(An old woman is trying to find some items on her shopping list.)

Customer: “I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time reading my own writing. Hmm, it says that I need Protein Pro V hair gel.”

Me: “I’m sorry, nothing is coming up under that name. However, we sell Pantene Pro V hair gel.”

Customer: “No no, it says, ‘Protein Pro V.’ You see?”

(She shows me her paper and it does look like chicken scratch, but I can kind of make out “Pantene,” for which she might be seeing “protein.”)

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is the only thing that is ‘Pro V’ hair gel.”

Customer: “I’ll have to come another day, then. It’s a shame you don’t have what I’m looking for.”

(Even when I Googled it at home, nothing came up except for Pantene.)

Our shop has recently been bought out by a large chain. They’re keeping the staff on and they want us to help out with the shop’s makeover. The place is being painted, and we are getting new signs, new shelves, and new checkouts; everything is changing and the shop is busy with decorators and staff.

We’ve shut the shop for the day as we can barely move for all the equipment, stock, and general debris. We still have workers moving in and out of the shop, so the doors are still open, but we’ve lowered the metal shutters to indicate that we aren’t open. We’ve also had notices displayed for weeks to state we won’t be open today.

Despite this, several customers still try and come in, bending under the shutters and clambering over shelving. Only after that obstacle course is done do they look around at the bare wires and stripped bare walls and shelving, and all say the exact same thing:

“Oh, are you closed?”

Years ago, my brother was working as an accountant for a small chain of mini-marts. Since he was considered management, he was not eligible for overtime, but they wanted him weekly to be on call and to come in on his day off to some task that was not part of his job and not a management task. California law indicated he might be eligible to collect overtime for that after all.

So, he requested about $10,000 to cover the unpaid overtime. The company refused, so he took them to the Labor Board.

He lost his suit with the Labor Board, but as part of the investigation, the Labor Board discovered that the company was shorting the overtime for other employees. The company was forced to pay the overtime and close to $100,000 in fines.

In addition, the investigator discovered that the company had official inventory taken, but then fudged the numbers on the tax returns and kept both the correct and the fraudulent inventories. So, the investigator turned them into the IRS. They were audited and ended up paying close to $500,000 in back taxes and fines.

This put a major crimp in the savings and income of the partners. Whether it was because she didn’t have enough spending money or because she did not want to be associated with the cheats, one of the partner’s wives filed for divorce and in the community property state, she ended up with a quarter of the business, which she insisted on taking in cash.

This resulted in the company going bankrupt. And it all could have been avoided for $10,000.

(At my place of work we sell various appliances, including vacuums, but no parts.)

Customer: “Hey. Where are your vacuum filters?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t carry any parts or filters for our vacuums.”

Customer: *storming straight to the vacuums* “Never mind. I’ll just find them myself.”

(Suffice to say, I had to take a moment to realise what just transpired. I didn’t follow him, but I wonder how long he spent looking for those filters.)

(I am working at the customer service desk when the phone rings:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store] customer service. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I have a complaint. Are you a manager?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not a manager but I can call for one. Could you hold?”

Caller: “No, you’re just going to hang up on me. Some b**** at the service desk told me that I can’t do any more returns. That’s bulls***!”

Me: “That’s odd. Did she say why?”

Caller: “I didn’t have a receipt. But I’ve done it before!”

Me: “In order to do a return without a receipt, we need your ID for our records. If you do three non-receipt returns in a rolling six-month period, the system flags your ID and puts a hold on it for ninety days. We can—“

Caller: “That’s so f****** stupid.”

Me: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you stopped swearing at me.”

Caller: *mocking* “Oh. Okay. I’ll stop swearing.”

Me: “Now, I am not a manager but I can—“

Caller: “I want that girl fired!”

Me: “I don’t have the authority to do that, but I can take some basic information and have a manager call you back, or I can put you on hold and get a manager now.”

Caller: “I want to hear you tell that snotty b**** that she is fired!”

Me: “Again, I do not have that authority. Beyond that, I don’t know which associate you’re talking about.”

Caller: “Well, find out!”

Me: “Do you remember anything about the associate or the time you were here?”

Caller: “That’s not my job!”

Me: *fed up* “Okay. Can I put you on hold to get a manager?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Can I take your information and have a manager call back?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “What would you like me to do, sir?”

Caller: “DO SOMETHING!”

Me: “Okay.” *to the wall beside me* “Hey! You’re fired!” *to the customer* “Is that okay, sir?”

Caller: “Finally!” *hangs up*