(In a class in college we are expected to get into groups for a weeks-long project. There’s a student sitting next to me who has made me uncomfortable in the past, but has latched onto me. He insists we be in a group together. Since I know no one else in the class, I go with it. In the course of working on the project, he learns that I’m a Christian.)

Me: “I can look at that after small group tonight.”

Classmate: “Small group?”

Me: “Oh, just a group of us from my church that meets on Tuesdays every week for Bible discussion and praying; that’s all. We’ll be done around nine.”

Classmate: “Do you guys get together sometimes to rape kids? All while singing songs to your Santa Claus in the sky?”

Me: “Okay, not only am I not Catholic, which I assume is the source of your jab, that’s disgusting and wrong to joke about.”

Classmate: “You all think you’re drinking some made-up Jew’s blood, anyway, so it’s all the same.”

Me: “Again, you are confusing Catholic beliefs with—”

Classmate: “Oh, are you mad?”

Me: “I’m not mad; I’d just expect you to know what you’re talking about before you try to insult my religious beliefs.”

Classmate: “Crap, you’re not going to go invade some country and kill all the indigenous people over this, are you? I know how you guys like to do that.”

(Over the course of the project, and then the rest of the semester, he latches onto me socially, acting like we’ve been the best of friends forever, but doesn’t seem to get how friends are supposed to interact, even if they have very different views on things. I keep my distance as best I can, with varying degrees of success, through graduation, and hear nothing from him for a couple years afterward. I’ve all but forgotten about him until I get a friend request on Facebook. Naturally, I decline the request. Then I get a direct message from him a few days later.)

Classmate: “Hey, why am I deleted?”

(My math teacher has a reputation for being a total jerk. We’re in a small class with about seven students, so everyone can hear what someone is saying. One of my classmates is talking about how she doesn’t want to go to his class next period.)

Classmate #1: “Mr. [Teacher] is such a jerk.”

Classmate #2: “He’s scary.”

Classmate #3: “He isn’t scary! His first name is Brad!”

(Entire class starts laughing.)

(I go to university with a girl who seems book-smart, but not at all street-smart. This is what happens one early September. I’m walking up the street when I hear her call my name. I turn and look to see her in her driveway with her boyfriend, a motorcycle in between them. I walk over to say hi, in awe of the motorcycle I have never seen them with before.)

Me: “Wow, nice motorcycle! Is it your roommate’s?”

Friend: “No, it’s mine! I just bought it!”

Me: *shocked* “Oh!”

Friend: “Yep, I couldn’t afford a car, so I got a motorcycle.”

(We go to school in a place that is known for its large amount of snow in the winter time. Driving a motorcycle in snow is difficult and dangerous, so it seems unlikely she’ll be able to use it much.)

Me: “Oh, wow! I had no idea you had your motorcycle license.”

Friend: “I don’t; I am going to practice and then get it.”

Me: “Does… Does [Boyfriend] know how to drive a motorcycle?”

Friend: “No; we’re going to learn together.”

Me: “…?”

(I run into her again not even a week later.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend], how’s the motorcycle?”

Friend: “Oh, that didn’t work out. I’m selling it.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Friend: “Yeah, I had a scary moment with it and I can’t get myself to try again.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Friend: “Yeah, but the good news is that the guy who sold it to me on [Website] sold it for less than it is actually worth, so I’m going to sell it for more than that and make a profit.”

Me: “Okay, then, good luck.”

(No word yet on how her theory worked out.)

(We are in science class, and my friend comes up to me with what looks like a tongue depressor, probably just a lollipop stick.)

Friend: “Cough on this.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “Just do it!

(I cough on it. He instantly starts rubbing it around in his mouth.)

Me: “What the hell are you doing?”

Friend: “Shut up. I’m trying to get asthma!”

Me: “It’s not contagious.”

Friend: “Shut up. How the hell would you know?”

Me: “I have asthma, maybe?”

(He walks away still sucking the stick. Half an hour later.)

Friend: “Sir, I feel faint. I can’t see straight. I think I have asthma.”

Teacher: “If you had asthma you would find it difficult to breathe.”

Friend: “That, too!” *falls on floor*

(I sincerely hope he was joking.)

Friend: “How does this evolution stuff work? I thought we were all made by the Lord Almighty in his image.” *crosses his heart*

(The teacher begrudgingly answers the question.)

Me: “Umm, I thought you were an atheist?”

Friend: “I am, but [Teacher] has been lying to my parents about how I’m a nuisance because I disagreed with our last piece of coursework, so I’m going to show her what a real nuisance is like.”

(For three months he asked the most ignorant and mind-numbing questions you can imagine. After our quarterly parent’s evening, he stopped, so I assume it all got sorted out.)