My coworker and I are talking to a guest about traveling in Yellowstone National Park in November.

Guest: “I think the entrances are all closed.”

Me: *Checking the website.* “Mostly, but you can travel from Gardiner to Cooke City. That road has to stay open year-round.”

Guest: “Good! I want to see bears!”

Coworker: “You might be able to, but they are getting ready to den. There’s no guarantee.”

Guest: “I WILL see bears!”

Coworker & I: “Okaaaaay…”

Guest: “Will I need bear spray?”

Me: “It’s never a bad idea, but if you don’t bring some, you can stay in your car. The camera you showed us has a good zoom.”

Guest: “But I want to get close to them!”

Coworker: “No, you don’t! And the rules are that you have to stay a hundred yards away.”

Guest: “But what if no one is watching?”

Me: “Bears are fast and—”

Guest: “—So am I!

Coworker: “You are not as fast as they are.”

Guest: “Come on! You have bears in town, right?”

Me: “We have black bears, not grizzlies.”

Coworker: “And we still don’t WALK UP TO THEM!”

The guest huffed and headed to her room. My manager cracked up the next morning when I told her. We watched the headlines the next several days but no mention of her.

I used to work in Yellowstone. One day, a bison came and lay down close to the boardwalk at Old Faithful. A woman holding a little boy (toddler age) started running up to it. Luckily, I had grabbed her by the back of her shirt and pulled her down.

Guest: “What are you doing?!”

Me: “Saving your life.”

Guest: *Screeching.* “You just assaulted me!”

Her screeching startles the bison, who stands up and scurries away.

Guest: *Still screeching.* “Now look at what you did?! I’m going to sue you and the lodge for ruining a perfect vacation photo!”

Like many national parks in the US, ours comes with plenty of bison.

I’m driving down one of the roads that crosses the park when I come across some stopped traffic. Some cars, most containing families, have stopped to take photos of a small herd of bison that are crossing the road. 

I get out of my car to admire the view just in time to overhear:

Child: “Oh wow! Fluffy cows!”

Mother: “I know! Oh, look! There’s a baby! [Child’s Name], go stand next to it so I can take a photo!”

I sigh and roll my eyes. This happens more often than anyone would care to admit.

Me: “Ma’am, please do not instruct your child to approach the bison.”

Mother: “But they look so gentle! And they’re so fluffy!”

Me: “Ma’am. The fluffy cows are not tame; they are not friendly, the males outweigh you ten times, and you are very squishy. Even more so for your child.”

Mother: “But—”

Me: “—Do not annoy the fluffy cows!”

Mother: “Get back in the car, [Child’s Name]. This mean man doesn’t want you to get a photo.”

They get back in their car and drive on without incident once the herd has moved on. I hope that kid makes it to adulthood!

I spot a park ranger while enjoying the view of the Grand Canyon. I ask him:

Me: “How many people fall in and die?”

Ranger: *Smirking and not skipping a beat.* “All of them.”

Took me a second. Definitely not the first time someone had asked that!

I’m doing my patrol in Yosemite National Park, and come upon some tourists arriving at Glacier Point, easily one of the best views in the whole park.

Visitor: “Wow! That’s an amazing view!”

Me: “Sure is!”

Visitor: “So this is the Grand Canyon!”

I just… kept on patrolling.