!” *hands over tickets, offers fist*

Customer: *puts his hand over hers* “Paper covers rock.”

Coworker: “Woo!”

(The customer’s party cracks up.)

Me: “Well done.”

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