Close, But No Cigarillo

, , , , , | Right | July 17, 2019

(I am working in the drive-thru window at a cigarette store next to a good-sized casino. It is about an hour before shift change when a van drives up with about seven guys in it.)

Customer #1: “Hey, do you have money to break $100?”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve got a little bit. What can I get for you?”

Customer #1: “I’d like a [cigarillo].”

(I get the item and ring it up.)

Me: “Okay, that’s going to be [less than $1].”

(He pays and I give him his change when the next guy leans over, waving another $100.)

Customer #2: “Hey, I want one, too!”

(I pause and look into the van. I see them all digging through their wallets.)

Me: “Hey, guys, show of hands; how many of you are buying a single [cigarillo] before you go to the casino?”

(They indicate they all are.)

Me: “And are you all paying with a $100 each?”

(They again all indicate they are.)

Me: “Yeah, I don’t have enough for that. Unless your buddy here treats you all, you’ll need something smaller to pay with. The cage girls in the casino can break your bills easier than I can.”

(They grumbled but all ended up managing to pay with $1 bills.)

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Not Going To Crack This Business

, , , | Right | October 21, 2018

(For those that don’t know, head shops sell products for “tobacco use only,” but are generally used for weed. This interaction starts with a man coming in my store, requesting that I “don’t judge him,” and telling me that the woman who is about to walk in is “crazy.” I oblige and say no judgments.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going? Anything I can help you find today?”

Woman: “Yes, I’m looking for straight glass pipes.”

Me: “We sell glass blunts; every other glass item is either flared or a standard pipe.”

Woman: “No, like I’m looking for a pipe, like for crack cocaine.”

Me: *standing awkwardly* “Ma’am, we don’t sell those here.”


Me: “Ma’am, those are downstems, for water-pipes, and they are flared at the end, not straight.”

Woman: “Well, I need something like this.” *pulls out used and broken crack pipe*

Me: *wide-eyed and staring* “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave…”

(She returned ten minutes later, and another two times after that in the span of an hour, each time with more money falling out of her bra, and purchasing increasingly random combinations of items each time. No other mention or sight of illegal substances or devices.)

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The Government Burns Money; Why Can’t I?

, , , | Right | October 21, 2018

(I work in an adult store that sells tobacco products and adult novelties. A female customer under thirty years of age approaches after browsing through the shop for several minutes.)

Customer: “So, do you guys accept EBT or, like, the food credit stuff?”

Me: *completely and utterly baffled and astounded that someone would even ask this* “No.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I just got it, and I’m not really sure what it can be used for. Thanks.” *walks out the door*

Me: *waits until the door fully closes, then puts my head in my hands and strongly considers putting my head through the counter* “Wow. Just wow…”


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My Advice To Fix It Is Solid

, , , | Right | October 3, 2018

(I manage a smoke shop in a small town. We sell glass pipes and other smoking tools. I sell a water-pipe to a younger guy and he comes back in a few days later with some friends. He basically wants me to figure out why the water-pipe isn’t working, but he didn’t bring it with him. Usually, I have to see something to fix it, and it’s almost always a simple fix. This is an extremely easy fix.)

Customer: “My water-pipe won’t let me pull any air through.”

Me: “It might have a clog; did you do anything to it?”

Customer: “I haven’t used it yet. I took it home, put water in it, and stuck it in my freezer.”

(His friends start laughing. I stop him and explain what happens to water when you freeze it. He doesn’t get it at first until I say:)

Me: “It was a liquid; now it’s a solid.”

(His friends knew the whole time and they still let him come in to get my “professional” opinion. He was actually lucky his brand new water-pipe didn’t crack.)

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Went To The Wrong Joint

| Right | August 26, 2010

(In the state of California, it is legal to sell water pipes, hookahs, bubblers, all ‘for tobacco use only’. We also cannot sell anything if a customer even hints at using marijuana.)

Customer: *showing his ID* “Wow, you guys are strict, huh?”

Me: “We have to check the IDs of everyone who comes in here. It’s store policy.”

Customer: “You’re being careful, huh?”

Me: “I have to be, because the laws are so strict. It’s very delicate. If someone says just one wrong word, I have to ask them to leave the store.”

Customer: “So how much is that bong there?”

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