(I work as a parking attendant. My job is mostly to direct people where to park, and to occasionally take payments if they can’t figure out our automatic pay stations. Parking citations are written up by a separate branch of our department, but I still sometimes get customers demanding I explain why they got citations. This particular one approaches my kiosk with a citation in hand.)

Customer: “Hey, can I show you something?”

Me: “I can’t actually leave the booth, I’m sorry. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ve got a note on the back of my bike that explains where my parking permit is, but I still got a citation. I know it says it’s just a warning, but it’s worked for the last three weeks.”

(The customer hands me the citation; it states it was given out as a no permit/payment warning. He then walks over to his bike and angrily pulls out a sign that says, “Permit is under the backseat. Lift to check.” He’s so agitated that he simply drops the bike seat to the ground and kicks it away so he can pull out his valid permit, as well.)

Customer: “I don’t know if you got a new guy checking payment or whatever, but it’s not my fault if the [disabled slur] can’t read.”

(I can’t do anything about the citation, but as it’s a warning, it’s not a huge issue.)

Me: “Well, if you’re worried about it happening again, I can give you an email to contact our office. Or, if you have time, you can go across the street and talk to them right now.”

Customer: “Listen! It worked before! It’s not my fault if they can’t read!”

Me: “Sir, if you would like—”

Customer: “Whatever! I’m not paying for this.”

(He tossed the crumpled citation slip — again, a warning that he would not have had to pay for — onto my desk and walked away, cursing under his breath. The kicker? I looked at the citation slip again, and it had a note on it that his backseat was locked down and there was no way to check under it to see his permit. Good job reading, friend.)

(I am looking for a job and decide to try applying at a locally-owned store. Several days after dropping my resume off, I go to check and see if it has been processed yet. I am immediately directed to the office of the owner, who turns out to be in a meeting. I am told to sit and wait, but after 45 minutes I leave, telling the secretary that I will return the next day as I have other things on my schedule I can’t put off. Upon returning, I am again instructed to go to the owner’s office. He proceeds to go into an apoplectic rant about how I “couldn’t wait five minutes despite feeling entitled to barge right in,” along with some talking about how he would have given me an interview “had I had any patience at all.” Since it is obvious I’m not getting the job, anyway, and since by now I am actually feeling relief that I won’t have to work for such an individual, I decide to go ahead and say things one doesn’t normally say in a job interview.)

Me: “I came here yesterday to see if my resume had been processed. The only reason I entered your office yesterday was because that was where I was told to go by your secretary. I was not informed you were occupied at the time, nor did I leave ‘without saying a word.’ But frankly, I’m glad things turned out the way they did, because with the attitude you’ve displayed, working here would obviously be a mistake.”

(I left him sputtering in indignation as I walked out the door.)

(A woman enters my store with a jug of stain and odor remover and a sour expression on her face.)

Customer: “My husband bought this, and I hate this brand. What else do you have?”

Me: “We have a couple of cleaners made by [Other Brand] but mostly we just carry the [Brand she already has] line.”

Customer: “You don’t have [list of several other brands]?”

Me: “No, just [Brands].”

Customer: “Well, I am very unhappy!”

Me: *still smiling even though I couldn’t care less if she’s happy or not* “If you’d like to return this, I can help you with that. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No, my husband bought it! You can refund it or give me cash.”

(I check with my manager who is nearby and he comes over.)

Manager: “Unfortunately, since you don’t have a receipt, we can only do an exchange or give you a store credit.”

Customer: “But it has your store’s price sticker on it!”

(And for all we know, lady, you stole it from this store or our other location, and now you’re trying to return it for money you aren’t owed. Of course, neither of us says this out loud.)

Manager: “And we’d be happy to issue a store credit or do an exchange for you.”

(The customer grumbles, but looks around and finds other items to purchase. When she returns to the register, I’m assisting another customer who is filling out a form for our loyalty club, a process that takes a maximum of two minutes. Of course, the first customer rolls her eyes, sighs loudly, and taps her foot throughout the entire brief process. Once it’s her turn, I process the exchange as cheerfully as possible.)

Me: “Your total with the exchange is [amount]. Would you like to sign up for our free loyalty club today?”

Customer: “No! I won’t be shopping here.”

Manager: *still cheerful and smiling* “Thank you, ma’am. Have a good day!”

(Once she’s gone, he turns to me and says exactly what I’ve been thinking the whole time.)

Manager: “I would have made an exception and given her the refund if she hadn’t been such a b**** about it.”

(I’m part of a special projects team. We’re assigned to work on two separate projects. The problem is, they both have their weekly meeting at the same time, one in the conference room upstairs and the other downstairs. My team is three of us, so we split two and one to cover both meetings and trade off who has to be alone. This week is my turn solo. We’re also good friends. My team lead assembled us on purpose; we all work well together.)

Coworker: “So, what was the fight with [Team Lead] about?”

Me: “What fight?”

Coworker: “Sure, I know you can’t say bad things about your boss. What happened?”

Me: “We’re fine.”

Coworker: “Then why isn’t she in here with you?”

Me: “[Team Lead] is with [Other Team Member].”

Coworker: *like he’s won a point* “Exactly!”

Me: “You know we work on [other project], too, right?”

Coworker: “Yeah. I’m not stupid.”

Me: “So, they’re in the meeting for [other project] downstairs.”

Coworker: “Exactly! They’re off together without you because you had a fight with [Team Lead].”

Me: “…”

Coworker: “See? I’m smart; I notice things. [Team Lead] picks fights with you guys every couple weeks, and by next week, she’ll be mad at [Other Team Member] and leave him all alone!”

(I debate trying to explain that you cannot divide three people evenly into two locations, and then give up.)

Me: “You’re right. Don’t tell anyone else. [Team Lead]… drinks green tea. I couldn’t be around that. Black tea is the only true tea.”

Coworker: *nods, winks, actually lays a finger alongside his nose* “I getcha.”

(I told my team at lunch break and they bought me a sympathy cookie for dealing with him.)

(I work at an electronic cigarette store. The amount of people who know nothing about their devices astonishes me. An e-cigarette tank requires a coil to heat up the juice in order to make it into vapor.)

Me: “Hey there. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a coil.”

Me: “Okay, for what kind of tank?”

(The customer points at a battery device, not a tank.)

Customer: “It’s for something like this.”

Me: “Well, that’s just the device that powers the tank; which one do you have for that device?”

Customer: “A tank.”

Me: “What kind of tank?”

Customer: *starting to get mad* “A tank for e-juice.”

Me: “Okay, do you remember the brand of the tank?”

Customer: “It’s an Aspire tank.”

Me: “Okay, which kind of Aspire tank?”

(We have about six different tanks from that one company.)

Customer: “Aspire.”

Me: “Which one?”

Customer: “ASPIRE!”

Me: “Okay, let me show you all the coils we carry from that company.”

Customer: *looks at them* “I don’t know what one goes into it.”

(He finally just picks one and leaves. About an hour later he comes back, screaming at me for a refund.)

Customer: “YOU SOLD ME THE WRONG ONE, AND I WASTED ALL MY JUICE, AND IT POURED ALL OVER THE PLACE!”

(He brought his device in, and it wasn’t even the Aspire brand.)