I work at a national park that’s known for having bears. I’m explaining to an interested group on one of the trails how to behave if they see one. I’m not a park ranger, but I’m working with one.

Me: “So, to all the kids, remember the first rule when you see a bear?”

Kid: “Do not approach!”

One of the tourists doesn’t seem to like this advice.

Tourist: “Can we take a selfie with the bear?”

Me: “You mean, like from a far distance?”

Tourist: “No, I mean like a normal selfie? Like, with the bear right behind me?”

Park Ranger: “Sure! The picture would look amazing on your obituary.”

Pretty much all the major geysers in the geyser fields in Yellowstone near Old Faithful are cordoned off so that you can’t get dangerously close. Back in the day, this wasn’t always the case, and there were some minor ones you could get quite close to if you ignored the signs.

As a park ranger, I see a tourist enjoy a small geyser do its thing. He then walks past the sign and a small rope to place his face directly OVER the geyser.

Me: *Shouting.* “Sir! Get back behind the rope! That’s incredibly dangerous!”

Tourist: “I was just looking to see where the water has gone.”

Me: “Up in the air, as boiling steam, that will burn your face off if it goes off again with you standing there!”

Tourist: “Relax. If it were dangerous, they would have cordoned it off like Old Faithful!”

Me: “Geysers of boiling volcanic steam don’t hold back because we haven’t cordoned them off, sir! Get… back!”

The tourist shrugs and walks back onto the trail.

Tourist: “Geysers are stupid anyway. It’s just hot water! I get that at home from my shower!”

Me: “Tell you what. Go home, set your shower to 212 degrees, and set it to the same pressure as a sandblaster and let me know how that goes for you…”

I’m visiting a tourist spot that has a view of the Rocky Mountains. I overhear a tourist talking to one of the workers there:

Tourist: “What’s that white stuff on top of those mountains?”

Worker: “It’s snow.”

Tourist: “Is it cold up there?”

Worker: “No, actually, due to the low pressure at that altitude, much like the boiling point of water being lowered, the melting point of snow is raised. It’s actually quite warm up there, and the snow just never melts.”

The worker sounded so authoritative, and the spiel was so well-rehearsed, that for a moment, he had me questioning basic science. It took me an embarrassingly long few seconds for my brain to go “wait a minute…”.

Tourist: “Oh, that’s so cool!”

Worker: “Yeah, that’s where all the Jackalopes live.”

Tourist: “The… what?”

Worker: “You know, the jackrabbit but with the horns like an antelope. Vicious little things. If you see one, run. If you see something that looks like a normal jackrabbit without the horns, that’s a female. That means you’ve stumbled into a male’s nest, and you’d better run for your lives.”

Tourist: “Oh… my goodness!”

This ‘worker’ went on a spiel about the evolution of Jackalopes, that the Smithsonian had a diorama from the Pleistocene with jackalopes in it, talked about conservation efforts during the 1930s as their numbers dwindled, which explains why you don’t see them much anymore…”

The tourist walked away, and a woman wearing a manager’s badge walked over to the ‘worker’ with a tired look on her face:

Manager: “Jacob, you said you’d stop doing this…”

A few years ago, I worked at a major National Park that has a TV show named after it (and a few spin-offs). I was in the reservations department, and I handled all things related to groups, such as camping, family reunions, wedding parties, etc. This included arranging for private tours of the park in one of our vehicles and with a driver trained by us. The vehicles were anything from a sedan that held three passengers to a full-sized bus that held fifty.

In the winter, we offered snow coaches that held fourteen people (fifteen with a driver). They were a minibus, and the price was per hour, not per passenger. About $1600 for eight hours.

During the first COVID winter, we installed plastic barriers between the driver and the rest of the bus. This meant the passenger seat up front was blocked off, and they now only accommodated thirteen passengers.

These snow coaches were very popular with photography groups, and we had one company in particular that had been coming for years, but their leader was always difficult. This first COVID winter she made a snow coach reservation for eight people, including herself. Upon arriving, she saw that the front passenger seat was not available to use and lost her mind. She called me, yelling about it and demanding to know why I didn’t tell her ahead of time. I told her that the vehicle still seats thirteen, and she only has eight in her group.

This conversation went on for too long, as she started demanding that we provide a second snow coach for FREE. At $1600 per day, that was absolutely not happening.

I don’t recall how I ended it, but I immediately wrote up a summary email to my manager letting her know what happened.

My calls were not recorded, but I knew I was probably a bit snippier than was professional. My manager had no issue with how I handled it, and due to other problems they’d given us, she blacklisted them.

My coworker and I are talking to a guest about traveling in Yellowstone National Park in November.

Guest: “I think the entrances are all closed.”

Me: *Checking the website.* “Mostly, but you can travel from Gardiner to Cooke City. That road has to stay open year-round.”

Guest: “Good! I want to see bears!”

Coworker: “You might be able to, but they are getting ready to den. There’s no guarantee.”

Guest: “I WILL see bears!”

Coworker & I: “Okaaaaay…”

Guest: “Will I need bear spray?”

Me: “It’s never a bad idea, but if you don’t bring some, you can stay in your car. The camera you showed us has a good zoom.”

Guest: “But I want to get close to them!”

Coworker: “No, you don’t! And the rules are that you have to stay a hundred yards away.”

Guest: “But what if no one is watching?”

Me: “Bears are fast and—”

Guest: “—So am I!

Coworker: “You are not as fast as they are.”

Guest: “Come on! You have bears in town, right?”

Me: “We have black bears, not grizzlies.”

Coworker: “And we still don’t WALK UP TO THEM!”

The guest huffed and headed to her room. My manager cracked up the next morning when I told her. We watched the headlines the next several days but no mention of her.