(I work at a popular grocery store. A customer approaches me with a WIC transaction. I see that she is a couple of months pregnant so when I notice she has the wrong WIC milk, I offer to walk it back.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is the wrong milk. It is supposed to be the half-gallon. Do you want me to go back and get you the right kind?”

Customer: *looks confused* “I don’t know what a half-gallon is.”

Me: *looks at her and pauses* “It’s okay. I’ll go back and get it. No worries.”

(I proceed to take the gallon of milk back and get the half-gallon. I sit the half-gallon of milk on the counter.)

Customer: “That’s a half-gallon?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, I didn’t know that.”

Me: “No worries.”

(As I’m doing the rest of the transaction, I hear the pregnant girl’s mother speaking to her.)

Mother: “[Daughter], you are nineteen. You have a baby on the way and you mean to tell me you don’t know what a half-gallon of milk is?”

Customer: “Well, I do now.”

(My boss is watching and approaches me after she leaves.)

Boss: “I feel sorry for her child if she’s 19 and doesn’t know the difference between a gallon and half of a gallon.”

(I work in an arts and crafts store. We get the occasional home decor along with the crafts. We get calls in all the time for craft needs. Saturdays are generally busy days for us, like a lot of retailers. We have a deal for 40% off one item and a deal for 20% off all including sales. That one brings people in. I’m helping with the line when the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store] in [Town]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, do you carry the blue lamps?”

Me: “Blue lamps?”

Caller: “Yeah, I saw them with the summer stuff.”

Me: “We do not carry any lamps at this time.”

Caller: “Okay, but do you have the blue lamps?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we do not carry them.”

Caller: “They have a white shade and are small enough to fit on an end table.”

Me: “Ma’am… we do not carry the lamps you are looking for.”

Caller: “If you do have them, could I use the 40-off coupon?”

Me: “If they were in our summer collection, they would be marked down 70% off clearance right now. The coupon would not work.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Do you have the lamps?”

Me: *dumbfounded by this* “No, ma’am, we do not.”

Caller: “Could you check real quick?”

Me: “Sure, one moment.”

(I put her on hold while I ring up customers in line and check them out. The assistant manager who overheard goes to go look for the nonexistent lamps, just in case. Once the line is over with I go back to the phone and tell her we do not have the lamps. At all.)

Caller: “What time do y’all close?”

Me: “We close at nine pm.”

Caller: “Could you hold them for me? How many you got?”

Me: “Zero.”

Caller: “I thought you said you had some?”

Me: *trying so hard to maintain composure* “Ma’am, have you tried the [Same Store] in [Different Location]? They’re a bigger [Store] than we are and they carry more items. I believe they have lamps.”

Caller: “But you have some there. Why would I go all the way over to [Location]?”

Me: “Ma’am? We do not have any lamps here at this store. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

(I thought I was finished with her, but she came in the store thirty minutes before closing and we basically went through the same ordeal again. Needless to say, she didn’t get her lamps.)

(At my store, there’s a cashier that everyone knows as lazy, prone to disappearing from the floor, taking breaks without warning, and breaking rules for both herself and customers. All the managers know she does these things, and she’s been written up multiple times. I’m talking with another coworker about her.)

Me: “Yeah, I’m surprised she’s not fired yet. We basically pay her to play around in the store.”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s because she threatened to sue for discrimination.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, they told her if she kept it up they’d have to fire her, and she said she’d just claim racism.”

Me: “That’s… not how racism works. It’s not racist to fire a bad employee.”

Coworker: “Yeah, but a lawyer could figure out how to get the court to think it is.”

(It’s been six months and she still “works” at the store.)

(An older woman comes in the store with a girl who I assume is her granddaughter and buys some phone accessories. I tell her the total and she begins to dig around in her purse for her wallet.)

Grandmother: *pulls out a flashlight and shines it at her granddaughter* “IT’S THE LIGHT OF JESUS!”

Granddaughter: *looks embarrassed and shoves the flashlight away*

(She finds her wallet and pays, and then I bag her items and hand them to her.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Grandmother: “Baby, you just have a blessed day. The world will try to get you down but just know that it’s all in here.” *puts her fist over her heart* “Your soul. It’s all in your soul. Just remember that.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Granddaughter: *quickly ushers the woman out the door*

(As soon as they left my coworker and I burst out laughing. Thank you, “Encouragement Lady,” for brightening our busy afternoon!)

(A woman comes to me with a copy of the movie “Secret of the Moonacre” from the $2.99 bin.)

Customer: “What part of the Narnia series is this from?”

(I haven’t seen the movies yet, but I have read all the Narnia books, and I know that this is a completely separate story. You know, aside from the fact that it doesn’t say, “Narnia,” ANYWHERE on the box.)

Me: “I haven’t yet seen that movie, but I know it isn’t a Narnia story.”

Customer: “But it has a lion on the front.”

(Indeed, there is a black-furred, red-eyed lion on the cover, clearly — to anyone who has seen or read from the Narnia series — not Aslan. Giving her the benefit of not being as familiar with it, I explain:)

Me: “I know for a fact that the only Narnia adaptations were the four done by the BBC in the 80s and the three films by Walden Media released in the last decade, and that this isn’t part of either of them.”

Customer: “But then, why is there a lion here?”

Me: *still being polite* “I don’t know why there’s a lion, since I haven’t seen that movie, but I’ve read all the Narnia books, and I read the synopsis for that movie on the back of the box, and I can tell you that it has nothing to do with Narnia.”

(She still didn’t look convinced, so, as nicely as I can, I listed off the names of all seven Narnia stories, so that she would know that “Secret of the Moonacre” isn’t one of them. She still looked a little unsure, but she bought the DVD and moved on.)