I’m playing Dungeons and Dragons with a group of friends. We’ve spent most of the session clearing out a large dungeon, with bigger and badder enemies on each level, leading to the final level with the boss battle.

Our Dungeon Master likes to set the scene with background music, often using soundtracks from popular video games, as well as more generic atmosphere playlists.  

Dungeon Master: “You enter a large cavern and see a large silver dragon waiting for you…”

He dramatically presses a button on his computer to trigger the boss music. Instead, an ad plays before the video, with an instantly recognizable jingle for a certain insurance company.

Bard: *Not missing a beat* “Like a bad neighbor, [Boss Monster] is there!”

I work in an office taking potential customer information for a company that does residential renovations. I return a call.

Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] concerning the message you left stating that you wanted some work done. I’m looking to get some information about what you need.”

Caller: “Okay.” *Stops speaking*

Me: “What kind of work do you need done?”

Caller: “Oh, I know who you are now. I didn’t know before.”

I literally just told you who I am and why I’m calling.

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’m trying to figure out what kind of work you need done.”

Caller: “I have some screens that need replacing and some windows and doors that need replacing.”

I wait for her to continue talking but she goes silent. I go into my spiel and tell her about the company only accepting certain projects that are on the large side; we don’t do screen, window, or door replacement only. I ask if there is anything else she needs.

Caller: “Well, if you’d let me finish talking, I’d tell you. You’re being very rude right now and it’s extremely clear you don’t want my business.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if it seemed like I was interrupting, but I was just trying to let you know that we only do projects over a certain price limit and I—”

Dial tone.

I work in a bank. This week we are severely understaffed and I am working the drive-thru by myself. A middle-aged customer pulls up to my window with some cash in hand.

Customer: “Do I need my card with my account number to make a deposit?”

Me: “Nope! If you have your ID on you, I can look you up that way!”

Customer: *Exasperated* “Can’t I just tell you my name and have you put it in that way?”

We don’t like doing this. Many customers try to do this, and it poses a huge risk for money being deposited into the wrong account, especially if the name is common. An ID, account card, or debit card would help to verify the correct account.

Me: “We can do that, but I would need to ask you a lot of verification questions to make sure we have the right account.”

Customer: *Now upset* “But I have a bad back and my purse is on the floor! I can’t get it! And I’m just feeling lazy today!”

Okay, so she admits to making me work harder and take on greater risk because she feels lazy. But I am willing to work with her because we do try to be accommodating. Besides, at this point, for all I know, she could have a bad back. The last thing I want is to have someone strain an injury when we have other ways to accommodate them.

Me: “All right.”

I reach for a piece of paper to write down information.

Me: “What’s your name?”

I looked up and her arms were reaching for the floor of the car right next to her feet. Within seconds, she had both her ID and debit card placed in the teller box. I guess her back must not have been as bad as she claimed, or her laziness suddenly cured itself. The deposit, thankfully, happened without any further problems and I sent her on her way.

I am taking orders in the drive-thru. The next car pulls up.

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a coffee with a little bit of milk.”

Me: “Yes, is that hot or iced?”

Customer: “Hot, with a little bit of milk.”

Me: “Okay, a medium normally gets three milk; would you like one or two?”

Customer: “I don’t want cream!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. You would like a little bit of milk. A medium normally gets three milk. So, would you like one or two, instead?”

Customer: “I don’t want cream!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I am sorry. You would like a little bit of milk. A medium normally gets three milk. So, would you like one or two, instead?”

Customer: “I DON’T WANT CREAM! I SAID MILK!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you would like a little bit of milk in your medium hot coffee. I am sorry, but I do not believe I am saying cream. A medium hot coffee normally gets three portions of milk. Since you want a little bit of milk, would you like one portion of milk or two portions of milk instead?”

Customer: “Oh, three.”

Me: “Thanks. So that is a medium hot coffee with the normal amount of milk! Anything else?” 

She ended up getting donuts, too. Luckily, she didn’t pick them out. I’ve done this job for a LONG time. That was the hardest medium hot coffee I’ve ever sold.

Related:
Not The Cream Of The Crop, Part 4
Not The Cream Of The Crop, Part 3
Not The Cream Of The Crop, Part 2
Not The Cream Of The Crop

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. Would you like to try our [#1 combo meal] today?”

Customer: “No, I want one of your [Breakfast Sandwiches from a more famous fast food place].”

Me: “I’m sorry, we actually don’t serve any breakfast items here.”

Customer: “I got one here last week.”

We have NEVER served breakfast. Ever.

Customer: “Are you telling me I can’t have [Sandwich]?”

Me: “Sir, that’s [Restaurant #2], not us.”

Customer: “Well, say you’re sorry and I’ll leave.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re not gonna say it, are you?”

Me: *Incredulous*

Manager: “Say you’re sorry!”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

I am still angry about having to apologize for someone being stupid enough not to realize we were not the correct restaurant. How is it my fault you can’t recognize a completely different logo, even if you can’t read?