His Crowning Stupidity

, , , , | Legal | January 28, 2019

(I work for a small business that does horse trails through an area of public forest that is technically “Crown Land” — i.e. belongs to the Queen by default — and has some conservation rules. We have been having difficulty with a man owning a neighbouring property who wants to use the crown land as his own. He has gone as far as shooting at our rides from a distance, and police have been involved several times at this stage. After a long day of work, in which we dismantled some obstacles he left on the land, he pulls up at our worksite to yell out of his car. It is just me, a teenage girl, and my boss, a short, middle-aged lady.)

Neighbour: “You cut my fences!”

Boss: “No, we haven’t. We don’t go on your property.”

Neighbour: “You cut the fence by the river!”

Boss: “The river isn’t on your land. It’s crown land. It’s illegal to fence off public land for your own use.”

Neighbour: *now shouting* “I own up to the river edge—“

Boss: “No, you don’t. Your property line is 30m from the river.”

Neighbour: “I have permission from the owner to use it!”

Boss: “No, you don’t. Crown land has no owner.”

Me: *mostly to myself* “Well, it does have an owner.”

Boss: “What?”

Me: “The Queen?”

Boss: “Oh, my God.” *to the neighbour* “Are you trying to say the Queen was like, ‘Oh, sure, no problem’? How dumb are you?” *loudly, to me* “Hang on while I call the police.”

(The neighbour left immediately. We continued to destroy every fence he built illegally to block our rides.)

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Didn’t Study The Bear Necessities

| Right | February 19, 2014

(A tourist runs into the ranger station looking really scared.)

Tourist: “Help! There’s a grizzly bear in the parking lot. A grizzly bear! He chased my kids!”

(The rest of the rangers and I grab our guns and run out to the parking lot to chase off the bear and make sure no one is hurt. When we get outside, we look around but don’t see the bear.)

Rangers: *yelling* “Where is it?! Where is the bear?”

Tourist: *pointing frantically* “It’s right there! Right there between those cars! Shoot it!”

(We continue to look around but don’t see the bear while the tourist continues to point and scream. Finally, one of the rangers notices a marmot running between two cars.)

Ranger: *pointing at the marmot* “Wait. Is that what you mean? That little brown animal right there?”

Tourist: “Yes! That’s it! Shoot it, quick!”

Ranger: “Sir, that is a marmot, not a grizzly. Marmots are just really big ground squirrels.”

Tourist: “That’s not a grizzly? But it looked just like the picture I saw in the magazine. Are you sure?”

Ranger: “Yes, sir. Grizzlies are much much bigger. They are taller than a person when they stand up and they weigh 500 lbs or more.”

Tourist: *embarrassed* “It didn’t look that big in the picture.”

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Making A Monumental Mistake

| Right | January 27, 2014

(The Washington Monument is currently under construction due to an earthquake in 2011. It’s covered from top to bottom in scaffolding as workers make repairs. The ticket booth where you would normally buy tickets to ride the elevator to the top is, obviously, closed. I am walking by one day, and I notice a woman with three children standing at the booth, carrying a lot of tourist merchandise, and looking around in a semi-panic. She sees a park maintenance employee, and waves him over.)

Tourist: “Sir! Sir!”

Employee: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Tourist: “I’m trying to buy tickets for the Washington Monument, but there’s no one here.”

Employee: “Well, ma’am, the Monument is closed right now.”

Tourist: “No, no. The ticket booth is closed, but I want to buy tickets.”

Employee: “Sorry, I think you misunderstood. The monument is closed to the public for repairs. I don’t know when it will re-open, but it won’t be for a very long time.”

Tourist: “I can see the booth is closed, and I resent your condescending tone!”

Employee: “I meant no tone, ma’am. But the booth is closed because the Monument is closed.”

Tourist: “I’ll make this easy on you. I… want to go… up… there!”

(At this point, I have to step in and help this poor fellow who’s working outside in the heat and humidity and getting harassed by this crazy tourist and her now-crying children.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but maybe I can help here. The monument…” *I point at it* “…is closed and under construction. No one is allowed to go inside because it’s unsafe.”

Tourist: “What are you talking about? I see people up there right now!”

Me: “Those are construction workers.”

Tourist: “I don’t care who they are. I just want to buy some tickets. We traveled a long way to get here and I promised my children they could go up there!”

Me: “Well, maybe you should have checked before you got here.”

(She pulls out an old, beaten-up tourist map from her purse and waves it in my face.)

Tourist: “This said I could buy tickets!”

Me: “Right. Well, this map is from 2005. See? It has a picture of President Bush on it.”

Tourist: “Don’t you dare blame him! This is all Obama’s fault!”

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Bemusement Park

| Working | October 18, 2013

(My family and I are on vacation and visiting the national park, where my step-grandmother works at the ticket booth. Apparently, a lot of people think that the tour tickets you can purchase before entering will get you into the park for free. My step-grandmother is off work, and is in the back seat of the car. She decides to pull a little prank on her coworker and hands my dad the tour tickets.)

Step-Grandmother: “Hey, give these to the lady at the booth and say, ‘These will get us in for free, right?'”

(My dad decides to go along with the joke as we approach the booth.)

Dad: “Oh, we have tour tickets. They get us in for free.”

Coworker: *already irritated* “No they do not, sir.”

Dad: “What? Yes they do!”

Coworker: “No they do NOT!”

Dad: “Well I can’t believe this! They’re supposed to get us in for free! She said they’d get us in for free!”

Coworker: “Oh yeah? Who said?”

Dad: “[Step-Grandmother].”

Coworker: “[Step-Grandmother]… oh!”

(We roll down the back window to reveal my step-grandmother. The coworker sees her and cracks up, followed by everyone in the car as well as a coworker in the other ticket booth.)

Coworker: “[Step-Grandmother], that was mean! I was getting really mad!”

Dad: “I’m sorry! I hope I didn’t ruin your day!”

Coworker: “That’s alright; you just keep an eye on this one!”

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Almost As Dangeroos As The Jackalopes

, , , | Right | August 3, 2009

Park Visitor: “Excuse me, sir. I was wondering about where I could see deer in this park.”

Me: “Just about anywhere.”

Park Visitor: “And what about the dangeroos?”

Me: “The what?!”

Park Visitor: “The dangeroos. Where should I go for those?”

Me: “I don’t think we have dangeroos. In fact, I don’t think that’s even a word.”

(The visitor pulls out a yellow information sheet. Everyone who enters National Parks receives one at the entrance.)

Park Visitor: *pointing at sheet* “Right here. It says, ‘Bears are dangeroos.’ I thought that was a type of bear you had here.”

 

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