(I’m teaching a lesson on how Latin has influenced English, so the students all have lists of English words with their Latin equivalents. The students need to think about which words from Latin are directly related to English, indirectly related, or not related at all.)

Me: “Okay, what word did you choose?”

Class: “White.”

Me: “What is the Latin word?”

Class: “Albus, alba, album.”

Me: “Does that sound like the English word ‘white’?”

Class: “NO!”

Me: “Does it sound like another English word that is similar to white?”

Boy: *sitting in the back corner of the room* “Yes!”

Me: “Okay, what word is it related to?” *expecting “albino”*

Boy: “ALABAMA!”

I have Asperger’s and take instructions very literally.

My infants’ school had its own swimming pool, so we had mandatory swimming lessons as part of PE. In one of the first lessons, we had to do an exercise where we were told to hold on to one edge of the pool, and then push off from it and glide across to the other side. The teacher repeatedly emphasised that we were not allowed to paddle or kick. We had to keep our arms and legs completely still and just glide across from the initial push.

I made it about halfway across before I started to sink, but I did exactly what I was told and kept my arms and legs completely still even when I was almost at the bottom of the pool. A fully-clothed teaching assistant had to jump in and rescue me.

Funnily enough, the school never thought to tell my parents about this. They only found out years later — when I was no longer at that school — when something reminded me of it and I told them the amusing story of that time I nearly drowned.

(I work for a college in Dudley in the UK. Dudley is in a region called “The Black Country” and is known for the impenetrability of the accent to non-speakers. Google “Black Country accent” and give it a listen; you’ll be amazed! I come from about ten miles away, and I still struggle to understand occasionally. One of the courses I work on at the college teaches basic building site skills, including carpentry and brickwork. All of the students on the course come from the local area, and all speak with an accent to some degree. However, one particular student has an accent so thick I have to really listen to understand what he is saying. We are in a carpentry class, and I am walking around the workshop keeping an eye on things and helping students when necessary. The student waves to me and calls me over.)

Student: “Ayoumgurrommer?”

Me: “What?”

Student: “Ayyowoumgurrommer?”

Me: “…?”

Student: *starting to get frustrated* “Ayyy… Yowum…”

(Through many years of comprehension, I know this to be “Have you…”)

Me: “Okay. ‘Have you…’”

Student: “Gurrommer?

Me: “Gur Ommer? What is that?”

(He begins to mime an action; he holds up his fist and moves it up and down, pivoting at the elbow.)

Student: “Ommer! ‘Ommer!”

Me: *realisation dawning* “A hammer?”

Student: “Yes! ‘Ommer!”

(I found him a hammer and walked away, disappointed I was still struggling to understand someone who lived ten miles away, and apparently spoke the same language as me.)

(I am in a computer science class where we aren’t allowed to log in until the teacher says so. The teacher can see everyone’s screens from her computer.)

Teacher: “[Student #1], log out of your computer.”

Student #1: “I’m not logged in!”

Teacher: “Yes, you are. You just turned the monitor off.”

Student #2: “Ha! She told you!”

Teacher: “[Student #2], log off, as well.”

Student #2: “Oh, you can see that?”

(The class burst out laughing.)

(I work in a library that is in an old Corn Exchange building. I am showing a group of six-year-old schoolchildren around the building.)

Me: “That makes this building 178 years old. That’s older than your grandma!”

Child #1: “My grandma is 78!”

Child #2: “My grandma is 92!”

Me: “Wow, so this building is nearly twice as old as your grandma, [Child #2]!”

Child #3: “My Granny died.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, that’s very sad!”

Child #3: “It’s not that sad.” *skips away to join her friends looking at DVDs*