Telling A Joke But All You Get Are Crickets

, , , | Right | April 17, 2020

I work in a pet store, and there is a regular that is in all the time. She is very nice and always makes light chat. Normally, I am in the fish/animal department where she shops but today I’m up on the registers.

Regular: “I have a number of crickets and these.”

She motions to her other items and I enter the codes.

Me: “Your total is [price]. So, where’s [Husband]?”

Regular: “He’s at home.”

She hands over a crumpled wad of cash, which I start to straighten.

Regular: “It’s the right amount.”

Me: “Oh, I believe you. You’re here all the time. I’m just flattening them so they lay in the register easier.”

Regular: “Okay. Sorry about them. They went through the wash today.”

Me: *Completely serious* “Been laundering money, have we?”

Regular: *Laughs* “Wow, that was so… punny.”

Me: *Laughing, too* “I couldn’t help myself! No regrets!”

The regular is still laughing as she gathers up her stuff.

Regular: “I guess I set myself up for that.”

Me: “See you later!”

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The Great Amex Vex

, , , , , | Right | April 13, 2020

(I’m ringing up a customer who has been somewhat impatient. She has a sizable order. We have never taken American Express. I have been working at this store for over two and a half years and I am a manager.)

Me: “Okay, your total is [total].”

(The customer hands me a card and I take it without looking.)

Me: *looking down* “Oh! I’m sorry, we don’t take Amex. Do you have another card?”

Customer: “Since when?”

Me: “I don’t think we’ve ever taken Amex. Sorry.”

Customer: *irritated* “You’d think for someone spending [total], you could take Amex.”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “Well, can you go ask a manager if you can take it this time?”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I guarantee we can’t.”

Customer: *snippy* “You mean you won’t. You can; you just won’t!

Me: “Ma’am, it’s not me. The card reader can’t take Amex, because we have no contract with them.”

Customer: “WHATEVER!” *throws her bank card at me*

Me: “Thank you so much! Have a nice day!”

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Don’t Carry On Insulting If You Can’t Carry Out

, , , , , , , | Working | April 6, 2020

(I am paying for a big, heavy bag of cat food. The cashier, a high-school-aged girl, offers to carry it out.)

Me: “Sure. Thanks. That’d help.”

(She turns to another teen girl coworker behind her.)

Cashier: “Hey, [Coworker]! Your fat, ugly a** needs to carry this bag out.”

(She talks softly enough that most people can’t hear, but I have good hearing.)

Me: “Hey! No. I want you to carry it.”

Cashier: “What?!”

Me: “Yeah. You need to carry it to my car. No cart. You have to carry it.”

Cashier: “I can’t.”

Me: “You can, ’cause I carried it up here, so chop-chop.”

Cashier: “I can’t leave my till.”

Me: “I’m off to move my car to the far side of the parking lot. See you there.”

(There was no one in line, and there was another cashier open, so I glared at her until she followed me out. And yes, I did move my car while she waited, struggling with the bag.)

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Unfiltered Story #187653

, , | Unfiltered | April 3, 2020

(I work in a very small, family owned pet store that’s only been in operation for a couple of years)

Customer: Hi, how long does a bag of this food last a 100 lb dog?

Me: A bag that size should last about 2 months.

Customer: How many bags do you think it would take to last 2 years?

Me: (taken aback) Um… probably about 12. If you buy it all now though it’ll expire before that time. Most people buy bags as they need them, can I ask why you need 2 years supply?

Customer: I’m flying back to Zimbabwe in a month and I need food for my farm dogs. I won’t be back for two years.

Me: Wow, that’s a long way. Well, like I said unfortunately the food won’t last that long and it would probably be really expensive to ship since each bag is nearly 40 lbs.

Customer: Can you ship it to me?

Me: I’m sorry sir, this is a very small store and we don’t currently offer overseas shipping on products.

Customer: Are you sure?

Me: Positive.

No One Wants To Be The Guinea Pig For THAT Business Venture

, , , | Right | March 25, 2020

(I am at the register ringing up a couple buying bedding and toys for their guinea pig.)

Me: “Hi, did you find what you were looking for today?”

Woman: “I think so. I had a question, though.”

Me: “Okay. How can I help?”

Woman: “Well, I had two guinea pigs, and one of them just died. Would it be a good idea to change out all of the bedding?”

Man: “Yeah, I mean, she can probably smell the dead one in her cage now.”

Woman: *gives him a dirty look* “I just wanted to make sure she felt comfortable now that she doesn’t have a playmate anymore.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Pets are always a part of the family. It definitely wouldn’t hurt if you’re worried about that.”

Man: “She’s just getting too worked up about this. It’s just a guinea pig. She probably won’t know the difference.”

(They quietly argue about the deceased guinea pig. I ring up their purchases and thank them for stopping in. Right before they leave, the man turns back to me.)

Man: “You don’t happen to sell guinea pig coffins, do you?”

(The woman literally dragged him out by the collar of his shirt.)

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